Wednesday 25 November 2015

Thyroid Test

Up early and waiting in anticipation of my second Thyroid test, last time I had the test it was 3 months ago and it showed that my the Thyroid was under active and that my cholesterol off the scale, I was told that normally we would wait for a period of 3 months and re-test to make sure that it wasn't a a random reading the first time round. I am secretly hoping that it shows my Thyroid is still under active as it would certainly explain all the depressing symptoms like not being able to loose weight no matter what you do or eat! loads of headaches, high cholesterol, blurry eyes these are just some of the symptoms that I have suffered and continue to suffer on a daily basis so as you can see it would be in my best interest if it did prove that my Thyroid wasn't working properly at least then they can administer some drugs that might help. I highlighted the word normally because I would of thought due to all the drugs I've been on and the treatments I've had you couldn't really class me as a normal patient! Prior to getting ill I never had anything wrong with my Thyroid or any other part of my body, my file at the doc's was wafer thin and they never needed to see me about anything then this shit storm hits me and I get every thing under the sun and I end up with a file the size of the old style yellow pages! Its a simple blood test but it could change my life over night again! this time lets hope for the better.

Thursday 19 November 2015

Zoldadex

So, last time I had the dreaded Zoladex shot it was back in August the reason was because my poor old ovaries had decided to kick start themselves back in to action with a period which after 4 years of a no show was a massive shock to the system.  The drug worked marvellously at stopping them from pumping out the dammed bad oestrogen, but the side effects were not very nice again more fucking weight gain...... so I decided not to go back for the 3 monthly shot and just play it by ear, see if my periods returned and so far so good until earlier this week when I had a nervous breakdown, shit the fuckers are working again..... back to the dammed drugs and the super massive needle poked into my stomach, having the shot next week and hopefully the sooner the better. Oestrogen is totally bad for me not just because of the cancer but because it affects me in such a negative way making me very sad, snappy, angry, raging, bitch, depressed, suicidal amongst other things so back on the drugs and can't wait for it, at least once I've had the shot I will feel less agressive about life and everything.

Tuesday 3 November 2015

Milestone's and moments.......

Tomorrow I turn 48 and wow hasn't my 40's flown!, so much crammed into 8 years. I had just turned 43 when first dx with both primary and secondary breast its nearly a whooping 5 years since this shit storm started. At that time I was looking at a possible extension of 5 years to my life well that milestone is nearly reached and I don't want to stop, I want to continue and reach another 5 and another 5 and another 5 maybe I could reach old age, most people expect to live to a ripe old age they never contemplate whether they will or not they just expect it. When people say to me "well you could get run over by a bus" this statement is such a cop out, it infuriates me,  it is true that no one knows when they are going to die and yes its true that anyone could be knocked over by a bus and killed BUT that doesn't make living with the knowledge that you have had and are still living with cancer any easier, I reckon I know what number bus is going to hit me I just don't know exactly when perhaps it would be easier for them if I could tell them the time and date of my expiry!! people who aren't walking around with cancer don't have such thoughts about death and dying because they are living in IGNORANT BLISS they do not understand what I and others in my shoes are going through and can never imagine the daily torment of living with this vile disease. Everyday is a milestone every minute is a blessing and a confirmation is living in the moment.

When you truly live in the moment you don't look too far ahead into the future if your thinking about tomorrow today then your not living in the moment. Its not easy to live in the moment the best way to try to obtain this perfect status is to meditate for at least 20 min a day, I am currently registered to listen for free to Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey 21 meditation here's a link https://chopracentermeditation.com/ its a 21 day meditation programme guided by Deepak Chopra (not sure why Oprah Winfrey is in on it probably to do with sales!) Deepak is an excellent forward thinker extremely clever, and his philosophy on life is refreshing and complete. I find his voice extremely comforting and I always manage to go into that relaxed state of being. This really helps you to live in the moment and enjoy the here and now. I can't recommend it enough. The 21 day sessions one for each day have just started and are free after which you have to buy the cd or pop onto youtube where you might find some of his earlier guided meditations. It will give you a good solid base to develop your 'living in the moment' state of being.

I'm going away for my birthday seeing old friends and family spending a few days away from the flat which is quite a good thing, I am feeling a bit down at the moment probably to do with these stupid milestones but also because even though I love our flat and its location we have lived here for 12 years I am starting to think we need to move on, start a fresh, and create new memories in a different space, somewhere that isn't tainted with cancer. So much has happened in this flat and to be honest with you not all that good, redundancy, death, depression, struggle and finally cancer have all shaped our existence living in what most people consider to be paradise, its left an indelible mark on our lives and where we live. So going away is a good thing, I am hoping to return with less confusion over this issue.

