Newquay and a new life.....

Apologies for not posting recently but after Fran's passing I just couldn't face anything to do with breast  cancer and dipped off the scene for a while.

MRI still no conclusive results and I've phoned them still no answers as soon as I have the results I will post and hopefully start the process of changing hospitals to Taunton.

My partner who has been out of work for quite some time has finally landed a nice big fat job its over in Newquay a private holiday home, converting a garage into a bedroom and adding an extra utility room on, so finally after this job is finished we should be in a position financially to move yay!!! Some of you might be thinking "why does she want to leave the gorgeous South Devon coastline?" in answer to that its because seriously there is no opportunity down here, no jobs or prospects we live a hand to mouth existence and I've lived this way for a very long time (9 years!!), also I want to be nearer my friends and family who at present are 100 miles away up near Bristol its not that far away but its far enough to only go up every couple of months especially when you have no spare cash, so as much as I know its going to be a wrench to move and I'm sure I will feel torn in two over it I think ultimately it will be better for both of us. Lee will have more work and I'm thinking of returning to college for a year to do teacher training something I don't think we would be able to afford to do down here, so its all change for me, but its good and positive. The job over in Newquay will take around 3 months to complete and we will be operating between the two places over the summer, this I am looking forward to as I can have a nice change of scenery and do some more painting, lets hope its a hot and sunny summer.

The downside of all of this is that I don't think I will be posting as often or frequently as I have been, so please don't think the worst if I don't post for a while.

Another light on in heaven....

This is the fourth woman whom I was following and had a few online conversations with who I've just found out passed away last Monday. I hate this fucking disease, it just keeps getting harder and harder. First it was Ellie, then Lisa, closely followed by Laurie and now Fran all were way too young to die, all of them tried everything they could and unfortunately all have now passed away. I kept checking Frans blog site http://francescap79.tumblr.com/page/2 and couldn't help but think the worst when she hadn't posted for such a long time. Me and Fran shared the same in that we both had lung mets, this has really knocked me for six, such terrible news RIP Fran, god bless you.

The great soy v ER+ breast cancer debate......

I've finally found an article relating directly to the great soy v breast cancer debate. Whenever you bring this subject up on the BCC forum you always seem to get a heated debate, I for one certainly don't care for heated debates on this particular subject I also don't care for arguments on whether or not tamoxifen causes weight gain. Back to the original point I've found an article which has a little more in the way of proof that soy v breast cancer especially ER+ variety has no links in so far as they have found eating soy whilst having ER+ breast cancer doesn't necessarily mean your going to either have a reoccurrence or that you are promoting possible spread.  I do eat some soy occasionally and personally I don't believe it does contribute to spread or reoccurrence, everything in moderation. So here it is http://www.todaysdietitian.com/newarchives/040113p30.shtml.

Estrogen madness and migraines.....

I spoke too soon, the dreaded migraines are back.... what a bummer!
I'm still taking the beta blockers and I've increased the dosage but I still suffered with an almighty migraine yesterday and spent the whole day in bed on a concoction of drugs including and starting with Paracetamol that didn't touch it so I tried 2 Co Codamol, they took the edge off of it but only for about an hour so after 3 hours I decided to take a Sumatriptan this finally got rid of it. I am trying not to take the Sumatriptan as it can cause more headaches the more you take it, a kind of catch 22 effect. Anyway feel ok today albeit a bit frazzled around the edges but at least I can get out of bed and get on with living.

I came across this on face book and found it interesting when I went through the list I realised I had and continue to have a lot of the symptoms listed, wish I'd found this before I got cancer it may have given me an indication of what was wrong with me. I used to suffer with migraines before I got cancer and whilst going through chemo etc the headaches stopped but they seem to be creeping back and unfortunately they are worse than pre cancer migraines. I wake up with them and feel instantly sick sometimes I am actually physically sick.

MRI results.... or not.....

