Spiritually turning a corner.....

Anyone that follows this blog would of know that I am a very spiritual person always have been. Since being dx with breast cancer with secondary's I have become very open to anything of an esoteric nature, I attend spiritual healing once a week after that we (myself my healer and another friend) perform psychometry* and apparently I'm quite good at it. Also I have been reading a lot so far up to about 8 different books some on beating cancer some on spiritual concerns. Most recently I have finished reading "They walk among us" by Emma Heathcote-James supposed to be an in depth study of the phenomenon of near death experiences and other such super natural occurrences, I found this book to be far too scientific with no where near enough actual renditions of peoples experiences, most of the stories were not told directly to the author, they came in via second or third hand sources. Psychic Protection by Judy hall (mainly a crystal healer and teacher) this was interesting and I have taken on board some of what she taught in this book. Others include "The Hidden Messages in Water" by Masaru Emoto which is a feast for your eyes showing lots of magnified photo's of snow flakes, just beautiful. "Your body speaks your mind" by Debbie Shapiro is a definite must for anyones book shelf (its a bit like Louise Hay "You can heal your life").  I've also bought a couple more books on Crystal Healing by Judy Hall.

I am currently in the middle of reading "Angels in my hair" by Lorna Byrne.  Lorna is basically describing her life and experiences she is a special person and has been able to see and sometimes feel angels all her life even from an early age of 2 she has seen dead peoples spirits and angels, at times it is heart breaking but I feel her words speak volumes to all of us, everyone should read this book its an eye opener, whilst reading this book each turn of a page is like turning a corner, facing up to the challenges that life presents and accepting the inevitable. I am going to list the obstacles I have managed to over come the main one and its a big one being:

1. I am not afraid to die
2. You are never alone not for one minute
3. Ask for guidance from the angel's
4. Listen to your guardian angel

also to answer any questions that might arise from these points:
1. I am not afraid to die. Question why? Answer because as Lorna see's it we simply transfer to another existence in one particular chapter of the book she described how she saw some young boys riding their bikes have a fatal accident with a truck she say's " they just carried on riding their bikes" except she actually saw them riding up towards heaven or the sky, at the point of death they did not feel any pain or suffering they quite simply just continued with what they were doing, time stood still for Lorna watching the whole event but for the boys it happened in a blink of an eye. Of course whilst this was going lorna described how she saw many angels helping the boys make the transition.

 2. You are never alone not for one minute. I have always felt this too be a true statement, we don't walk around aware that we have someone with us always but in times of strife we need to remember and draw some comfort from this.

3. Ask for guidance from the angel's Question: How do I ask? Answer: When your in deep meditation  or praying or it could be just as your drifting off too sleep, ask the for help out loud or with your mind whatever you do JUST ASK. I always feel closer to God late at night when the world is asleep thats the time I ask. The bible say's "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

4. Listen to your guardian angel Question: How do I listen? Answer: Don't necessarily expect the angels to speak to you in a human way via conversation although they could choose to whisper in your ear, late at night just as your about to drift off too sleep thats when I hear things (just before I was dx with Breast Cancer I could hear a voice sometimes male sometimes female sometimes my mothers voice saying my name out loud so loud that it would jolt me awake, I didn't realise it but they were voices of angels or my guardian angel and they were definitely warning me about the breast cancer) at other times I am shown a flash of an image or hear a sound that guides me to make a decision. Look for  other sorts of signs like maybe hearing an unusual bird song or seeing an unusual bird or wild animal, keep your eyes and ears open and question things, whats your gut feeling? thats how I define listening to an angel.

*is a form of extra sensory perception characterized by the claimed ability to make relevant associations from an object of unknown history by making physical contact with that object. Supporters assert that an object may have an energy field that transfers knowledge regarding that object's history on each other.

Yoga, lymphedema, menopause

Started back at Yoga today after a break over the half term and I really was feeling it! It really does help if you keep doing it your stamina and flexibility increase and gradually you are able to do things you would never imagine you would be able to, Yoga is really good for you and I recommend anyone who can to join a gentle form of yoga ie: Kundalini or Hatha Yoga. The bunch of ladies that are in my yoga group are so lovely and always ask me how I am, I have told them what has happened to me I decided that they needed to understand why a woman whose not that old (45) was getting so out of breath and knackered doing the exercises, now I don't get the questioning looks from them.

Good news, I think I'm losing weight, finally!!! cutting out dairy and keeping sugary treats like cakes and pastries to a minimum are working, also the yoga with a good walk at least once a week probably has something to do with it. The Clonidine that I was on for my hot flushes I stopped about 4 months ago has finally worn off, there was a multitude of side effects from it one being weight gain and fluid retention, I'm putting up with the hot flushes and actually they aren't that bad at this time of the year, also drinking more nettle tea which helps with fluid retention and I believe is helping me to release all that water, as I've been going to the toilet more often.

