Good night sweethearts x

I have just found out that on Christmas Day one of the wonderful ladies from the forum Amore has passed away, yet another victim of this dammed disease, she was a inspirational character full of wit and wisdom always a kind word to everyone, I shall miss her and all the other ladies that have passed away this year from Breast Cancer, please join me in saying a prayer for each and everyone of those who have fought and lost their battle with this terrible illness.
Love and light xxx

RIP God Bless you all
Amore Dulce
Geewhiz (Julie)
Kaz (Karen)
Miao
Nicky
Sadie
Elle
Wendy

God Bless us all.... Merry Christmas everyone......

Tis Christmas Eve and I have been reflecting on the past year, its up and downs and it many many phases of enlightenment. It all started off with a visit last Jan (after a radiotherapy session) to Buckfast Abbey and WoW what a beautiful serene place, I was moved to tears and found out that I am very sensitive to 'Thin Places' (see this link for any explanation http://survivingthebeastwithin.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/early-bird-and-spiritual-enlightenment.html).

Aside from the spiritual visits to the 'Thin Places of Worship' I have been receiving spiritual healing once a week I feel sure this has made all the difference to my recovery and continued stable status, after the healing we (myself and a couple of other ladies) have formed a spiritualist group where we exchange a piece of jewellery and conduct mediumship readings for each other we have been doing this for the best part of a year so far and apparently I have been hitting the spiritual nail on the head in so far as readings are concerned, I sort of meditate and then write down whatever comes to mind, most of the time to me it appears to be a load of mumbo jumbo but when I tell the sitter the outcome they always seem relate to what I have said, so much so that recently I was asked to do a reading for someone outside of the group to which again I seem to be coming up with relevant and current topics for the sitter, it is with this in mind that I am now reflecting on whether or not to actually offer this as a service, its something worth thinking about and I must admit it does make me feel really good especially as I seem to have an affinity for this sort of thing. On the subject still I highly recommend that  anyone remotely interested in spiritualism to read this book 'The Boy Who Saw True' I have just finished reading it and its changed my outlook (the second book this year that has changed my outlook)  and made me think 'outside the box' its about a young boy who during his youth used to write a diary and in it mentioned the fact that he see's spirits or ghosts (he thinks everyone can see what he sees) its a truly fascinating book here's the link http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/707225.The_Boy_Who_Saw_True.

Sending you all peace love and light and wishing you all a very merry christmas
Love Sarah xxx

The importance of being honest......

We have all heard of phrases like 'keeping it real, living in the here and now, being truthful with yourself' today I have been reminded that to be honest with oneself is the only way to be, some get by with living in denial, shoving it under the carpet and just plain pretending, me I live with it up close and personal somedays its sitting somewhere on my shoulders other days its in my face. We all have to come to terms with whatever it is that is challenging us whether that's our health our finances or family life we all live our lives as best we can taking each day one at a time.

Two things have prompted this post one is the passing of an old school friend who at the age of 44 passed away in her sleep on Friday night, she had a heart condition (same as her mother) she'd been out with her sisters and daughter that night and had a great time, went to bed and didn't wake up, shocking isn't it! I am glad she was spared the suffering and pain albeit she was taken way too young. The second by a fellow cancer patient who was worried about sharing the latest news of her disease progression and her decision to have chemo, as she is a self confessed juice junkie and advocate of alternative treatments she had up until now been successfully treating herself with a raw/juice diet and was worried about telling all her followers/readers of her decision

My advice to everyone reading this blog and anyone affected by the issues it raises, be kind to yourself and those around you no one knows when our time is up our bodies are just vehicles for the soul, all of us pass at some point and remember its not about the dying its about what we do whilst we are alive.  Live for the moment.

Wishing you all a very merry xmas and a much much happier new year.
Love and light to all
xxxxxxxxx

An early Xmas Present.....

Hi everyone,
Last friday I went to the hospital for an appointment with my oncologist to receive the results of my bone scan and CT scan, the news is the bone scan came out clear and the CT is the same as the last one in other words I'm stable, this is fantastic news and I'm taking this as an cosmic early xmas present. Still doing herceptin once every 3 weeks by IV and taking Tamoxifen daily although I asked for a blood test to determine if I was still menopausal or too see what hormones I am still producing including estrogen, my onc seemed to think I was still producing estrogen which if I am would mean I should continue to take the dammed Tamoxifen if I am not then they can put me on a drug called Arimidex click on this link if you want to find out more about it http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Cancertreatment/Treatmenttypes/Hormonaltherapies/Individualhormonaltherapies/Anastrozole.aspx it's supposed to be only for post menopausal women and like all these drugs comes with its own concoction of side effects BUT it appears that Arimidex does not cause weight gain which Tamoxifen unfortunately does and I had this fact confirmed by my onc who told me that the Tami definately does cause weight gain, uh yeah too flippin right try 2 bloody stone in weight first time ever in my life I've put on this much weight and I don't feel good on it, I've had a couple of falls and really bruised myself mainly due to taking clonidine which is now stopped but also I believe to rapid weight gain and not being used to the new me. I am wishing that I am post menopausal so that they can take me off the Tami and put me on the Arimidex. I did feel kind of uncomfortable chatting to my oncs registrar about this as she looks about a size 18 and didn't feel like discussing weighty issues with someone who obviously has had too live with weight problems. The upshot is that I have had a blood test and am now waiting for the results so will keep you all posted.
Love and light to all xxxxxx

A True Survivor.........

Hi all a quick link to Kris Carr of 'Crazy Sexy Cancer' such an inspirational woman and the one who got me started onto the green juicing diet, she looks terrific on it and is still living with inoperable cancer, a true star and amazing influence. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2246460/Real-lives-Meet-crazy-sexy-cancer-survivor.html Love you Kris you are my icon. xxxx

The Art of Letting Go...........

As the title of this post suggest's here's an article I've found that beautifully illustrates this illusive concept. Well worth a read.

http://uk.lifestyle.yahoo.com/the-art-of-letting-go-165054344.html

“I guess if I wanted to say anything, it is don’t take my word for it. Try to prove it to yourself. Become your own guru, become your own teacher. Because a true master would actually only show you the path. Question everything and figure it out yourself. And don’t worry, there will be loads of guides along the way.”

Quote taken from article above by Mark Chaves

The end of Clonidine....

I was prescribed the drug Clonidine nearly a year ago to help with my extreme hot flushes and migraines, initially it worked wonders but recently stopped working and I had to increase from 4 a day to 6 a day, finally I've realised that I am suffering a multitude of side effects associated with the use of Clonidine so a couple of days ago I decided to stop taking the drug, I realise I should of stopped it gradually over a week or so but just don't want to put any more of that shit into my system so I stopped taking it 2 days ago. The side effects I have been suffering from are numerous and horrible! To name a few weight gain as well as fluid retention and swelling being the main offenders, also dizziness which explains why I have been falling over such a lot recently, blurred vision, heart palpitations and finally the hot flushes are creeping back, ironically since I stopped using the dam drug my hot flushes have become less! although this could be something to do with the cold frosty weather but still not as many hot flushes. I reckon I've lost about half a stone since I stopped using the drug and basically that was just in water retention! other side effects worth a mention are hair loss (like I need to loose anymore hair!!) and insomnia which explains why I've finally been getting a good nights sleep since finishing the dammed drug. Oh god it never stops, its just one nightmare after another, I am now going to persevere without the dammed Clonidine and see if I can loose some weight and get a bit fitter. If I find anything natural that reduces the hot flushes all the better and of course I shall keep you all informed.

The Sound of Silence......

Its a week ago since 'black friday' and everything is starting to feel sort of 'ok' again. I suppose I'm just going to have to accept that every now and then I'm going to feel miserable and suicidal, I can't do anything about this I believe it is mainly drug induced and those drugs are keeping me alive so when you weigh it all up you simply have to accept it. Every body gets depressed at some point in their lives its just exasperated and heightened in me by my dx and drugs.

We've just had some terrible storms for me it was kind of an external expression of how I was feeling internally, we've had flooding, gales, tree's down, freezing cold frost, hail stones just about every kind of extreme weather scenario, today I woke up to the sound of silence, and it was wonderful. No lashing rain against the window, no howling wind just sheer bliss and utter silence, well silence at least until my 2 cats woke up with their meowing and the pheasants outside started calling lol. The storm has passed not just physically but metaphysical and cleared the air leaving total calm.