After a brilliant couple of days up in London I landed back in reality with a hard bump as I had an onc appointment the next day it was supposed to be a follow up of my latest MRI scan on my head and a blood test. After waiting for what seemed like an age actually was an hour, the very nice chinese registrar called Kevin informed me that the radiologist hadn't written a report yet!!! which is completely bonkers as I had the scan about a month ago which is plenty of time for them to do the report understandably I was annoyed, Kevin then informed me that my new consultant and himself has looked at the scan and they couldn't see anything sinister on it at this point I started to breath again BUT they are not radiographers so I still have to await the written report so I'm not out of the woods yet!! I'm too phone up the  hospital if I don't hear back from them in the next 2 weeks. The results of the blood test to determine my menopausal status were inconclusive and he said I was peri-menopausal which is a load of bullshit because I'm definitely in menopause I am living in hot flush central and haven't had a period since all the chemo started back in April 201 and have a nice thick tire wedge of weight around my middle (first time in my life), so that was a complete waste of time. To top it all I'm still having the dame bloody headaches which is why I had a MRI scan in the beginning. Deep breath.......count to 10 and ..... breathe.

Arty trip to London......

Just got back from a 2 day trip up to the big smoke and for once it was a real pleasure, we drove right up to the front of the RA (Royal Academy) found a car parking space!!!! and I was able to casually walk my painting in to the processing room for submission all over within the space of 10 mins brilliant. Afterwards we had an appointment at Christies Auction house (my friend who came up to London with us has a painting that turns out to be an original Edward Lear and is worth a fortune! crickey!!) he's left the painting with Christies for conservation purposes and looks like its going to auction in June, it was so fascinating and we also had a good look round their galleries taking in Andy Warhols, Turners etc like ya do!!! lol. All in all a thoroughly great day out in London one of the best ever and very arty too.
Back to reality now with a bump, tomorrow I have an appointment at the hospital with the results of my blood test (to see whether or not I'm through the menopause) and my MRI too check I have nothing sinister going on in my head because of all the migraines, so gulp!! here goes back to biting my nails and horrendous intense worry, its all part of the cancer territory I suppose, I pray too god that its all ok.

Back to Buckfastleigh........

I posted a little over a year ago about dropping into Buckfast Abbey after a particularly fraught session of radiotherapy and on entering the actual Abbey was over come with emotion and tears, I later found out via a vicar friend of mine that what I was experiencing was to do with the fact that I was in a holy place or as the celtic peoples called it 'thin places' a place where heaven and earth overlap because of this particularly sensitive people like myself are moved to tears with sheer emotion, on this visit I am happy to report a much happier me and no more tears, the Abbey is a special place but I take the lack of emotion or tears as a good sign of my own strength and healing, I lit a candle and said a prayer for our recent loses ie: Laurie and Lisa god bless them, and I wrote out a message to the monks asking them to continue to pray for myself and all others affected by this disease. When I left the Abbey the sun had come out and it truly feels like spring albeit a little bit late.

Other things have been happening, I've started painting again, this is a big positive as I thought I'd never paint again, I am currently painting my contribution to the Royal Academy in submission for the Summer Show 2013 its the first time I've ever entered.

I woke up this morning and had a prophetic dream in so far as I could remember it word for word and I had a message from an old friend weirdly enough a friend that I associate with horses and today is....Grand National Day.... so in the spirit of nothing ventured nothing gained I've put a couple of bets on, see if my prediction will come true, if nothing else it adds a bit of excitement.

Regular readers will know that I've been looking to move this has proved to be very difficult as basically I am without a job (made redundant then got breast cancer) and my partner was made redundant so we are skint and currently living on benefits (which is very hard) I have done some work from home but its never enough, in order to move we need about 2 grand (we rent) I've tried selling everything, my partner has picked up bits of work but nothing concrete and permanent, luckily we did have one asset worth a thousand pounds and this has now sold today, so we have a grand towards the big move. I'm hoping that things will carry on improving and we will continue on this lucky streak, we deserve some good luck.