The lymphedema on my right hand side of my body is being moved around by the wonderful lymph nurse who gives me a special massage once every 2 weeks also my partner has learned how to do it for me so if its really bad I get him to push it around this massage always makes me want to pee more often as well. I'm no pre-cancer size 8 but at least I'm not putting anymore weight on and feeling swollen all over my tummy, I think my organs were swollen from the chemo and its taken all this time for them to go back to normal, still got a bloody tummy tho but then what menopausal woman hasn't got a tire tummy it appears to be the norm unfortunately.

My girlfriends who haven't been through menopause just don't get it, however I have warned them what is too come, the menopause is definitely not a walk in the park, hormones are so very important for a woman they govern your life you don't realise it until your not producing them anymore or in my case blocking them with drugs.

Day four of taking the beta blockers that my GP prescribed for the migraines and so far so good, don't want to say any more about that just incase I jinx it!!

Love and light to all xxxxx

Migraines doing my head in.......

Yesterday I spent the whole day in bed the cause another migraine, accompanied by the usual vomiting and nausea, didn't eat anything until about 8 at night because of the sickness makes me feel like I don't want to carry on anymore dammed fucking headache it pisses me off so much, the only thing I can do is attempt to remedy it with a cocktail of drugs starting off with Sumatriptan which failed followed by 2 paracetamol and an anti-sickness tablet the sickness tablet worked but the paracetamol was just not strong enough ended up taking 2 codeine which finally hit the spot as well as knocking me out and making me feel totally spaced out and not on this planet. At my last onc appointment it was decided that I would have an MRI scan on my head just to make sure nothing sinister was going on in the upstairs department still haven't had an appointment time for this yet.

Needed a bit of a moan about it as it is getting me down. On the upside I managed to operate normally today and am enjoying a bit of cooking so going to have some lovely healthy root veg and lentil casserole with a piece of salmon and some watercress sauce yum yum xxxxx

Tamoxifen, joint pain......

I also forgot to mention that I suffer with at times extreme joint pain in both feet and both thumbs its the searing arthritic sort of pain and mainly gets me when I first get out of bed, takes me about 10 minutes to warm up and walk properly I kind of shuffle for about 5 to 10 mins, dammed Tamoxifen makes me feel old before my time by at least 20 years! I have requested a bone density scan as a result of this not too be confused with the bone scan I had recently that was in the nuclear department of the hospital, that particular scan came back fine.

Tamoxifen argument.....I'm off.....

I didn't really want to post this today but someone has got my back up...... as usual it's about the great Tamoxifen debate it was over this very same subject that I left the BCC forum as discussions turned into heated arguments and then just plain old nastiness. Tamoxifen strikes again it would appear, now I'm not a horrible bitch and until this shit happened to me I never complained ever to explain, I joined the FB chat group because things were getting out of hand and nasty on the BCC forum, the chat group I found was brilliant and in the beginning only a handful of us using it, it was so refreshing to be able to just say what was on your mind without having to answer, explain or justify why you said this or that. Last night I jumped on a conversation about Tamoxifen some one mentioned that her BCN had told her that Tamoxifen didn't cause Osteoporosis my reply went like this "Tamoxifen good for the bones what is your BCN on??? I mean I know we are all on drugs but seriously!! My BCN is also pretty rubbish she's nice but not great I've hardly spoken to her since all this began every time I do speak to her she just say's "Ring me whenever you want for anything at all" so I ring her and say I need to swap my prosthetic boob as I've put on weight and the good boob is much larger now, so she say's oh you have to go and see your GP who then has to write a letter and then we will make an appointment for you to come in and be examined and then you might get a new prosthetic, its this sort of unbelievable nuttiness that drives me bonkers!!!! end of rant xx love to all sarah xx" to which I got this reply "Sarah tamoxifen is good for your bones and doesnt cause osteoporosis, but AIs can cause bone degeneration. infact tamoxifen and other SERMs used in postmenopausal women actually has been found to increase bone density campared to post menopausal women who are not taking tamoxifen.... im also a BCN but if you do a search on google scholar for tamoxifen and bone density research you will find that the woman in the clinic is mistaken and the professionals are actually corrent in this instance... however thats not to say your BCNs might still be numptys. :) to which I replied " thanks for your input and with respect I don't question your knowledge about this subject especially as your a BCN, I would also like to point out that the woman in the clinic is not the only person I have spoken with who blames tamoxifen for getting osteoporosis, both women were very young when they developed it and I'm wondering if age and menopausal stage have anything to do with it? I found this information on Tamoxifen and posted it as a new document at the top if anyone is interested. For the record my BCN has not been 'there' for me through this I blame both the bureaucratic policy's she has to follow and the fact that she is massively over stretched with far too many patients." to which I got this reply its the last sentence that really annoys the fuck out of me 
"you might find these useful....http://www.mhra.gov.uk/home/groups/l-unit1/documents/websiteresources/con2032892.pdf from 2007 says one brief line that tamox does not affect bone density.... and this is from the MRHA in 2012.... doesnt mention it at all.... http://www.mhra.gov.uk/home/groups/par/documents/websiteresources/con152698.pdf somebody blaming tamoxifen and tamoxifen actually being the cause are two completely different things.... people are often looking for causes but there is no evidence that support your theory just some people who may have got osteoporosis anyway or possibly even earlier had they not been on tamoxifen.... there have been hundreds of studies on this and nothing to show any relation to BMD. in letrozole and other AIs there is a know causative link.... not wanting to argue but posting a document of somebodies opinions is not the same as the hunderds of research papers indicating no link".

