The worst year of my life is nearly over

Its nearly over 2011 the worst year of my life, so sad really because it started off so promising with a top job interview (didn't get it and not sure about there intentions but that's another story) made lots of plans and started painting again, then like a swift punch in the face I was dx with Breast Cancer and then 2 weeks later found out it had spread onto my lungs wallop!!

Gradually worked through it although have to say it's not been easy, an emotional roller coaster, this has been the fastest year of my life, don't know where the year has gone, mainly spent it in hospital either having chemo or surgery and start 2012 with 3 weeks of daily radiotherapy which is a bit of a bummer but can't be helped, I suppose really that my year should start in February cause I will finally be free of the dreadful treatments only herceptin by IV every 3 weeks and tamoxifen by tablet one a day. Its quite weird how you adjust to a new life I was always a planner and an organizer now I have to live for the moment seize the day, no more planning bloody cancer has taken away my future and I can't plan anything, in some ways its kind of liberating not to have to adhere to a plan/ambition just go with the flow and follow your nose, see what presents itself. I would still rather NOT have cancer but what can I do about it other than try and help myself changing my diet/nutrition and carry on with the conventional treatments as well as the unconventional or complementary treatments.

I pray to god that 2012 will be a happy, healthy year with plenty of cause for celebration.
Love and Light to all
Sarah xx

Retail Therapy

I am much better than I was at the weekend and I am sorry for my last post or if it upset anyone I just had to vent my rage and anger.

So went late night shopping last night in Totnes it's something me and my best-friend do every year and we love it.  I think its important to carry on as much as normal it helps me feel normal and not a cancer patient. It is amazing what a little bit of retail therapy can do for a girl, we both were supposed to be shopping for xmas presents and ended up buying for ourselves but hey we deserve it and we got some bargains, the sales start early this year probably because of the economic climate. All in all it made me feel better and improved my moods. I have spoken to my GP on the phone and asked him to write the prescription I thought I would never ask and thats for anti-depressants they help with your moods but also with the hot flushes indued by early menopause, these are just terrible, don't get me wrong I am grateful forever for the tamoxifen and the chemo BUT the hot flushes make you into a terrible screaming mad woman!! and I just get so depressed with it, probably still coming to terms with my dx I think this is all part of going through the mill with this cancer trip.

More xmas shopping is in for this afternoon thats if my other half comes home and picks me up. We still got loads to do, but we have been waiting on money and its only just arrived so all at once typical.

Enter the dark dark woods at your peril (severe swearing involved)

Very bad day today, cried all afternoon after having a go at my other half, my emotions and moods are surreal at the moment, one minute ultra happy the next I'm looking for an easy way out and when I say easy way out I mean it, seriously considering doing myself in today and really don't care about anything or anyone for the matter. Life is hard enough without having this s**ty breast cancer, the drugs I am on (tamoxifen/herceptin) make you into some sort of other worldly screaming banshie, they interfere with your ovaries and the production of estrogen which is feeding my cancer, but we need our estrogen we are women its part of being a woman to produce these hormones, I even dared to ask the questions "am I being punished ?" and if so "what the fuck did I do wrong?" I always thought I'd have children or at least one now all hope of having my own has faded away I was getting on in age anyway and now I'm likely to be on this dreaded tamoxifen for the next 5 years that should put a stop to any chance of conceiving and even if I did I question whether its really fair to bring a child into the world when lets face it I might not survive to oversee its upbringing, arghhhhhh I FUCKING HATE (when I say hate I really really mean it) CANCER seriously tho I was so very nasty to him, no need for it just plain awful, thats when I started crying and could not stop for 3 hours!!!! solidly, my eyes I can't open, what;s the fucking point. I do frequent the BC forums but the last time I opened up on a post feeling low I got some smart alec comment from another BC patient that made me not want to vent my rage or feelings this is why I started a blog its the only place I can air my proverbial dirty laundry all be it that I am probably talking to myself, why change the habit of a lifetime no one listens to me anyway and now I think they are all convinced that I must of done something wrong to get this in the first place, ergo whatever she's say's thinks is utter crap!!! A small thank you to myself for setting up such a blog in the first place so that I do have an outlet for tamoxifen induced suicidal feelings and pent up rage. When I stopped crying my missing boob started to hurt maybe all the upset is gonna give me more cancer oh what joy life is, the easy way out seems more appealing than ever. To top it all its FUCKING CHRISTMAS.

Wake-up call

So today is a better day than yesterday but all days are like one for me all of them I am eternally grateful for. Thats my affirmation for today in fact it should be for everyday forever. Feeling sorry for myself and my lack of boob until I chanced upon a conversation with a young lady who after having her baby last year found out she had breast cancer with secondaries in her liver and bones (they thought her backache was due to her being pregnant) (cancer is a sneaky shit) all at the tender age of 29, (she never smoked, or drank) you always think your lot is the worst but there is always someone worse off than yourself this was my wake up call it made me sit up and listen and stop all the self pity and why me questions, shake yourself down and get on with the business of living.

The only worry with this particular girl is that she hasn't looked into anything to help herself she's just doing what the dr's and oncologist tell her, ok so I listen to them I also inform them of anything else I might be taking so as it does not interfere with the prescribed drugs, I have been researching breast cancer ever since diagnoses and feel this will be a lifelong practice, I've changed so much since getting this bull shit, no more sugar, no more tea and coffee, no more adding estrogen rich processed foods, and no alcohol (I was t-total anyway), never been overweight. Fresh veg/fruit juice daily with plenty of organic wheatgrass, broccoli, carrots, celery, cucumber, apple, pear I drink a pint of it everyday and find it does fill me up apparently upping your intake of veg can make tamoxifen work more effectively.

Had my first Epsom Salt Bath dry brushed first then took a lovely long dip and feel fantastic, honestly to look at me I look the picture of health which is quite ironic really.

Home alone

Hi everyone,

So this is my first post on my new cancer blog and like the title suggests I am home alone for the first time in about 6 months as my partner has managed to get a job to bring in some extra money for Xmas, not that Xmas is going to stress me out in fact nothing is going to stress me out from now on (a pact I've made with myself).

Depression and stress are possibly the root cause of my cancer, nothing can be confirmed but I have a sneaky feeling it contributed to my getting cancer. I was healthy although not very happy before the dx I had been trying really hard to make it in the surface pattern industry with little success, my day job graphic design was also experiencing a slump (has something to do with the recession) and even though I had applied and attended lots of interviews I still was not getting anywhere, no money, can't pay bills etc just makes for loads of stress of course as soon as I got cancer all of a sudden my designs sold, something called sods law. Being a perfectionist is part and parcel of being an artist this unfortunately means I am also sensitive (like a raw nerve), easily upset, I would say I was living on the edge of a nervous breakdown but now I'm living with metastatic breast cancer I know which one I would prefer not to have. So if your reading this then realise this DON'T GET STRESSED OUT its not worth it! If you don't have your health you have nothing its as simple as that.

My life changed forever on the 10th of March this year and I will never be the same again, everyday is a gift and instead of living with a plan I now live without planning or organisation of any kind I try to live for the moment and enjoy life, I don't believe we are put on this planet to be miserable. I have been touched by the kindness people have shown me since my dx and it has made me realize that people aren't as bad as I thought they were prior to dx I could not stand the human race quite frankly human beings sucked, now I think slightly differently some us are extremely compassionate.