Communications from the other side......

If you are a follower of this blog you will know that I am a spiritual person with a deep held belief system. In light of this and the previous posts which if I am being honest were fairly negative and I think you could describe my mind set presently as acutely depressed. So by chance I came across a blog that I haven't looked at in over a year, to explain, I found this blog site 'Spiritual light on Cancer' (link at the bottom) way back when I was dx but due to being in a heightened state of panic and fear didn't read it at the time but saved it for a later date, well that later date has finally arrived and I have spent the afternoon reading the blog in fact I printed it out and laid out on the couch and read it in my warm lounge (computer room is freezing) whilst I might add listening to some wonderfully deep meditation music by Osho. Anyway back to the blog, it is written by a fellow breast cancer patient Fiona and one with secondary's or mets basically the same as me, she is a spiritual person and due to her dx has lots of questions about her disease (as we all do) she has a friend called Zoe who lives in England who is a medium and channels spirit, Fiona and Zoe have been working together asking questions and obtaining replies from spirit guides, if you are interested in this then I highly recommend that you read the blog as I feel there is something fundamentally truthful in this, although I have to say that its taken a bit of re-reading to fully understand some of what has been said. I am presently forming a list of 1-10 points pertaining to this blog and the questions it posses and want to try and get the gist of it written down in a more coherent format, so that it is easier to digest. This is not too say that any of you wont understand what has been written, but it is for myself to completely understand and make some sense of what has been said. This could take some time but I think it will be well worth it in the long run. If your interested here's the link http://spiritual-light-on-cancer.blogspot.co.uk/
I will post next when I have put the list together. Love and light to all xxx

and another thing.....

As you can see from my last post I am very depressed at the moment and to some extent think its because I'm not producing any paintings anymore (not the designs of the last post), I really don't want cancer to stop me from being creative but don't feel like creating ever since I got dx, why?? I am perplexed by this and don't believe its just me as other creative types with breast cancer are also complaining about not feeling the urge. I suppose I put art up on a pedestal and for the last 20 years it has been my everything, thinking about it I feel that maybe a part of me is blaming art/design for my getting cancer, I was really stressed out before dx, it's really hard trying to make a living from your art, some months you make no money at all and then maybe over night your make a small fortune, and then sometimes big companies rip you off (see previous post) it certainly is not for the faint hearted.

My OH (other half) has gone visiting his family this afternoon which is a good thing, he's not seen them for a while and I think we both need a break from each other, this is not too say that I don't love him any less but I think he would agree we need some time to ourselves. When I was first dx I hated being on my own I was so very lonely I still suffer with loneliness but its of the inward variety, the sort that only others experiencing breast cancer and all its associated problems will understand, most of the time I feel like an alien inside my own body this is because since being dx I have put on nearly 2 stone in weight for the first time in my life before I was always a stable size 8-10 now I can range anything from sizes 12 -14 I am not used to my body hence the recent injury this could also be attributed to chemo brain which I am suffering from, your brain just does not function like it did before chemo its sort of like living in a constant fog its a phenomena known by the phrase 'chemo brain'.

Just had a stroll around the field at the back of the flats, its beautiful even on a wintery day like today I can hear some dogs barking in the distance and the sound of the huntsman's gun the poor pheasants don't stand a chance. The perk of living in the countryside is being so close to nature but the downside is the country people who I have too say are not that friendly and their ways, they just love to hunt and kill this is nothing new they have hunted with dogs and guns for a very long time but I suppose I am waring of the seasonal slaughter also find them so rude and very hard to get to know, some of them can be so aloof and unfortunately very stuck up, we have lived here for over 8 years and we hardly know anyone around here. It is for this reason as well as others that we have decided to look for somewhere else to live preferably a little nearer civilisation but sill on the outskirts of a good city. So far living here has not brought us any luck or happiness I feel maybe I need to move on to fresh pastures somewhere we can flourish and I can learn to adjust to a new me. This place with all its beauty is now tainted for me and only serves as a constant reminder of the recent past and my terrible dx.

Black Friday.......Cant keep it in.....

MEGA WARNING AND ADVANCE APOLOGIES TO ALL THOSE SENSITIVE SOULS OR THE OVERLY POSITIVE READERS OF THIS BLOG SEVERE SWEARING AND MASSIVE NEGATIVITY IN THIS NEXT POST IN THE WORDS OF CAT STEVENS "I CANT KEEP IT IN, I GOTTA LET IT OUT.....

So my last post was a moral and a wise one too but I am very very depressed today I'm not sure whether it is to do with the huge constantly spreading black/blue bruise that is now covering most of my upper leg and thigh from the fall the other day (last post I was sort of jovial about it not anymore) or whether its to do with the tiny tablet I take every day called tamoxifen, if it is the tamoxifen then why is it such a fucking paradox that the drug thats keeping me a live can also make me feel so fucking suicidal!!! See a total fucking paradox!!! I spent most of the morning juicing organic green vile shit and taking my supplements all of which is pro-life, then I take that stupid tablet that totally messes with my hormones and I feel like throwing myself off of the sea cliffs at the end of the road. No one understands me, not even my inner circle of friends and family, I feel so utterly alone in this. When I do have an moan about something thats bothering me I am told that I am over reacting, or not being fair or being unreasonable. Maybe I am but it feels like its always me thats in the wrong about every fucking thing and I am sick to the teeth of it. Sometimes I think its because I've got this fucking cancer that they believe that I must be doing something wrong, I am not fucking wrong all the time they have to accept that they can be wrong also just because they haven't got cancer doesn't mean to say they are holier than thou. People say "you look so well" and they forget that I am living with secondary breast cancer, of course I look well you would too if you plastered your face with enough make-up, honestly!! I suppose some of this rant can be attributed to the mounting anger inside of me about having to live with such a bastard of a disease I would of much rather been taken straight away at least that way you cant see the fucker thats gonna get you eventually, eventually being the operative word, no one knows when but I pretty sure I know whats gonna kill me cause I've been living up close and fucking personal with the evil little shit for the past 18 months!!! Apart from the injury, tamoxifen, and the insensitivity of everyone else there is one other thing thats pissing me off but I don't want to go into it now except for to say it involves relationships and families enough said eh!. I almost forgot to mention that on top of all of this it would appear that I have been well and truly ripped off by the major high St retail shop Paperchase, some of you may or may not know that as well as a cancer survivor I am also a designer/artist, as a designer I send out my artworks to reputable companies to sell my designs to them I also work with an agent but you have to try everything in the design industry the low down is that they have ripped me off and not paid me a penny for it, just adds insult to injury and makes for a right bummer of a week here's a link to my design blog where you can read all about it http://sweets-art.blogspot.co.uk/. Anyway enough of the rant, am I glad I got that lot off of my chest, I'm off to take some pain killers and camp out on the sofa, maybe "I'm a celebrity" will cheer me up. xxx

A moral tale from the well...........

Here's a short story that resonates with me on so many levels, I love it. Enjoy.xx

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

MORAL :
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less from people but more from yourself.

Two falls and a massive bruise.....

Hello all in blogger land,
I'm still waiting for results of my recent scans and have an appointment booked for early December which does seem like a long way off but I am not unduly worried about it and have managed for the first time to put it to the back of my mind.

Anyway I have other pressing worries on my mind at the moment, the first being the fact that I keep falling over!!! what the hell is the matter with me?? I'm wondering whether its all the weight I've put on over the past 6 months and the fact that I was always a size 8 before all of this cancer shit happened to me, the chemo and steroids started the weight gain and I think the tamoxifen is now adding to it, I've gone from a healthy 9st to nearly 11st totally scary!!! I'm not used to being this size and feel a bit like an alien in my own body! The first fall was in a shop (embarrassing) down the stairs and a literally went flying but apart from my pride nothing else was broken or hurt. The second fall was last night in my studio where I tripped up over my old easel and landed on one of the nuts/bolts on my right hand side buttock it really hurt and I woke up at 5am today with a painful throb! On closer inspection the grazed skin now looks like I've had a mastectomy on it!! The bruise is massive and extends down my leg I'm really pissed with myself because I am going to a Craft Fair today (birthday pressie from BF includes cream tea) and can't walk as I now have a limp so might have to get out an old granny stick (crazy at my age 45). You have too laugh tho, I'm sat with the affected buttock raised as I can't really sit on it lol. I'm thinking that I will phone up the Dr's surgery and get an early appointment just so they can check it out and make sure it's not infected or anything, it really is quite alarmingly looking. Falling over is scary the last time I did anything like was when I was a kid, you just can't quite believe your on the floor its a shock!