My new take on that Happy Birthday Song is

Happy Birthday to me
Cancer's not gonna get me
Happy Birthday Sarah the Survivor
Happy Birthday to me


Wednesday 28 October 2015

Fatty Liver anyone?

So, been looking at my CT scan reports as so often it takes time to come down off the euphoric response to a clean good scan result and then to gradually digest the medical wank. Medical wank is my term for there usage of words in describing the observations of the scan. So what the fuck does "generalised hepatic steatosis" actually mean well in short it means I have a nonalcoholic fatty liver. I actually don't drink never really did even before I was dx so it is by no means anything to do with alcohol. How does this affect me well I don't really know but I found out that it was probably caused by Tamoxifen here's a link to an article explaining the connection http://livertox.nih.gov/Tamoxifen.htm  ok so I am hoping you've read that link and now understand why Tamoxifen would affect your liver. My burning question is why don't they mention this when they prescribing the stuff? urghhhhhhhh makes me so bloody angry, we should be informed about the side effects including fucking up your liver prior to taking the stuff. Tamoxifen strikes again....... of course being obese due to the dammed drug also contributes to guess what? you've guessed it 'fatty liver'. Going to look further I know Milk Thistle is excellent as is Dandelion for the Liver so I will be uping my intake of those 2 and looking into other Liver helping alternatives. I am so glad I don't take Tamoxifen anymore.

Friday 23 October 2015

A new ache........

Hi all,

Its been a while since I posted I've been busy with art stuff all good and very exciting I am terribly happy about it BUT as per usual something is nagging me...... its an ache and its in my hip bone WTF is it! could just be natural deterioration of a unnaturally chemo aged body or is it a sign of something else? Only one way to find out and thats a visit to the doctors and a bone scan urghhhhhhhh.....FFS!!

Its not just an ache when I lie on that side in bed it hurts a dull deep ache, I know that on a couple of my CT scan reports there was some discussion "There is a well defined area of sclerosis in the right SI joint" and in the most up to date report that I have a copy of it detailed again as "Sclerosis adjacent to the right SI joint which is static. Ummmmm so it appears there is something in that area that is causing me pain some sort of degradation of tissue the pain is similar to the dammed tennis elbow which I am suffering in my right elbow but in the hip area so could be arthritic. Any way back to the Doc's with this one. Just when everything seems to be going right this turns up......its not going to dampen my exciting developments with my art works and the fact a major publishing house has offered me a contract. YAY..... happy dance..... ouch!!!!! better tone down the hip swinging on the right hand side lol.

Seriously though it is a bummer every ache and pain has the potential to be something sinister cancer related, certainly something to add a dose of terror into daily life, every time you wonder is this it? what is that? and WHY THE FUCK ME? every time........

People say " I could get knocked down by a bus or crash my car" trying to put a sort of semblance of normality into the situation, it doesn't matter how many ways you look at it and from what angle its still terrifying knowing you had cancer that it did spread and that it could always pop up its ugly little head whenever it feels like it for no apparent reason, its like having a noose wrapped round your neck all the time waiting for it to tighten, holding your breath, something I apparently do quite a lot in my sleep, holding my breath a sure sign of latent anxiety lurking in the background. Anyway not gonna let it get me down today got too much creativity in me now need to go paint and listen to A-ha and the drop dead gorgeous Morten Harket singing "Summer moved on"

Saturday 10 October 2015

5:2, jucing, Atkins combined diet

Hi all,
So, the weight is kind of stubborn ie: been following the self imposed no carbs, sugar, dairy diet for got to of been 8 or 9 weeks now and initially lost half a stone then a lot slower another half a stone then it stopped coming off so have decided I need to impose more restrictions in my diet and looked at the 5:2 diet this is the one where you eat normally for 5 days and on 2 days a week only eat 500 calories per day so in  my case I'm going to continue with the no carbs, dairy, sugar etc but on 2 days a week I'm going to only drink juice. Apart from the obvious ie: weight loss the reason I am doing this is to make sure I am getting the green stuff at least for 2 days a week. I've sort of dropped off the juicing wagon for a while mainly because I was pretty sick and tired of putting on loads of flipping weight and also because I just couldn't be bothered with the phaff of doing it. I had been juicing for 3 years solid every day without fail taking supplements and drinking pints of it and got to the point where I was very bored and pissed off with it. So, as of next week I am going to be adjusting my diet to include juice and eat nothing other than drink juice on those 2 days a week. We will see if the weight starts to drop off then its working if not then to put it bluntly I'm fucked!!!!! cause basically I would of tried all within my power to loose weight the only conclusion I will be forced to come to is that its an under active thyroid causing the problem. Which reminds me I will be going back for a thyroid scan on the 1st of Nov as it will of been 3 months since doing the last test which showed my thyroid function wasn't working but due to there protocol I have to wait 3 months to be re-tested to make sure it wasn't just a glitch first time round. Shit isn't it?