Well sorry for breathing saying "not wanting to argue" was in my opinion very antagonistic and put a squash on anything else I might of wanted to say and a deliberate put down and shut up kind of comment, the chat group is on Facebook it is not monitored and therefore is supposed to be a free space where we can all voice our opinions and views without any fear of repercussion this has now changed and I've left the chat group and don't want anything more to do with it.

Just to put you all in the picture since starting the dreaded Tamoxifen I have put on over 2 and a half stone according to a few doctors and nurses at the hospital Tamoxifen is not to blame but then my onc and another nurse told me it was the fucking tamoxifen so you see all the information you get is totally conflicting and I don't care what some fucking medical statistic company says about this or that I listen to real people that a) I've spoken with and b) my own research personally I believe she was only getting angry because I slated a fellow BCN colleague and I have a horrible feeling I've already had a run in with this woman on the BCC forum as her name and avatar are the same of course she could be an internet troll in which case go fuck yourself. I didn't ask for her opinion on my opinion and I was not telling somebody else what to think they can think for themselves, I have a right to my opinion and I'm sticking with it I really don't give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks, I would never pull someone else up on such a sensitive issue she has in my opinion ruined the chat group for me and for that matter for everyone else because now none of us are allowed to voice an opinion for fear of being scollded. There is no right or wrong I was only voicing a view and being open to which end I feel like I don't belong in the chat group that has supported me and in turn where I have supported others in a similar position. Its a shame because I've been quite involved with it and was doing some stuff for the SBC website. Oh well back to dealing with this shit on my own without any external support.

Thank god for my blog where I can voice whatever I want without any fears.

Anyone who I added as a friend on FB I can still communicate with and will do so by private message only, like I said its not everyone in the group just one person.

Food glorious food......

I wanted to share a couple of great wholesome and healthy recipes with you that are absolutely delicious, enjoy x

Root Veg and Red Lentil Casserole
Clove of garlic finely diced

1 onion red or white diced

1 tablespoon of olive oil (for cooking)

1 teaspoon of turmeric powder

1 teaspoon of paprika powder

Handful of frozen organic peas

1 large carrot chopped

1 large parsnip chopped

1 turnip chopped

1 butternut squash chopped

Fresh Rosemary to taste

Fresh Basil to taste

Fresh Parsley to taste

Fresh Thyme to taste

Healthy squeeze of tomato puree

1 cup of organic red lentils

1 1/2 pint of vege stock

Heat oil in large casserole or pan, add onion, garlic, turmeric, paprika and sweat down taking care not to burn when soft add chopped root veg and continue to cook for about 5 mins then add the stock bring to a simmer and leave for about 15 minutes  add the red lentils for the last 25 minutes of cooking and add the fresh herbs in the last 15 minutes of cooking, add a squeeze of tomato puree throughout cooking and season with Tibetan pink crystal salt and peppercorns ground to taste. When casserole has thickened (red lentils are cooked) serve and enjoy. You could accompany this with garlic potatoes or with my next recipe of Cauliflower and Peanut Dressing.

Root Veg and Red Lentil Casserole

SIDE DISHES

Cauliflower and Peanut Salad Dressing

Cold pressed either Flax or Olive Oil

Organic Cider Vinegar

Turmeric 

Whole and English mustard

Organic Honey

Organic Wholegrain smooth Peanut butter

Mix all ingredients together in a jar with a lid then mix until smooth runny consistency desirable for a dressing, pour liberally over chopped uncooked cauliflower and leave for about 20 minutes, should be crunchy it tastes delicious.

Cauliflower with Peanut Dressing

Salt.... which colour are you?

You are what you eat apparently I believe this is to be very true, I have changed almost everything about my life including the tiny details by this I mean looking into everything including the use of Salt. I go to quite a number of different health food shops and they all sell Himalayan Pink Crystal Salt. I found this excellent link explaining the differences between normal table salt and the pink stuff. Personally I use the pink stuff or natural organic cornish sea salt. http://www.mypinkmountain.com/HIMALAYAN_PINK_SALT/Table_Salt_v_Himalayan_Salt.html

Oncologist appointments and a Head Scan...