Reconstruction surgery questions and answers....

Sorry its been a while since I posted but I have been for one of my scans and appointments, cutting to the chase my appointment with breast surgeon, he was offering me a reconstruction but I wanted to ask some questions here are my questions and his answers (you never know this might help you if you are in a similar position).

1. "If I have a reconstruction will it trigger anymore tumours?" ( I figured that messing with the mastectomy site might not be a good idea and that it could have the extremely detrimental effect of causing the cancer to return) Dr. D's  reply " I can't say yes or no to that but in my extensive experience of breast surgery and the fact that this is what I do all day every day and its what I would like to perform for any breast cancer patient I would advise you that there is a possibility that opening you up and giving you a recon could cause the cancer to return!"

2. "If I do have a recon with an implant would the implant obscure the view for any further scans I might have to have in the future" Dr. D's reply "yes, it could obscure and hide the back of the chest wall to CT and other scans".

Dr D. then went on to say "These questions are well thought out valid questions, and as you have not come in here demanding a recon, I would advise you not to go ahead with these operations and feel this would be in your best interests".

So as you can gather I wont be having a reconstruction based on the answers he gave me and my own intuition on the subject, also as I have secondaries on my lungs I might need further emergency operations in the future (heaven forbid this happens to me but lets get real), my poor little body has been through enough, so I am going to save up my surgery options incase it is needed in the future.

On another matter he did mention that he'd taken a quick look at my bone scans and told me all looked well on that front, although I wont get my official results back until my oncologist appointment in December after my CT scan which is next week. So I am back in the waiting room which is never a nice place to be in but ignorance is bliss they say so I am enjoying a brief respite from worry and stress.
Love and light to you all. xxx

The truth hurts....BUT its ok.....

Taken from a post on facebook, this resonates on so many levels.

Self-care: YOUR BEAUTIFUL SHADOW. This may seem heretical, but sometimes the "positive thinkers" kind of piss me off. There's something about telling someone with serious disease, illness, or life challenge, to "just think positive" that ignores the very rich, beautiful reality of the human truth, that sometimes life is messy, that sometimes we are messy, and — importantly — that there are some things beyond our control, that there are Unknowable processes that are beyond our cognizance (i.e., we cannot "control" disease).

Certainly this is no advocacy of wallowing, spite, self-blame, pity. The Truth in the positive-thought/new-thought spiritualities is that harbouring and feeding the harder emotions does dampen our vitality, if at very least by the stress-related hormonal and neurotransmitter cascades thus opened and the muscular tensions thus released: our bodies and brains are restricted and, thereby, our experience of peace.

But there's something to discover in being courageous enough to permit the so-called negative emotions: PERMITTING THEM DOES NOT MEAN FOSTERING. We instead allow them to arise and then pass (psychophysiologists have reportedly documented that any emotion, no matter how extreme, actually lasts at most 30 to 60 seconds).

Be brave enough to let the physical experience of the emotion move through you, and AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, be mature and self-loving enough to feel that 30-second experience WITHOUT hurling it (i.e., "dumping sh*t) on other people (for we know we hurt ourselves when we hurt others).

BUT DEAR ONES, GET REAL: WE ARE DEALING WITH CANCER. Of course sometimes you are going to be discouraged, angry and distrustful — with G-d, with well-intentioned people who say ignorant things, with even our bodies themselves at moments when we are wracked with pain.

•None of these emotions/thoughts detracts for one second from your beauty.• I would wish you to know this deeply. Root just enough in Your Grace that you can let the whole of life move through you. And yes, set an Intention on healing, on the uplifting emotions (in end, it's about what you are worth and the life that wants to move and express itself through you).

This is no less a heroine's mission (and yes, I mean "of the feminine", therefore expressly use the word "heroine") — to hold the mess and maelstrom of the human experience while yet connecting to the glorious still-point of something Divine.

You have it in you. Let it be and let it serve you today. Sending so very much love.

(Ellyn Kerr for You Can Thrive!)

Breast Cancer is set to increase exponentially.....

I'm not just imagining it then! It really is happening the beast is attacking more and more women, here's a link to a very interesting article on the subject.

Guardian.co.uk - If breast cancer is on the rise, we must find a way to pay for it

A fragile existence.....

Since I last posted I have been for my 3 monthly appointment with my oncologist, and as a result I am to have a bone scan and a CT scan, the bone scan is scheduled for next monday and will take up most of the afternoon, the last one was back at the beginning of my dx, so I have been feeling fairly anxious about it. The main reason for the bone scan is because I have been experiencing a weird pain on my rib cage underneath my good left side breast, this has been worrying me and I have tried to ignore it and then realised that ignoring things is what got me into this mess in the first place. As soon as you think things are returning to normal up it pops, so I expect to be a little fragile for the next few weeks or at least until I have the results, of course I will keep posting and keep my blog up to date, but please excuse me for not feeling on top of the world.

Reiki the KLF and a blinding sunset!

To bring you all up to date I have been away for a few days visiting my parents and friends so have been neglecting my blog but I'm back and have a fair bit to write about.

Firstly, the dreaded appointment with the fabulous Dr D. (my breast surgeon), waited for what seemed like an eternity and in a very packed waiting room, when I did get to go in I had a very quick examination to which he seemed pleased, then off to have a mamo (this I was not expecting) but all went ok and it didn't hurt as much as the first one I had done, also the mamo nurse was very nice and chatted away to me showing me my previous mamo (the one that showed the cancerous lump) this was the first time I had seen the image and was a little anxious on seeing it but then after chatting realised that I have nothing to be anxious about the lump and breast has gone, and there is no cancer anywhere else, my good breast mamo showed nothing sinister but I have too wait for the official results in a couple of weeks time, but I'm not particularly worried and feel it will be ok. Whilst chatting to the nurse she mentioned that Dr D. was exceptionally busy at the moment and had too see 36 women that day!!!! 36 women!!! thats quite shocking, what the hell is going on? I am at a loss for words, I believe that something is terribly wrong that just seems like such a lot of women affected by this awful disease. Due to his work load Dr D. mentioned that he wants me to book an appointment when he's not so busy so that we can discuss the possibility of reconstruction surgery I will keep you posted on that one.

Anyone who reads my blog regularly knows that I am a spiritual being and have tried a number of complementary treatments including spiritual healing, so my main purpose for visiting my parents was to also go and receive Reiki treatment from a wonderful lady by the name of Jan here's a link to her website http://www.jmreiki.co.uk/ where it explains in detail what Reiki is all about. My session was very similar to the other spiritual healers I have visited except Jan was also able to give me information on the spirits that are either guides or are around me with messages of hope and advice. I have a spirit Dr around me who wears a monocle eye piece, she was not sure whether he was a deceased relative or whether he had attached himself to me, personally I feel he is attached to me via our flat which is a very old listed building and used to be part of a huge estate (similar to that of Downton Abbey). He has been administering 'old medicine' to me and has taken me on as a patient, I am very very glad he is around me and feel honoured and lucky to be receiving his help. Whilst giving me healing Jan told me that I had 'spiritual surgery' during our session in which the surgeon removed some more of my lymph nodes, again this does not frighten or upset me in fact to the contrary I am ever so grateful that they have performed this operation on me especially as they believed it would help. She also indicated that in a past life I was a herbalist/healer which explains why I am so drawn to the old country medicines and  remedies, she also told me that it was not my time to go yet and that I had a lot more work to do on the planet. This news has given me such a boost.

I spent the day with my mum and dad and the following day visiting a very close friend all of which has helped pull me out of the misery and depression I was feeling in my last post, I am glad to report I am back to my old self and feel a burst of creative energy fizzling up inside me and I'm looking forward to getting things going on the project front. My brilliant friend gave me a load of music CD's one of which was by the KLF its taken me back to my youth and given me a warm fuzzy feeling of comfort inside, thanks and love to P.