Friday 25 September 2015

Heart warming, dismal September.... "because life's not a fairytale"

September has to be the best month this year so far of course May was pretty amazeballs as well due to the exhibition. From the start to the end of this month I've been blessed. Surrounded by exciting visitors, then going on holiday visiting Weston and the Banksy exhibit then on to Center Parc's which was absolutely fabulous.

Banksy is the best. The exhibition is fabulous at bringing to attention the sicko society that we are all a part of.. Sarcasm rules at this non- fun park with stupid people buying balloons that said "I am an imbecile" WTF! I mean they actually paid good money for that balloon and paraded it around like it was a trophy!!!! Most of the exhibits address pressing social issues like the immigrant crisis where model remote control boats full of immigrants are forever going round and round not being able to stop anywhere. The most poignant for me was the fairy tale castle as you walk inside you are asked by the stroppy attendants "do you want a photo?" as I am not into having my photo taken at all I refused but plenty of others queued up to have a snap as you walk into the castle you are thrown into pitch darkness the sound of a million cameras clicking in front of Cinderella's carriage which has crashed with Cinderella hanging out of it, I was told by the assistant to stand in a particular spot to take the photo's and realised just how utterly awful the scene was obviously it was pointing to Lady Diana's untimely end at the hands of the paparazzi for a minute or two I stood feeling like Lady Di might have been feeling it made me feel extremely emotional and at a loss as to why humanity has decided to treat certain people in this way literally loved to death, hounded by photographers. This is how we society treats our fairytale princess. On the way out of the castle the people who had had there photograph taken were asked to queue again to my horror there faces were superimposed onto that of the paparazzi taking the shots of the dead princess this sealed my earlier thoughts on this exhibit. My favourite was the image of Mickey Mouse with the words "because life's not a fairytale" this resonated with me on so many levels. I did kind of enjoy Dismaland some of it was funny like the grim reaper sat in a bumper car going round to the sound of "Staying Alive" by the Bee Gees and the stroppy assistants who kept up the misery from the moment we went in. Dismaland is not for the faint hearted but certainly strikes a chord.


7 old friends at Center Parc's we'd booked it ages ago to celebrate one of the girls 50th birthday not sure what to expect and thinking it was more suited to sporty types I went along with some trepidation how wrong can you be! It was bloody marvellous our wooden lodge was neatly nestled in a massive pine tree forest that in itself was awesome. The lodge was fantastic all bedrooms were really clean and smart with en-suite power showers we also had a games room including pool table and brand new Xbox , a sauna, outside table and chairs with a bar-b-que and shower. The weekend was spent lounging around in the lodge or swimming in the wonderful water park where the water was hot inside and outside open to 9pm at night so floating around in warm water watching the stars was the order of the day. Of course there are plenty of other activities however, we all decided that as middle aged woman we wouldn't be taking part other than to lift a latte or down a bit of choccy cake (diet was temporarily off over the weekend) just chatting with old friends who have known me both before and after cancer was therapeutic making me realise how lucky I am to have such great friends who care and comfort me even if they don't realise the effect they are having on me just by being there being normal and talking as if nothing was ever wrong was such a tonic. Occasionally over the weekend cancer did raise its ugly head mainly when I walked into the pool for a swim (more like a float lol) obviously a one breasted woman stands out and at times I was feeling like the only woman/man in there whose had this bastard of a disease others probably hide it whereas the prosthetic which is so very uncomfortable is not an option for me. The warm water did wonders for me once in the pool I looked just like very one else and could float about looking up at the stars in a flood lit pool surrounded by good friends and fairy lights. Center Parc's is not cheap its kind of like the posher Butlins only much much better with no corny entertainment. Considering this is the first holiday since being dx I think I deserved to lounge around and feel great. Highly recommend this to anyone who needs quality time with people they love in different surroundings and the luxury of a first class stay.

Saturday 5 September 2015

Reached a milestone

 I've lost a whole stone and what a relief, feeling better already able to move around instead of waddle its definitely to do with the no carb diet but also been swimming in the sea now that I don't feel so out of breath with the weight I am able to move around and do exercise so all is good at the moment.