Finally they have left...

Oh the joy!! no more scowling looks, or nicey nicey to your face then slagging you off behind your back, yep you guessed it they have finally gone! Yipeeee. Didn't even say goodbye, obviously it was a mutual discord. So I've smudge sticked the flat with white sage and then gridded it with the powerful and protective smokey quartz (one crystal in each corner of the flat). So hopefully that will be the end of the horrible neighbours, the place feels lighter and happier already.

In other news feeling elated and relieved now they've gone, I've just painted my piece for entry into this years Royal Academy Summer Exhibition its the first time I've entered such a prestigious exhibition but I figured you got to be in it too win it and I think you have to go for it at least one time in your life, so fingers and toes crossed its accepted and hung that alone would be such an honour and could potentially provide a lot more exposure and opportunities.

Swearing Alert.......and.......Spring is finally here...

Warning severe swearing alert.
A totally gorgeous day of full on sunshine, thoroughly enjoyed it and secretly revelled in the fact that the horrible neighbours that live in the downstairs flat have moved out, its taken them 4 days but at last..... they have departed......thank fuck for that. They were the worst neighbours we have ever had in the 8 years we have been living in this flat, they moaned and whinged constantly to the landlords who in turn wrote nasty spiteful letters venting there disgust at what the OAP's downstairs had complained about, started off with where we parked our car, then it moved onto a moan about our old car being parked outside our garage or the fact that I had not done the rockery for a long time she actually said too me " we have too look at it" to which I replied well why don't you do the rockery for a change I've done it for 8 fucking years and I'm not feeling up to it at the moment, still feeling the effects of all the drugs I've been on and continue to take for this breast cancer shit, then she went onto to state "you've finished all your treatment" what a fucking bitch!!! none of her business and I told her for the record I hadn't finished my treatment I was going to be on it indefinitely, her response was to walk off with no comment. So its a big flipping hurrah from me, that they are going going gone!!! Yipeee.

This does however beautifully illustrate other peoples reaction to breast cancer, I didn't tell her what had happened to me but someone must of said something, she then went onto assume that I was all cured and better now that I'd finished my treatment!!!! This sort of retort is annoying to say the least, people tend to assume that all breast cancer is treatable and after some treatment you are cured, they don't get it that there are 10 sub-groups of this shit and everyone has too be given a tailor made treatment plan because we aren't all the same. I think because I look ok that everyone wrongly assumes that I am over it, I am not fucking over it I never will be over it, its still the first thing I think upon waking in the morning, I work very hard at trying to put it to the back of my brain bearing in mind we are talking of the same brain that was put through an MRI scan last week for suspected brain mets, this is my reality this is what I live with daily there is no let up, it just goes on and on. I stay as positive as possible, I pray and give thanks daily for life and living, I attend spiritual healers and I look after myself as much as possible, all it takes is for one stupid thoughtless insensitive comment and I'm right back at square one again, feeling angry, annoyed, upset, frightened and generally terrified, I think you get the picture.  No one knows what its like to live with cancer until your up close and personal with it you really can't know what its like unless your in the same position.

You might think from reading this blog that I am obsessed with this breast cancer shit, quite honestly I'm pretty good with it, I don't tell everyone about it, I don't talk about it daily (only on this blog) and I try my hardest to see some good in being dealt a bad card.

Whilst receiving spiritual healing the other day my healer told me she had received a message from 'the other side' in answer to my question, I said " I didn't ask you any questions" she said " probably a sub-concious question" the question was "why me?" the answer was she said an image of strands of DNA. To which she told me it was already written in my DNA why I got cancer, it was a freak of nature that I had developed breast cancer, she also told me it had nothing to do with my smoking as a younger woman or eating red meat, quite simply my blueprint was fucked from the start. Its taking me a while to digest this information and I'm still working on it mentally, will post when I've had more time to decipher it.