Here's a list of all the things I want to try and achieve over the coming winter months:
1. Start writing a book based on this blog and Breast Cancer
2. Get on with some needle felting/sculpting
3. Paint and enter an open art competition (thats coming up this month)
4. Finish my collection of Gypsy designs
5. Re-decorate the lounge

Driving home tonight we stopped in at Glastonbury and filled up our water bottles with the mineral rich healing waters of the Chalice Well, the sunset by the Tor was absolutely breath taking.
Love and light xxxx

Living in the moment.....

"Living in the moment" this phrase is something people have told me and vica versa, so what does it really mean to live in the moment, 10 point guide to living in the moment.

1. Own your time. 

Know that every moment you spend doing anything is a choice. All of the “have-tos” and the “musts do” are because you choose what doing them will bring. Time is the only resource we can’t renew. Invest it in experiences, places, and people that are meaningful to you.

2. Decide and define what you want your moments to be about. 

Are you a learner? an explorer? a teacher? a risk taker? a rodeo clown? When you look back in the last moment of your life what sort of moments will you cherish most? Decide now to make more of them.

3. Don’t wait for the right moment to be alive. 

Stop yourself several times a day to look at the sky, to experience the environment you’re in, to hear your own thoughts as they move through your mind. Don’t wait for the someday to try something new.

4. Spend time with people who truly live the moments of their lives. 

We slowly become what we look at most. If we hang with the best role models, we can learn the pros.

5. Minimise the number and effect of negative moments in your life. 

Let go of anger and pain. Carrying around memories of bad times gets in the way of what we might be experiencing now.

6. Don’t invest in fights that you don’t need to win. 

Who has time to argue about silly things? Meet with your friends in the places where you build things, not in the places where things get torn down.

7. Make positive moments. Negative thoughts build fences and defenses. Positive people attract positive people who are doing positive things.

8. Know when you’re getting swept into the current and losing sight of the moments of your life.

 It will be a need to speed up. Then it will be some sort of stress. Stop to reflect on who you are, where you are, what you value, and how you want to live your life. Stretch.

9. Think of every moment as a chance to see more of yourself. 

Take small risks that push your ideas and ideals. Living is growing. Expand every moment into memory of a life.

10. Curate and protect with bold intention. 

Let the people and places you care about know that part of living your life is dedicated to them.

Taken from this blog http://www.successful-blog.com/1/10-ways-to-live-in-the-moment-every-moment-of-your-life/

The Swallows, Betty and the Surgeon....

As the title might suggest this is a some what melancholy post and I feel I have to warn you that I am particularly low at the moment. I'm not sure why could be to do with yet another of the wonderful ladies on the forum passing (see previous posts), or that quite a few ladies on the FB chat group are suffering and fighting hard, could be just to do with the time of year and the fact that I get very very sad when the swallows leave, it's the final curtain for summer (certainly cold enough!).

The other morning I counted around 50 swallows balancing on the wires, all very active and singing their hearts out it was like the last gathering before the big off. So I bid them farewell for this year and secretly wonder will I still be here to see them return! I think that's what is getting too me.

Tomorrow I see my breast surgeon Dr D., haven't seen him since my mx last year so I think this is just a routine check up appointment, but for some reason I couldn't stop thinking about it last night and ended up getting out of bed at 4 in the morning and reading my Betty Shine books which as it happens is not such a bad thing, Betty died back in 2002 but she was a phenomenal healer/medium/clairvoyant her daughter Janet Shine has produced a website http://www.zitaglio.com/bettyshine/ and channels her mother to provide absent healing, so I have written to her in the hope that she can send me some absent healing.

Its ridiculous but we've just been out blackberry picking and I caught myself crying whilst walking around, I quickly put my sunglasses on to try and hide my tears, and I know its stupid I honestly don't know what I am crying about, as far as all the cancer stuff I'm actually doing really well, I suppose its like a monkey stuck to my back its never far behind me and will always tug at the heart strings as I lament on my life before breast cancer and yearn to be care free and back to my old self. Thank god for this blog, I really needed to let that lot out.
Love and light to all
xxx

Bowen Technique

The latest complementary treatment I have been trying out is called the Bowen Technique, my lymph nurse referred me to a lovely lady called Val and so far I have had two sessions with her at the local hospice where she is based. I have been suffering with constipation probably as a direct result of all the drugs I am on after telling Val about this she tailored her treatment taking this into consideration and after the treatment was finished and later in the day lets just say the problem was resolved, I feel it was the Bowen that helped. Here's a link if your interested http://www.bowen-technique.co.uk/.

I have my yearly appointment with my breast surgeon on Thursday he may offer me a reconstruction I have discussed this with family and friends, but I'm still not sure whether or not to go down the road of more surgery, will keep you all informed how this goes.

Love and light to all xxxxx

Light a candle, say a prayer...

It is with a heavy heart like a ton weight bearing down on me that I bring you the sad sad news about BCC forum poster Karen aka SCACO (staycalmandcarryon) who has passed away. I don't know the full details all I could find was comments on an 'in memory' thread on the forum, it would appear that she had developed secondaries, apparently whilst on holiday and was taken from us very very quickly. SCACO was a great friend to me when I was first dx she was always so positive and upbeat, she was a clever lady with a great sense of humour. Taken way too soon (I think she was late 30's). It seems that it was a very quick exit and I hope she did not suffer in pain for long.

SCACO is now the tenth woman I have become friends with over the past 18 months that has passed away from breast cancer. I hate this fucking disease its so warped and twisted there is no rhyme or reason to it. I pray every day that they find the cause for this absolute nightmare of a disease, at least then we might have a cure.

"God, it's so hard to stay positive when all around you is the utter chaos of cancer and its associated outcomes, please give me strength and courage to carry on and in the process to support and help others. Amen".

The lovely lymph nurse....

I suspected that the pain in my arm and trunk was more than normal mastectomy site mending itself pain and my oncologist referred me to a Lymphedema Nurse called Vikki. I felt a bit strange about going for this appointment because I was dreading the possible prospect of having to wear a compression sleeve and also the nurse is based in our local hospice. I have too say I was pleasantly surprised, the hospice was so calm and blissful a huge manor house converted, very friendly offering you tea and coffee in a comfortable waiting area with big armchairs, I don't really know what I was expecting to find but it certainly was not something as comforting as it proved to be and I no longer have 'the fear' as regards to a hospice.

As for lymphedema I do have it but very mild and early stages which is mainly in my trunk on the side, the pains I was experiencing turned out to be nothing to do with lymphedema but everything to do with my nerves knitting themselves back together (its been a year since my mastectomy). Vikki measured both of my arms and told me that my right arm (which is the affected limb) is 2% larger than my left, although my right arm is my dominant arm anyway so it would always be slightly larger, needless to say I am hugely relieved that all the exercises are paying off and keeping the dam lymphedema at bay.  We had a great chat and I found her to be so sympathetic and understanding.

During the consultation she said would I like to be referred to a Bowen Technique practitioner, I have heard of this complementary treatment and wanted to try it out anyway so was pleased to find that its free of charge on the NHS if your referred by your lymph nurse and a series of appointments have been made. My first appointment was on Friday and was very interesting, a series of light touch movements all over my body and it really did seem to work wonders, aligning and correcting my spine whilst attempting to deal with my side effects ie: migraines/hot flushes/neck and back pain. I will keep you all posted on how I progress with these treatments but I already feel something inside me has clicked and am looking forward to my next session which will be next week.

The bigger picture.....

Yesterday was a complete wash out here, it just would not let up on the rain, we have enough now!!!! Unfortunately due to the weather and yet another migraine I was forced into a sofa and pj's day, instead of going over to Glastonbury as previously posted, so cant report on that at the moment although will be driving in the next couple of weeks to collect the Red Spring waters.