Also been back for my third session of counselling she feels the weight loss is the trigger for my lighter mood "ya don't say"!!!!! doesn't take a rocket scientist to work that out. Feeling a lot happier and healthier because I feel more like my old self and its not all to do with looks or being stick thin its how you move around its the breathing difficulties added to the fact that my natural body type is a thin size 8! It stands to reason a size 8 person made size 18 in a very short space of time is going to experience some form of discomfort isn't it?

Anyway booked an appointment to see her at the end of September to check I'm doing ok and will remember to ask her about the post traumatic stuff.

Tuesday 18 August 2015

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder PTSD

I've stumbled upon the above phrase PTSD something I didn't think applied to me but as it would happen it does, here's an article explaining why it affects cancer survivors and the symptoms the later of which I can say I have all of the symptoms and have had for along time. This was something I thought the counsellor would pick up on but as per usual I've done some digging around and found this. I would urge any cancer patient/survivor/fighter to read this article its answered some of my questions and helped me understand why I have been so depressed and suicidal.

http://blog.thebreastcancersite.com/cs-ptsd-is-real/?utm_source=bcs-bcaware&utm_medium=social-fb&utm_term=081815&utm_content=link&utm_campaign=cs-ptsd-is-real&origin=


I tick all the  boxes with the symptoms for this particular disorder and will be bringing it up at my next session with the counsellor.

Sunday 16 August 2015

Second Session and a new diet.....

Hello all,

My second counselling session complete and I'm feeling a lot better not so sure its because of the counselling could be more do to with the new diet I am currently trying out. More on that in the next chapter. The bottom line is I'm not very happy with my appearance this makes me sound very shallow doesn't it? but and its a big one I'm not vain or shallow, before all of this shit hit me I was a healthy 9 stone women who hardly ever looked in the mirror or put make up on not bothered with how I looked because I was happy in my skin I wasn't exactly a super model but I was happy then this shit storm arrived and took my breast, all my confidence, my body image, and threatened my very existence. I've successfully fought this mother fucker with true grit and after all that I'm left permanently feeling like a beached whale! The counsellor suggested that I simply learn to live myself the new me but this just isn't an option, so she referred me to the dietician whom I am seeing in September and sent me away with some homework I need to write a list of  a) my best qualities and b) my achievements when she asked me these two questions I found it hard to reply my first response was under 'qualities' "Creative Expression" being an artist/designer this is a fundamental part of who Sarah actually is, it makes me who I am and has formed my life thus far, how you conduct your life, being creative and pursuing art from an early age has been a catalyst in my life from my choice of friends down to the picture I present to the world. I am going to ponder on the other qualities I might have excluding the stereo typical responses that the counsellor doesn't want ie: that I am compassionate, loving, caring etc. I will continue to write down my response to these questions and others on this blog its very interesting and something I've never engaged in before.



New diet basically its the Atkins diet lo-carb's or no-carb's eating mainly organic meat including fish and shell food, eggs, salads, vegetables, snacking on fruit nuts and seeds. No sweet stuff or high carbs at all ie: no cakes, pastries, crisps, chocolate, bread, white potatoes, pasta (unless its soba noodles, buckwheat) free from all gluten and additives. Started it last Saturday and blimey! I've already started to loose weight!!!! You'd of thought I was gorging myself on all the bad things before but actually I wasn't just eating normally. I think the biggest change is bread, completely cutting it out is making a massive difference, I'm not so bloated and when I look down on my body I'm not faced with the gigantic stomach that I had become accustomed to ok so its not flat yet! but its not as bloated or tight feeling. A big THANK FUCK FOR THAT amen to a carb less diet. I've yet to start exercising properly but have been doing my usual walking around 8 miles a week, including swimming in the sea when the weather permits. My confidence is rocketing I'm finally feeling like I am winning with this ongoing battle and getting back to me. I will keep you all informed as to my progress with this and hope to be posting a pic of a skinny or skinnier me soon. I can't tell you how much happier this has made me feel. I can put up with all the other side effects including migraines, joint pain, mood swings, breathlessness but I just can't stand being weirdly over weight ie: a massive pregnant bloated stomach contributes to the breathlessness makes me feel about 100 with normal legs!!!!!  This cropped up in my email box and basically tells it like it is and is exactly what I've been trying out for the past week. http://www.bcadvisor.com/molly-bain/blog/

Saturday 8 August 2015

Counselling

Straight after the roller coaster ride of an appt. (see last post) I headed off to see my first counsellor at the local Macmillan centre. I didn't go and see anyone when I was first dx or subsequently mainly because one of the counsellors and her partner who was her boss were known to me in fact at the time they lived 2 doors down from me I didn't feel I could go into the centre or receive counselling having known them and there situation which heartbreakingly was also affected by breast cancer in that the counsellor in question had a sister die of breast cancer just as I was dx basically it was extenuating circumstances that kept me away but upon hearing that this particular person had moved on to another job I decided I try counselling out.