Firstly I would like to get my most recent moan out of the way, last friday I went for my 3 monthly onc appointment, I waited for an unprecedented 3 hours!!!! when I did finally get into see the onc it wasn't my onc. it was another onc. and he hadn't had time to read through my notes so I had too relay my whole sad and sorry tale all over again, annoyed and upset I left not feeling very confident about my team or the hospital.

Some readers will already know about my struggle with the monthly migraines that I used to suffer, I say used to suffer because unfortunately they have now turned into twice weekly occurrences, this is just two to many migraines so at my oncologist appointment informed them of the headaches and now am awaiting an appointment time for a MRI of my head, I am pleased about this mainly because every time I get a headache I tend too think that there is something more sinister going on this only exasperates the headaches even more, I need some closure on the migraine situation and an MRI is probably a good way too go.

After writing all of the above I have now found out why my own oncologist was unable to see he has been fighting his own battle with Liver Cancer for the past 6 months, this was news to me no one at the hospital has told me of this I found out this morning from the nurse that gives me Herceptin at home, too say I was shocked is an understatement I feel for my poor prof and wish him well, this news has decided me, I am definitely going to change hospitals as the oncologist I saw on Friday was in fact his replacement and whilst I appreciate how busy the new prof is and I don't doubt his abilities or his skill I feel that the oncology dept at my hospital is now very over subscribed this is part of the problem so many people needing treatment and appointments and not enough Dr's or staff. So as we are looking to move up to Somerset anyway and have decided to change hospitals and with it the team to the highly recommended Taunton Hospital apparently it has a new specially built cancer unit and I've found out I can still have Herceptin at home.

The Kris Carr Story.......

A link to a short film by and about the author and cancer survivor Kris Carr its interesting and packed with information that anyone who is fighting cancer will find uplifting and inspirational enjoy xxx http://youtu.be/e2iPurl324Q

RIP Linda and Caron.....

Ever since my dx and right up until now there are a few things I've tried to avoid namely reading the stories of high profile celebrity's who fought and lost the battle against breast cancer, they are Caron Keating and Linda McCartney. To be honest with you I was afraid to read their stories and didn't want anything negative to affect me, however whilst channel hoping on the TV yesterday I came across a film 'The Linda McCartney Story' I sat glued to the screen I watched, got angry then cried and acknowledged her life and death. Afterwards and this morning I feel different in a sort of weird way I think I needed to learn about Linda and how she had coped with breast cancer. Part of the reason why I didn't want to know about her story before was because Linda was and had been a vegetarian she lived a healthy lifestyle and was able to afford the very best not only in general living but in treatments for her disease, similarly was the Caron Keating story another rich healthy, young vibrant woman taken to soon by this evil disease. I suppose looking into there lives and deaths I have sort of exercised a demon, certainly a deeply held fear, I am not afraid of death (when your not here you don't suffer, its those that are left behind that feel sadness and grief) its the process of dying that I'm in fear of,  will I be in pain? will it be quick? who will look after Lee and the cats? sounds ridiculous when you write it down but these thoughts have occupied my mind on and off ever since I was dx nearly 2 years ago (2 years on March the 11th). I don't accept that I'm dying, I am however living and breathing, I'm still in a stable condition with hardly any symptoms this I am eternally grateful for.

In homage to Linda and Caron today I'm going paint like I've never painted before, like its the last painting I will ever do. RIP Linda and Caron.

Love and light Sarah xxx


Link to Linda's Story http://www.wingspan.ru/bookseng/linda/17.html
Link to Carons's Story http://realityandbiscuits.blogspot.co.uk/2011/03/caron-keating.html

Rewind back.....U Turn....

So I've made a sort of U turn on the advice that the Kinesiologist told me (see previous post) not because I don't believe in it but because I have a greater intuition on myself and my body since being dx with breast cancer and something was telling me that I still needed the evening primrose capsules and all the other products she advised against. I feel good, other people say I look healthy so I've decided on the 'if it ain't broke why fix it?' approach a few of the things she recommended like taking Vit B complex with magnesium and Milk Thistle drops I've already gone out and bought and have started taking them I've stopped taking Vit B12 (because the B complex has it in) and co-enzyme Q10 because I'm not on chemo anymore and feel my nerves are doing fine at the moment, also was not sure that the Sea Kelp or the Biotin was doing me any good so stopped taking them, I still take quite a lot of supplements and whilst it's good to take advice and get another perspective on the situation its also good to take note of your own intuition. I would also like to add at £50 quid a visit I quite simply cannot afford to keep going to her and would like to try other complementary treatments like going to a nutritionist.