Since being dx with this disease I have been forced to look at the world through renewed eyes (no rose tinted specks for me!!!) this new way of being has led to some life altering special moments. These poignant reminders of our fragility those special moments that say loud and clear THINK ABOUT IT or TAKE NOTICE, are normally very few and far between in an ordinary life but to someone afflicted with a life threatening prognosis they can come thick and fast. My most recent 'moment' came whilst watching the BBC 2 Horizon programme http://www.bbc.co.uk/i/b01mgllj/ all about mapping the universe, yes thats right they are mapping the universe, crazy but true, now I'm no brain of britain so some of what they talk about goes over my head like blah blah and general babble, occasionally some of it actually seeps into the old grey matter and I have a eureka moment. Its hard to put into words exactly what I have realised but something has twigged inside and brings me enormous comfort, maybe its the imagery they use in the programme showing you how infinite the universe is, the size of it is just mind boggling, our planet looks like nothing more than a speck of dust in the whole scheme of things, or maybe its because when you actually think about it you are faced with life's ultimate questions, the meaning and purpose you cannot deny the existence of something else, something totally awesome you just can't contemplate it. People dress this up as religion or god and I never doubt that there is an existence beyond the one we are bound to live on this planet, I believe in spirit and soul, I cannot accept that when we die that is it, we witness miracles everyday and the wonder of nature constantly.

A true miracle..

I came across this lady Anita Moorjani by accident and wanted to share her story, to me it represents a miracle and gives me inspiration and hope.  http://anitamoorjani.com/?page_id=159 and http://youtu.be/nV8L6UMjeaQ http://youtu.be/4jUmbGbRgGA

Taking a dip to activate it.....

So I was pondering why I was so consumed with the need to go for a dip in the sea, we've had a couple of days of sunny weather (finally) lol and I just had to get in the sea. The last time I went for a swim was over 2 year ago prior to my dx. Afterwards I felt a lot better my lymph affected arm was not as swollen, my skin felt amazing and I got a good exercise workout without straining anything (salt water really supports your body). Not being a strong swimmer I am always a bit afraid of going in for a swim in the sea also hate the cold but with the use of a wet suit I was able to stay in for over an hour! I was telling my spiritual healer about it and she reminded me that swimming in cold water or taking a cold shower can kick start the immune system, ah the penny dropped, maybe thats why I wanted to swim in the sea! As a cancer patient my immune system has failed me in not killing off the rogue cells, could be that it needs a good kick up the ass! She also informed me that she knew a couple of elderly ladies one of whom is 85 years old that either take a daily or weekly dip in the sea! The 85 year old swears that it's the one thing that has kept her healthy and helped with anti ageing. 

Four health benefits for cold water swimming.

Although the air temperatures may be up there in the first few weeks of summer, the lake takes a bit longer to heat up, making for those first few dips a bit frigid. Did you know there are actually health benefits to cold water swimming? Consider these four health benefits for cold water swimming to entice you into a pre-summer plunge:

1. Boosts your immune system: Drastic temperature changes to your body causes sudden shock; however scientists from the Czech Republic found this to be a good thing. The scientists immersed subjects in cold water for one hour, three times a week, and monitored their physiology. They found significant increases in white blood cell counts and several other factors relating to the immune system. This was attributed to the cold water being a mild stressor which activates the immune system and gives it some practice.

2. For an all-natural high: Endorphins are the body’s natural pain killers and, in the case of a cold dip, it uses them to take the sting away from your skin. So, to get high on your own supply, all you need to do is jump in the cold pond.

3. Burns calories: Swimming in cold water will make your body work twice as hard to keep you warm and burn more calories in the process.

4. Gets your blood pumping: Being hot brings blood to the surface. Being cold sends it to your organs. Both extremes work your heart like a pump which helps flush your circulation for starters, pushing blood through all your capillaries, veins and arteries. You could get these benefits by switching between the hot and cold taps in your shower, but that doesn’t sound nearly as fun as quick dip in East Lake followed by a warm wrapping afterwards.

Original source http://thenextchallenge.org/2010/02/cold-water-swimming/

So it would seem I need to get over being such a baby when it comes to the cold and kick start my immune system into working properly. Will keep you all posted on my progress. In the meantime here's some links that you might find interesting. 

Love and light to you all x

http://www.secrets-of-longevity-in-humans.com/cold-showers.html

Chalice Well Event

I've mentioned in the past my love of Somerset in particular Glastonbury I have been reliably informed that on bank holiday monday the Chalice Well, in Glastonbury will be holding a day of healing and as I've just run out of Red Spring water I think a visit is in order here's the link http://www.chalicewell.org.uk/index.cfm/glastonbury/Events.Details/event_id/159
Hope you all have lovely bank holiday.xx

More on Mushrooms...

I forgot to add that I am thinking of adding the Reishi/Shiitake/Maitake Mushroom extract by Solgar to my supplement list http://www.solgaronline.co.uk/Solgar-Reishi-Shiitake-Maitake-Mushroom-Extract-50-Vegicaps_p_644.html?gclid=CMeC7sKA-bECFWUntAodFW0A7Q

The Magic of Mushroom power......

During all of my research I have come across plenty of interesting articles about the wonders of the mushroom, particular mushrooms of importance are Shitake, Reishi, Maitake, Turkey Tail, Dong Chong Xia Cao, and Chaga here are some links that you might find interesting: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuL_faveAnw
http://cancerhelp.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/cancer-questions/mushrooms-in-cancer-treatment
http://www.nhs.uk/news/2009/11November/Pages/anti-cancer-mushroom-research.aspx
http://www.phellinus-research.com/weblink/phellinus-linteus-cancer-research.com/index.htm

Ganoderma Reishi Mushroom – “The mushroom of immortality”
The benefits listed are backed by clinical studies conducted by the Japanese. Here is a list of some of them: Migraine headaches, Blood pressure – can lower blood pressure, so be careful if you are already taking a BP medication, anti inflamatory, asthma, improves kidney function, regulates immune system. Many cancer related benefits – also used to help chemotherapy patients. Cardiovascular problems, allergies, insomnia, menstrual problems, constipation, haemorrhoids. Improves energy level – general feeling of well being.

Shiitake – The black forest tree mushroom
Indigenous to China, Japan and other Asian countries. Shiitake mushrooms have also been cultivated for their medicinal properties since pre-historic times. These miracle mushrooms are known to have anti-fungal, anti-tumor and anti-viral properties. Lentinan, an active compound found in shiitake mushrooms, helps boost the immune system, enhancing your ability to fight infection and disease.

Maitake – The cloud mushroom
http://the-maitake-mushroom.blogspot.co.uk
Maitake mushroom extract is most widely known for its use as a cancer-fighting agent. Maitake mushroom contains polysaccharides and polysaccharide-protein complexes that the body uses to build the immune system. The extract's content of beta-glucan in particular serves as a healthy defense system to promote important immune system actions. The glucan effectively activates white blood cells that fight off the microorganisms that produce disease, including cancer. Maitake mushroom extract boosts the activity of these various cells to induce the production of interleukins and other lymphokines that have chemoprotective effects, slow tumor growth, and help to inhibit the spread of cancer.

Chaga – The black tree fungus. Helps stimulate the immune system to fight infection, cancer, and immune diseases. These miracle mushrooms grow on birch trees and look like a large slab of burnt charcoal. You can find it in China, Japan, Korea, Russia, East European countries, America and Canada. It's been found that Chaga contains anti-mutagenic compounds, that inhibit mutations, which are changes in DNA and RNA sequences. A compound found in both birch tree and Chaga called betulinic acid shows anti-cancer properties in laboratory studies. Chaga absorbs betulinic acid from the birch tree. Amongst the many claims of this mushroom is that it can inhibit tumour growth, kill's cancer cells, and stimulates the immune system to fight cancer. 

Chaga Mushroom growing on Birch Tree

If your serious about getting to know your fungi better then here's a link to a website that provides some gorgeous recipes all mushroom related. Enjoy.

http://www.moretomushrooms.com/mushroom-recipes/

Words of wisdom from across the pond

Since I had left the british Breast cancer care site I have moved over to using the American site, its a lot easier to use and actually works properly. I found this posted after a comment I made and found it touched somewhere deep inside and spoke to me of a truth I had been missing.

I have to share some of the pastor's sermon from this morning. The message was that practicing an activity over and over makes us better at it; practicing good makes us better at being good, practicing bad makes us better at being bad. 

The other part of the message was that it's OK to be angry - but interpreted as "being outraged at wrongs" - such as injustice, poverty, etc. It should prompt us to address the wrongs to help those who are unable to stand up for themselves. 

So, I know that by sharing experiences, loving kindness, and acceptance of each others' experiences, we are practicing "doing good" and we are sharing the outrage at the injustice of breast cancer and its effects, and hopefully helping all of us to get through it. 