I wasn't sure what to expect or how to go around it, walking into the room I noticed the obligatory box of tissues and the thought passed my mind "would I really need to cry" having cried a river over cancer I wasn't sure I had any tears left inside me, anyway the session proceeded and I was pleased to see a cheerful lady in her middle years smiling at me and shaking my hand. For this post we shall call her K. I filled in the consent form that interestingly gives the counsellor permission to alert GP' about possible suicidal tendency or if she believes I would put myself in harms way. So on with the session. I started by telling her my story (which I wont bore you with now its all in the about me page) and as we continued I realised that although I'd shared most on this blog I hadn't ever verbally said any of this stuff, she asked me why I thought it was a good idea to share with another person rather than behind a keyboard after which I replied "I suppose to make it real" cue first tissue and tears rolling. It somehow does make it more real to say the words out loud, I do hate my new body or the new me, I am not the same person I was before cancer, I feel like an alien inside my own body and I don't think I will be able to accept the new me or  know how to go about moving forward. K. listened to all of this and replied that she was feeling that I was not showing myself compassion, being too judgemental on myself resulting in self hatred fear and loathing, and that I need to be able to release all these feelings and learn to love myself, open flood bank and endless tissues! Tears apparently release tension. One annoying thing she did mention or "put on the table" was that I might benefit from the use of anti-depressants urghhh not that old chestnut again....... I tried anti-depressants see post and it wasn't good apart from the fact that do I really need more fucking tablets! its exasperating! Moving swiftly on the session went on for an hour and I think I did make some headway. Having said that I knew before I went in that it would probably all boil down to personal appearance being the top problem and unfortunately I was right.

All in all the first session went alright I suppose but I still don't have any answers how to go about accepting the new me and just saying those words make me seeth. I don't think I will ever 'accept' the new me and after the sketch at the hospital yesterday came home starving as we didn't eat anything prior to the appt. I decided to fast so haven't eaten for over 24 hours and might continue to fast for the next 3 or 4 days. See if I can shift some weight that way. Seriously I've tried every which way and the fucking fat wont come off its not natural and I look abnormal its got to go its the bain of my life and I fucking hate myself. So my new motto is FUCK OFF FAT by hook or by crook I'm going to loose this shit even if it kills me.

Friday 7 August 2015

Highs and lows

So went to the hospital for the results of my CT scan and to discuss the latest issues regarding the thyroid and cholesterol. The CT scan was good everything is stable or the same as the last scan big sigh of relief phew........

Not so good was the discussion regarding the massive 5 stone weight gain, treatments and my thyroid. Of course I didn't get to see my actual oncologist as always I see one of his minions a female Dr that for the purpose of this post shall be named Dr C. came out who is very nice BUT wow she just doesn't buy it that the treatments have made me put on this weight which I cannot shift. She told me that the thyroid wasn't anything to do with the cancer and was "something you probably always would of developed" WTF!!! so its got nothing to do with the chemo or the radiotherapy at all, bullshit! of course its to do with treatments I was fine before I got cancer I never went to the doctor and certainly never had a problem with weight gain, thyroid or cholesterol. She then proceeded to tell me that as for the weight gain I needed to watch what I was eating try to eat more green vegetables, eat smaller portions and change my diet. At this point I nearly blew but somehow managed to retain an air of calm in which I informed her of my monumental lifestyle changes she continued to prod me with "you need to do more exercise" I agree BUT I can't do to much as I get out of breath puff and pant and go deep red in the face then sweat profusely to dripping point I kid you not I actually think I am going to have a heart attack just walking up the fucking stairs!! did she listen to me did she hell!! No apparently its all my fault nothing to do with the treatments I eat too much of the wrong thing and don't exercise enough I need to swim for half an hour a day WTF!!! Luckily one of the nice nurses who has known me for as long as I've had cancer backed me up on the lifestyle changes and the organic green juicing etc the doctor just didn't want to hear it I reckon if she could of she would of sat there with both fingers stuck in her ears going lalalalala thats how far she didn't want to accept the fact that all of my problems are caused either directly or indirectly via drugs from the cancer, I have pondered on this and believe it is because if they put there hands up to this an admit its caused by treatments then they would have to deal with them, by denying it they dissolve any responsibility.

I then moved on to having my ovaries removed to which she actually giggled yes thats right laughed at me for such an absurd suggestion! not really though is it? I have ovaries that are fighting back and being kept at bay by a large nasty injection of Zoladex so why the fuck not take the bastards out and have done with it. At this point she left the room to check with my Onc. who sits in another room WHY!!!! god only knows whilst she was out of the room I chatted with the BCN who was just as mystified by the callous response to my questions she told me I could get a second opinion!  Dr C. came back to inform me that my Onc. agreed with her that I didn't need my ovaries out.  Just for the record I DONT FUCKING AGREE WITH EITHER OF THEM.

 Of course what she doesn't know is that one of the so called life saving drugs Arimidex I haven't been taking they prescribed it for me last year after I stopped taking the Tamoxifen telling me that it would be better than Tamoxifen and wouldn't make me put on any weight, after reading the side effects lists I beg to differ weight gain being the most prominent problem with Arimidex so I chose not to take it but have been keeping it a secret from them at the hospital. It is a worry and I have really wrestled with this one but I decided I would rather not be around if I am the size of a house and have to be wheeled round in a chair. Again quality over quantity is my moto and I am sticking to it. The Arimidex is a blocker for oestrogen the Zoladex stops the ovaries from producing oestrogen.

I also asked about the possible removal of my remaining massive breast. I can't wear a bra as my Lymphoedema is on my right hand side torso every time I do wear a bra I get a lot of pain, recently went to a wedding and had to come home early because it was causing me so much pain. It was suggested that I go see the Lymph nurse again....... I don't find that it really helps that much certainly not enough to stop the pain when wearing a bra. So I hit another brick wall.

To end the discussion she pointed out that I am stable and that all the drugs they have so far given me are working and will continue to work for the time being. This kind of shuts me up and makes me feel guilty for even bringing up the subject.  She wasn't interested in the fact that I juice organic green veg, take supplements walk 5 miles a day, don't eat potatoes, bread or dairy.  I am left with this problem what is the point in living if you feel like utter shit and contemplate suicide? Why have I been through all of this shit to come out feeling like life is worthless?


Wednesday 5 August 2015

Blood test results

Finally got hold of the GP who ordered the blood test's to verify the status of my thyroid although have to say she wasn't keen on testing my thyroid she seemed to think I needed a test for my blood sugar. So the results were as I thought something is wrong with my thyroid its under active so this means I might need thyroxine tablets to balance it up, however the GP wasn't worried about it and said that usually in this instance they would test me again in 3 months and then if all was the same they would prescribe thyroxine tablets, BUT as I am a cancer patient she didn't know if this new drug would interfere with any of the other drugs I am on so it waiting until I've seen my oncologist which is fairly soon at 11.30 this Friday. I thought that was all but no there is more..... my cholesterol levels are off the scale!!! what the fuck!!!!! I was like "thats to do with diet isn't it?" GP said "yes it can be but in your case its probably to do with all the treatments and drugs unbalancing your body etc" my response was "what shall we do about it" GP reply "I'd rather deal with the thyroid problem first and then we will look at the cholesterol" my response is "urghhhhhhhhhhhh" for fuck sake!!!! So if the cancer doesn't kill me then the cholesterol will eh!!!! GP doesn't seem to want to jump on this and I am very worried about it, herceptin affects your heart muscle not in a good way otherwise they wouldn't be checking my heart every 3 months and now this high cholesterol means my poor ticker is wacked out!!!! Will be seeing my dear Onc. this Friday and taking the test results in so he can ponder over it see what he comes up with. I'll keep you informed of my progress and of course the much anticipated CT scan results urghhhhh it never rains and then it fucking pours..........

Thursday 23 July 2015

Blood tests, scans and anxiety....

Last friday I had my 3 monthly CT scan I'm waiting for results and as is the normal for my hospital it could be some time anything up to 8 weeks (I'm not kidding!!!!). On Tuesday I had my 3 weekly Herceptin shot in the leg which has left a big black bruise and tomorrow I go in for a blood test to verify the status of my thyroid and also to check my blood sugar levels straight after that I go onto the hospital for a heart scan (Herceptin affects your heart) so its been a week of scans, tests and anxiety. I always feel anxious waiting for results which is understandable but its also the anticipation of having to have a cannula put into one of my poor collapsed veins it stress me out no end, they never get it right or listen to me when I tell them don't try that hand etc so subsequently they try 3 times and then hand over to a doctor who invariably looks about 10!! who tells me not to worry it wont hurt and he'll/she'll find one and hey presto it always does bloody well hurt and they have a good poke around to try and find it. WHY DON'T THEY JUST USE MY FOOT urghhhhhhh...... its so fucking annoying.

Monday 20 July 2015

What a grey day......