Another snippet from our friends across the pond, this puts it all in perspective putting the pieces together in a coherent way, facing the reality that is.

After time has past, in my opinion, it doesn't matter what you eat, drink, breath, absorb, worry, gene-pool-inherit, nor-where you live at any one point, "unless you live near a nuclear reactor", that it makes a-sceric of difference why this mutation occurs, its the Zillion $$ question, It maybe simply that all or some of the above needs to cross paths at the same time, in order for the mutant-dual-receptor-mutation to take place, and maybe add the stress-factor scenario, immune-suppressor to miss one of our own cells running over-time....Im guessing one day researcher will find a simple explanation for this and it may-well of been sitting right under our noises all the time !!!
Love and light xx

Kidney help....

As promised here is a list of seven ways to help lower your creatinine levels and improve kidney function. Taken from the excellent website Kidney Coach by Duncan Capicchiano.
http://www.kidneycoach.com/857/creatinine-levels/


Naturally Lower Creatinine Levels

1. Vegetarian diet: By consuming a largely plant based diet you will be helping your body in a few distinct ways
- Dietary sources of creatine and creatinine are only found within animal products, therefore you will be reducing the burden of “extra” creatine and creatinine circulating through your blood by eating a largely plant based diet.
- Clinical studies show that the consumption of red meat is detrimental to the health of kidneys.
- Plant based diets have show to reduce all the major risk factors of kidney disease. E.g. diabetes, and high blood pressure (hypertension).
- Dairy products (milk, cheese, cream, yoghurt, ice cream, butter) have been shown in clinical studies to exacerbate kidney disease.

2. Avoid creatine supplements: not only do high doses of this large molecule cause kidney problems (because of its large size it can cause the kidneys to swell), but by supplying the body with extra creatine, you will cause more creatine to be spontaneously converted to the by-product creatinine.

3. Avoid strenuous physical activity: thereby decreasing the breakdown of creatine into creatinine.

4. Nettle leaf tea: drink 1 to 2 cups a day. Nettle leaf tea is a simple yet powerful kidney tonic that can improve kidney function and reduce serum creatinine levels.

5. Avoid the over consumption of Vanadium: Although very beneficial for the body, particularly for diabetes and blood sugar problems, over consumption of the mineral vanadium has been linked to increased blood creatinine levels (stay under 100mcg a day).

6. Alpha lipoic acid: This is a fantastic nutrient! And one that I recommend every kidney disease sufferer begin right away. It helps provide energy to the kidneys, it helps nutrialise toxins to make them harmless to the body (so elimination does not damage the kidneys), it helps improve kidney function, and of course helps lower creatinine levels. If you would like to know more info on alpha lipoic acid,  I recommend a dosage of 300mg a day.

7. Chitosan: Chitosan maybe be better known for weight management, but believe it or not it has another trick up its sleeve. Chitosan supplementation in clinical studies reduced urea, creatinine and cholesterol levels in the blood, and increased haemoglobin production in patients with chronic kidney disease. I recommend a dosage of 1000-4000mg a day.

Now its my kidneys!!!!!

Today I went for my routine oncology appointment, of course I never get to see my actual oncologist instead I see one of the registrars a russian woman ( FYI I am not a racist and never have been BUT) her english is terrible, so hard to understand what she is saying I have to really concentrate on it also she has a tendency to smirk at me when I am asking her very important questions or discussing side effects! Why would you do that? this is supposed to be a serious conversation!  Anyway back to the appointment she told me just as we were leaving last time that my kidneys were showing a above normal high number (whatever the fuck that means!) she told me to drink loads of water and not take Ibuprofen or Aspirin (I don't take these medicines anyway and drink tons of water) and again this time she told me that my creatinine levels were high again she reiterated what she told me last time to drink plenty and not to take certain medicines. I also told her about my migraines, my swollen stomach and back which I now realise is my kidneys, she told me these were all symptoms of going through the menopause and did not seem worried about it, in fact she smirked when I told her!. I'm now a bit worried to say the least as I have googled it and the following post is what I found, its a bit long but if you are in the same position I suggest you take this in.

Acute renal failure is a malfunction of the kidneys so that they are unable to perform their vital functions, one of the most important of which is filtering out waste. Some cancer treatments cause damage to the kidneys that can result in acute kidney failure. Kidney damage is usually reversible if it is carefully managed to control the life-threatening complications. Once the drug or drugs that are causing the kidney damage are stopped, treatment focuses on preventing the excess accumulation of fluid and waste while allowing the kidneys to heal.

What is acute renal failure?
Acute renal failure is a malfunction of the kidneys so that they are unable to perform the vital function of filtering out waste from the blood. Acute renal failure may be caused by decreased blood supply to the kidneys from drugs or infection, direct toxic damage to the kidneys, or by blockage in the urinary system. The most common cause of acute renal failure in cancer patients is damage to the cells in the kidney.

The kidneys are fist-sized organs located in your lower back, near your spine. Their chief functions are to filter out waste products and regulate electrolytes and water levels. When the body breaks down protein from the diet for energy or building tissues, it produces a waste product called urea. Urea circulates in the blood until it is filtered out by the kidneys and excreted in the urine. When the kidneys are not functioning properly, filtration is reduced and urea builds up in the blood. Also, the balance of electrolytes and water cannot be adequately regulated, sometimes resulting in a buildup of potassium, sodium, and fluid.

Kidney damage may also result in increased excretion of protein in the urine. Protein is an important component in our blood that carries food, hormones, and many other things through the body. Under normal conditions, blood proteins do not pass through the kidneys into the urine because they are too big. If you have kidney damage, protein may pass into your urine. Protein in the urine may be a sign of temporary or permanent kidney damage or failure.

What causes kidney damage?
Some chemotherapy drugs and biologic therapies can cause kidney damage. Chemotherapy causes renal dysfunction by damaging the blood vessels or structures of the kidneys. The chemotherapy drugs that are most likely to cause kidney damage are listed below.

Kidney damage occurs in 30 percent or more of patients using the following chemotherapy drugs:
Cytosar-U® (cytarabine)
Gemzar® (gemcitabine)
Ifex® (ifosfamide)
Platinol® (cisplatin)
Proleukin® (interleukin-2)
Zanosar® (streptozocin)

Kidney damage occurs in 10 percent to 29 percent of patients using the following chemotherapy drugs:
Alimta® (pemetrexed)
Eloxatin® (oxaliplatin)
Mithracin® (plicamycin)
Mylotarg® (gemtuzumab ozogamicin)
Neutrexin® (trimetrexate)
Paraplatin® (carboplatin)
Rheumatrex® (methotrexate) 

What are the symptoms of kidney damage?
You may not have any symptoms of kidney damage. However, you should notify your doctor if you exhibit any of the following:
Decrease in amount of urine or frequency
Pain or urgency with urination
Dark urine
Blood in your urine
Fatigue
Muscle weakness
Swelling in your feet or ankles
Nausea or vomiting
Confusion, seizure

Notify your doctor immediately if your urine output decreases or stops.

How is kidney damage diagnosed?
1. Blood levels of two products of normal body function, blood urea nitrogen and creatinine, are used to diagnose kidney problems.

Blood urea nitrogen (BUN) - The waste product from the breakdown of protein is called urea. Urea circulates in the blood until it is filtered out by the kidneys and excreted in the urine. If the kidneys are not functioning properly, there will be excess urea in the bloodstream. Under normal conditions, BUN levels range from 10 to 25 mg/dL (milligrams per deciliter) of blood.

Creatinine - Some of the energy for your muscles is derived from burning a substance called creatine. Creatinine is the waste product left after the breakdown of creatine. The kidneys are normally able to filter out large amounts of creatinine on a daily basis. However, when your kidneys are not functioning properly, your creatinine levels will increase. Under normal conditions, creatinine levels range from 0.7 to 1.4 mg/dL (milligrams per deciliter) of blood.

2. Urine changes are frequently seen as a result of kidney damage. Bloody or turbid urine or a major decrease or increase in the amount of urine you produce may indicate kidney damage. A urinalysis done by a laboratory often will show changes that are characteristic of kidney damage. For example, an increase in red blood cells, white blood cells, protein, or casts (abnormal structures in your urine) are frequent signs of kidney damage.
How is kidney damage treated?