Should of known that today was going to be a shit day it started off being overcast bleached white sky and misty so bad you couldn't see across to the other side of the road!!!! This turned out to be a precursor to a shit day.

To start with I was looking for my smokey quartz pendant that my parents bought me for my last birthday and its still missing and I think after turning the whole bloody house upside down it is gone for good. Fuck. It was particularly special to me as it was a large smokey quartz pendant used to dispel any radioactive material from my body I always felt safe when wearing it especially if I was going for a CT scan (which I did last Friday) where they use radioactive dye or any other nuclear substance for that matter. I am so utterly gutted. I even looked in our rubbish bags thats how desperate I am.

We popped to my GP's because I wanted to be tested for thyroid problems GP also wants to check for blood sugar and blood pressure I also mentioned about the Saturday meltdown in Totnes so she's decided I need to see a counsellor she also asked why I hadn't seen one before now which I explained that at the time of my dx my then neighbour who was a cancer counsellor at my local Macmillan centre lost her sister to breast cancer that had spread onto her brain all within the same week that I was dx so it didn't seem appropriate at the time and I also didn't want to see someone who knew me. So, friday I am going for various blood tests and possibly an appointment with a counsellor.

Then the shittiness moved on to our new old car the cam belt is broken and now the water pump is being replaced, my partner always fixes things on our old bangers because we can't afford to take it into a proper garage, to be fair to Lee he always fixes it bless him, but its taken all day and he's missed a day off work he'll also miss tomorrow as well because he has to take me to the dammed hospital for my Herceptin shot urghhhhhhh......

All in all a totally shit day full of shitty things. Life still very sucky!!!!

Sunday 19 July 2015

Hypothyroidism and Breast Cancer

A quick post first of all today I've just come across the connection between breast cancer and underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism). It would seem many women are suffering with side effects from having this problem with there thyroid. Of course again our dr's and onc's don't agree that it is caused by breast cancer treatments BUT and it seems to be associated and is happening. Here's a list of some of the symptoms of an underactive thyroid gland:

Weight gain (urghhhhhhh the bain of my fucking life)
Extreme tiredness
Being sensitive to the cold
Depression (another urghhhhhhh had meltdown whilst out in Totnes thought I was having a nervous breakdown!)
Dry skin and hair
Muscle aches
Blurred Vision
and they go on and on and on!!!!! I'm not kidding see this page for the full symptom rundown its excessive to say the least!

So you've guessed it I'm going to the Dr's to be tested for this as so far I tick all the boxes. If it is an underactive thyroid then they will put me on Levothyroxine hormone tablets to raise the thyroxine levels.

Saturday 11 July 2015

Quality over Quantity

Life fucking sucks!!!! the reason being as usual the incredibly annoying and fucking awful weight gain!! Before all this utter shit happened to me I was a size 8 happy go lucky, active woman happy in my own skin, not terribly attractive but passable human being, since cancer so much has changed mainly due to the appalling fucking weight gain its just never ending...... I feel like an alien in my own skin, I don't recognise the person in the mirror, I'd rather be on my own hide away from the world because I can't face the rest of human kind, I had and still have a lot of friends but I see there disbelief in there faces they just can't come to terms with the new fatter me!!! it blows me away it must be just as bad for them. I'm still Sarah, still me on the inside I try to make myself look better but I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection and think who the fuck is that????!!!!!! I try not to look into any mirrors now its so depressing!!! god knows what my partner really thinks, he's tried to reassure me that he loves me no matter what I look like hence the reason everyone believes he's an angel which no doubt he probably is. I find the bigger I get the more invisible to others I seem to be. I get cut out of conversations people don't want to converse with me.

Food becomes a problem I don't want to eat in front of others I feel like I am being judged. Most people assume the weight is because I eat too much. In fact the weight is down to the fucking awful tablets and Zoladex injection that pile it on. I was never a shallow person or even that bothered about what I looked like before all of this happened to me admittedly I wasn't exactly a super model but I looked alright, now its utterly painful facing the truth that I look fat and ugly. Its harder in the summer everyone wears a lot less because of the heat, living by the coast I used to be one of those girls living in her shorts and vest top, swimming in the sea loving life by the sea. Now the nearest I get to swimming is paddling I don't want to get my horrible body out for all to gawp at nothing fits me I am getting so big even the massive wet suit doesn't fit anymore. I so wish I could go and swim in the sea and feel happy to do so. I was loosing the weight and lost a stone until my bloody periods came back then they at the hospital told me I need to shut my ovaries down as they were producing so much oestrogen so I've been on Zoladex injections this has the unwanted side effect of more weight gain. Everything that is related to oestrogen rich breast cancer gives you weight gain and I seem particularly susceptible to it. I am seriously thinking of stopping all the drugs including the Zoladex shots whats the point in living when you feel so utterly depressed. The question is am I ready for the ramifications of stopping the drugs?, have I reached my 'going to hit the fuck it button' yet? I am told by my Onc. and Dr's that going drug free might and most probably will kill me BUT anytime I had left would be happy and whose to say I wouldn't survive? I might be one of the lucky ones and live to tell the tale. The ultimate question is Quality over Quantity? something only I can answer. Love and light to you all xxx