Kidney damage is usually reversible, if it is carefully managed to control the life-threatening complications. Once the drug or drugs that are causing the kidney damage are stopped, treatment focuses on preventing the excess accumulation of fluids and wastes while allowing the kidneys to heal. This may be achieved in several ways, including diuretics, sodium polystyrene sulfonate, diet modification, dialysis, or drugs.

Diuretics - Commonly known as water pills. Your doctor may prescribe a diuretic to increase the amount of water you excrete in the urine. A commonly used diuretic is Lasix® (furosemide).

Sodium polystyrene sulfonate - This medication helps lower the amount of potassium in your blood by binding with the potassium in your stomach or gut so that you excrete it. This medication is administered by mouth or in an enema. Brand names include Kayexcalate® and Kionex®.

Diet modification - Your doctor may recommend that you restrict substances that are normally excreted by the kidney. This may include food high in protein, sodium (salt), and potassium.

Dialysis - Dialysis is the use of a machine to remove excess waste and fluid. Your blood is routed through the dialysis machine then back into your body. Dialysis is not necessary for every patient, but may be lifesaving, particularly if you have very high levels of potassium and urea in your blood.

Drugs - Ethyol® (amifostine), sodium thiosulfate, and diethyldithiocarbamate may help prevent or reduce the kidney toxicity associated with Platinol® (cisplatin).
How can kidney damage be prevented?

The best measure for preventing kidney damage is to avoid treatments that cause it. Under certain circumstances, your doctor may also apply the following approaches:

Urinary alkalization and hydration - Urinary alkalization and increased hydration provides protection against kidney damage caused by Rheumatrex® (methotrexate).

Ethyol® (amifostine) - Clinical trials have shown that amifostine protects against kidney toxicity related to cisplatin chemotherapy.

It is a good idea to increase fluid intake the day before, of, and after receiving a chemotherapy treatment to help flush the byproducts out of your body.

Still reading? mind blowing! its so complicated and serious and I was just brushed off like it was an everyday occurrence, unbelievable! I have another appointment booked for 2 months time on the 12th of October when they will probably do another CT scan, I'm now going to look into it further and see if there is anything I can do for myself like diet etc. When I have researched thoroughly I will post my findings.

Fair weather health....

Hi all, it's literally the calm after the storm, we had rain all night quite heavy with thunder and finally the oppressive atmosphere has finally lifted including the way I was feeling (see previous post), so I am glad to report back to being my upbeat self again. My mood swings have been quite bad recently and I am putting it down to the tamoxifen and the endless migraines, the headaches come with nausea and are therefore migraines, I've had one a week for the past five weeks they seem to occur on a Friday and can last all weekend. I went to see my GP as I was running out of Co-Codamol (my life saver) otherwise I think I would go out of my head! He prescribed some more of the strong stuff as well as taking extra Clonidine so I now take three of those twice a day and thank god it seems to be working. So I'm hoping I can say ta da to the head fuck headaches and the extreme nausea and hello to some fair weather health and feeling more like a human being, trying to get back to some sort of normality.

I am cooking a sunday roast but not like you would imagine, yes there is a freerange chicken but no roast potatoes instead I am cooking sweet potatoes in there jackets first time ever also some green beans and broccoli, have to admit really looking forward to this meal, so will post soon, but promise to be a more positive and happier soul. Love to ya xx

Ciao, adios, aux revoir, bye......

Today I left the breast cancer care site partly because of the fact that since the website and forum were revamped it has not been working properly, you can write a well thought out reply only to have it deleted just as your going to post it, this is both frustrating and annoying, also I have always kept my comments as polite and courteous as possible I was brought up this way and I don't see it as a bad trait on a couple of occasions others have decided to just be either plain horrible or just bitchy, basically if you don't want to join in a conversation no ones forcing you too join in and if you don't like what your reading then don't go there, no one is forcing anyone to comment or to read it, you should only really comment if you have anything relevant to add to the thread, the breast cancer care forum is not a place for others to dig at you, I think hormones play a big part in all of this, I know I can be tetchy at times and yes I do loose my rag but honestly some of the other comments are so upsetting, I only ever commented on the forum to either a) ask a question or for some support/advice especially at the beginning, b) to try and help others and give them my views especially since I have researched extensively and write this blog to try and make sense of all the information out there it helps to speak with someone who has already gone through the whole treatment process, c) support and understanding, were all in the same boat. Instead I shall be using the private group on Facebook where all the ladies are so friendly and we all support and help each other out, we all have secondaries it helps that we appreciate what it is to have to live with cancer. Subject now closed and moving on.

Heart scan and coffee....

Yesterday I went for my 3 monthly heart scan with the cardiologist, to check that my heart is up to the Herceptin, it can unfortunately affect your heart muscle and if your numbers (don't ask me what or how they do this) are below 50bpm (beats per minute I presume!!) then they will stop the herceptin. This was quite a shock and sent me on a massive worry trip, the research I did informed me (from a couple of lady's on the forum) that before the scan if you drink a cup of coffee (no decaf) this will increase your heart beat, so yesterday I did (feel a bit naughty) but it worked I think my numbers have been going steadily down 1st one was 76bpm 2nd one was 72bpm 3rd one was 67bpm and the latest one was 64bpm all of these numbers are acceptable and the cardiologist told me everything looked fine, just don't want to chance them stopping this drug it could be saving my life. Left the hospital as high as a kite because I've given up caffeine no tea or coffee unless its decaf, so the strong real coffee nearly blew my head off lol. Feeling fine and looking forward to a fun filled week of hospital appointments and treatments! I am actually looking forward to the acupuncture session because believe it or not I think I've cracked the constipation problem and I believe its the acupuncture, so one down two more to go, here's hoping she can sort out the migraines and the hot flushes, you can only live in hope.

Also started doing the yoga exercises on the wii and its actually ok, was a bit worn out afterwards but feel its the way too go, also want to try Tai Chi and Qigong as I've heard this is good for breast cancer here's a link to a youtube vid on the subject http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sk98bYswqhI&list=PL530E7008CDB43EBB&feature=plcp there are a few more in the series all worth a watch if your interested.


Stay healthy and happy love sarahx

A moment of clarity

Apologies to anyone who was offended by my last post but its true I really did need to get that off my chest and out into the open, now I can move on and have found that quite profound words are coming to me from out of the blue.

If you live like each day is your last you appreciate the tiny things in life so much more, if you were told that this day is your last would you choose to spend it cleaning out the closet? or would you choose to spend it with friends family? what is important to you? how would you choose to spend the last day of your life? This is the question I am faced with at the start of every day, and it is the difference between living with cancer and living without cancer, there can be no off days, no lazy days, no wasteful days, everything has purpose and meaning even the mundane has a relevance.

I am living with cancer therefore I am living without the luxury of ignorance or complacency, the daily struggles that everyone takes for granted are no longer presented as an annoyance they are challenges, obstacles to be approached with courage and an open mind. My life before cancer was like walking around with your eyes shut, I feel like I have woken up, I am aware, my intelligence, my soul, and my heart are revived I am seeing with fresh eyes and feeling with new emotions. I believe we all with cancer or without need to ponder our existence, stop taking life for granted, people need to experience life as though they were children once again, what advice would you give to your child like self?

The Heat is on...

The heat is on not just literally, spent most of today trying to avoid the heat it's bad enough with the perpetual hot flushes let alone with all this hot weather, although I prefer to have gorgeous sunny days as opposed to constant rain! One good thing about this hot weather is that I tend to get up earlier and start the day with a organic green juice, another good tip is to make smoothies these are seriously yum, yesterday I used a bag of pre bought frozen fruits, bio live yogurt, and lactose free semi-skimmed milk, today I used fresh pineapple and cantaloupe melon which I diced and put in the freezer, added the organic bio live yogurt and lactose free semi skimmed milk, totally tropical and brilliantly cooling, also really good for you and yummy!


On another note and in the spirit of not "bottling things up" (see post below 'better out than in...') or letting the proverbial heat get to me....here goes......you have been warned....


My main pain's are not with my own body although you would of thought that weight gain, hot flushes, having to be on treatment forever, constant fear of cancer returning was enough! No my main source of annoyance comes from people. Here's a list of my many people annoyances starting with the phrase people that....

• Avoid me (because they don't want to face up to my dx) this makes me feel like a leper! 
• Think that you can actually catch cancer, just to make sure and understand YOU CAN'T CATCH CANCER!
• Tell me not to talk about IT or tell anyone! (WHY? because they are scared it will happen to them! or that talking about it in someway is a self fore filling prophesy, if only it were that simple we'd all be cured!)
• Knowingly blow cigarette smoke in my face (can someone explain why you would do that to someone whom you know has lung mets!)
• Are totally insensitive/thoughtless (tell me that cancer is some sort of punishment from god, this was particularly rich considering the person concerned was an atheist also choose to tell me that little gem when I was first dx)
• Imply in some way that I was to blame for my dx (just for the record I AM NOT TOO BLAME)
• Tell me "you look really well" (this may be the case, I never looked ill before I got the dam disease and I still don't look ill now, that why its so fucking scary!)

Normal service will resume now I've got that load of shit literally off my chest. 
Thanks for listening x

Better out than in.....

A quick up date on how things are going, well the bites have disappeared thankfully just as the sun decides to make an appearance finally!!!!! The statement "it never rains and then it pours" is literally what we have been experiencing in the uk, fingers and toes crossed this weather will hold out for what is left of our pathetic summer!


The reason I'm writing today is that the old saying "better out than in..." came to mind and I am now starting to take notice of sub-conscious messages so here goes. I've been kind of ok for a while now getting on with day to day life, minding my own business and concentrating on making myself healthy and well, plenty of organic green juices and supplements being taken, exercise is a little rusty too be honest need to get my walking shoes on and get out there, I'm blaming my lack of exercise on the wet weather and I'm sticking to that lol. I've been getting on with things and not particularly depressed (which is great, I was a secret depression addict prior to dx) I have realised a few things, namely that I need to have a clear out of my emotional dirty laundry, need to get a few things off my chest and out of my system.


Before I was dx I was one of those people that would get really wound up by other peoples insensitivity, of course I am blessed with a hyper sensitive nature one of my friends used to describe me as an "emotional sponge" what she meant was that I would soak up all the emotional highs and lows of anyone in my circle, I realise this is not a very good trait mainly because it means I am overloading on everyone else's shit as well as my own and then well then somethings got to give.


Regular readers will know I have been reading Bernie Seigel's book 'Love, Medicine and Miracles' I am at the point in the book where he talks about what he's learnt as a surgeon dealing with cancer patients all day every day and that there is a common personality trait of the afflicted and that is ultra sensitive, prone to depression, and most importantly holding it all in and putting on a brave smiley face even when your dying inside, I actually caught sight of myself doing this when I was at the Dr's recently sat there smiling my face off when actually I was really feeling totally miserable and depressed, this behaviour is something I have learnt from my parents, school, work place, but basically it is now ingrained into me to act in this way rather than tell or show someone exactly what I am really feeling. Bottling it all up and not addressing the issue has gone on for far too long, I need to deal with this shit,  the bottom line is it could save my life.

Depression linked to artificial light during the night

Switching off your TV or computer before bed may help to prevent depression, new research suggests. A study on animals by researchers at the Ohio State University Medical Centre found that exposure to dim lighting at night from electronic displays and other sources may lead to mood disorders. Siberian hamsters were exposed to different light and dark conditions for four weeks. Half of the animals received a chronic dim light setting - the equivalent to having a TV on in a dark room - throughout the night. When compared with the hamsters exposed to complete darkness, those that experienced low light lacked energy, motivation and were less likely to drink their sugar water.

“The results we found in hamsters are consistent with what we know about depression in humans,” said Tracy Bedrosian, one of the authors of the study.

The findings highlighted changes in the tissue of the hippocampus which were similar to changes found in people with depression. Within a week of returning to a standard light-dark cycle, the hamsters had made a full recovery.

Researchers say that the rise in exposure to artificial light at night over the last 50 years has coincided with rising rates of depression, especially among women. Light pollution can come from electronic displays, overhead lighting in the home as well as streetlights, passing traffic and neighbouring buildings.

“The good news is that people who stay up late in front of the television and computer may be able to undo some of the harmful effects just by going back to a regular light-dark cycle and minimising their exposure to artificial light at night,” Bedrosian says. “That’s what the results we found in hamsters would suggest.” The results are published in the Molecular Psychiatry journal and the article was taken from my email news.

It has been suggested that breast cancer may be caused in someway by depression and stress, most of the women that I have spoken with who have breast cancer certainly either had a bad bout of depression or severe to moderate stress prior to diagnoses. I did write another article on lack of the hormone melatonin due to lack of sleep and the connection to nightshift workers and cancer. All of this definitely needs further research, although even if it is depression/stress how are we going to tackle it in an attempt to halt or stop someone getting cancer, its food for thought.

TV worth a watch

Worth checking out on the iPlayer is Horizon 'The truth about looking young' a link providing more details http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01lbgrp I found it very informative and interesting also had some pointers on diet which I found fascinating,  and confirmed the theory 'we are what we eat', also found that the diet presented on the programme is almost identical to the one I am on at the moment to try and make my body less acidic and more alkaline, well worth a watch.

New and now tested 'Smart Bomb' for cancer...

An article I grabbed from the news on the new and now tested 'Smart Bomb' for curing cancer.

Scientists have successfully tested a capillary "smart bomb" that simultaneously attacks cancer and boosts the immune system. The tiny hollow spheres become trapped in leaky tumour blood vessels, where they unleash an anti-cancer drug. At the same time the spheres, called nanolipogels (NLGs), release a protein that rallies the body's own defences. Researchers tested the spheres in mice on melanoma skin cancer that had spread to the lungs. Tumour growth was significantly delayed and the survival of the mice increased. The new technology overcomes a problem with cancer treatment that has been difficult to tackle using conventional therapies, say the scientists. Cancer tumours are known to secrete chemicals that confuse the immune system. But attempts to boost patient immunity while at the same time neutralising the cancer's chemical arsenal rarely work. The NLGs, described in the journal Nature Materials, package together two completely different kinds of molecule. One is designed to overcome a potent cancer defence weapon called TGF-beta, which stunts the local immune system. The other, an interleukin signalling molecule, boosts immune system activity. Researcher Dr Stephen Wrzesinski, from Yale University School of Medicine in the US, said: "One problem with current metastatic (spreading) melanoma immunotherapies is the difficulty managing autoimmune toxicities when the treatment agents are administered throughout the body. "The novel nanolipogel delivery system we used will hopefully bypass systemic toxicities while providing support to enable the body to fight off the tumour at the tumour bed itself."Each NLG is small enough to travel through the bloodstream, but large enough to get entrapped in leaky cancer blood vessels. Once trapped, they biodegrade to release their cargo.

Initial thoughts on Acupuncture

Today I went for my first ever session of acupuncture I have never tried this treatment before and was a little apprehensive (not liking needles very much) but all went well, the practitioner was a delightful lady by the name of Sam, the room was clean and comfortable and the whole experience was very positive, initially we talked about how I'd found out about my cancer and I explained a few details about it ie: ER+ herceptin etc Sam then informed me that she would be using the Tao philosophy accompanied by other astrological factors like my date of birth to ascertain where the in balance existed in my chakra's, she continued to tell me that my Chinese astrological sign was that of a Goat and that I had too much fire and not enough metal/air/water elements and that this needed to be addressed, upon examination (she took my pulse) she said my pulse was sort of looping and although on the face of things I looked well with plenty of energy she felt that this was not quite what was actually happening, my stomach she told me was very taught and I know this too be true I thought it may be bloated or extended due to the drugs but Sam thinks its more to do with my sub-concious self holding stuff in and not letting go properly, she then proceeded to place 3 needles in one on my hand and two on my foot and leg, whilst the needles were in Sam focused on giving me some healing (something I am very used to as I go for spiritual healing weekly) she left the needles in for 20 mins and then removed them.

Afterwards I felt very relaxed and calm and sam told me that she was trying to treat the problems I had outlined in our initial discussion 1) hot flushes 2) constipation 3) migraine's for this session she had focused on treating the constipation and hot flushes she recommended that I have another 2 sessions to treat the other complaints.

I would recommend anyone for this type of treatment as long as its an approved and qualified practitioner, my first impression is that I found it too be most calming and soothing, I will keep posting as to how effective it is over the next few sessions.