Monday 29 June 2015

RIP Wisp

Can't believe I am writing this post with this title! My lovely little cat Wisp who was only 11 months old was mowed down by a driver on our country lane out the front of our house the careless driver didn't even stop! We were away at the time and my poor brother had to tell us over the phone then he had to bury him next to our other beloved cat Ted who also went the same way. It begs belief! They were both gorgeous young cats taken way too soon. I am understandably heart broken. What a mixed roller coaster ride of a week that was. Started off very normal and looking forward to going on a short holiday to Newquay staying a friends holiday house whilst my partner did a little bit of work for them on the house, then one day into the holiday we get the dreaded phone call about my little Wisp really hard to keep it together and couldn't grieve properly as we were in company we decided to stay as there was nothing we could do if we went home and Lee finished the job drove back home with heavy hearts and many tears on the Thursday again we couldn't grieve properly because our neighbours were getting married on the Saturday and people were arriving full of life and joy so again another brave face was put on I literally couldn't wait for the wedding to be over all that false smiling and I hate having my photo taken because I don't recognise the person in the photo as me it did my fucking head in. I managed to come home before the evening party and decided that was enough and stayed at home finally able to come to terms with what had happened. Then Sunday we went out for a meal with friends.

It's times like these that I think maybe I did do something terrible in a past life that I am in some way being punished of course this is ridiculous because even if that were true and I was a bad person in a past life then surely it would make sense to inform someone if they've done wrong to give them the opportunity to put it right it just doesn't make sense. Struggling to understand everything. I have no children, the nearest thing to children are my lovely cats which are killed, I hate myself all the weight gain/drugs and the deformed body I am left with after the bastard that is breast cancer. You can't help asking yourself why?????????? why has this happened to me? why am I still here? why do I bother with all the drugs and looking after myself? why why why fucking WHY? I feel exhausted, angry, upset, depressed and suicidal feel like stopping all the drugs, all the scans all the fucking treatments and letting nature take its course, I'm sure I would feel better not being on the toxic drug cocktail, life sure is one big fucking load of shit.

........and then I woke up this morning to this song in my head over and over again.
obviously a message somewhere in it but what?

Sara by Fleetwood Mac

Wait a minute baby...
Stay with me awhile
Said you'd give me light
But you never told be about the fire
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
And he was just like a great dark wing
Within the wings of a storm
I think I had met my match -- he was singing
And undoing the laces
Undoing the laces
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
Hold on
The night is coming and the starling flew for days
I'd stay home at night all the time
I'd go anywhere, anywhere
Ask me and I'm there because I care
Sara, you're the poet in my heart
Never change, never stop
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter what for
When you build your house
I'll come by
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
All I ever wanted
Was to know that you were dreaming
(There's a heartbeat
And it never really died)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHJb87nNsGY

UPDATE on the above
So after feeling like utter crap earlier on today I am now feeling a bit refreshed we ended up at Buckfastleigh Abbey the same place I found myself nearly 4 years ago after a particularly gruelling round of radiotherapy, the calm serenity helped to push aside the terrible emotional pain and grief as well as reminding me that heaven is a place on earth and its called Buckfast Abbey the thin veil between this world and the next can be found at this wonderful place not only is the Abbey a visual wonder the grounds are equally as glorious with the gorgeous lavender garden where I sat and pondered my mood. I lit a candle for Wisp in the cathedral and said a prayer as well as healing.

Healing was sent to Toby, Heidi, Susie, Fiona, Sandy, Miles, Ally god bless you all you are in my prayers. xxxx

We stopped at Tesco's where I had a random chat with an elderly lady who could see I was visibly suffering with extreme hot flushes she told me that the love of her life had died last year and she missed him every day she told me that we should cherish every moment of our lives and our loved ones. Wise words indeed and duly noted.

My neighbour has just popped up with her lovely daughter who has painted a flower pot and given me some seeds. Symbolically this represents sowing the seeds of a better brighter future.


Friday 19 June 2015

Here we go again hot hot hot.......

Yep you guessed it they are back with revenge hot flushes sort of disappeared for a couple of months and then wham all of a sudden they return with full force in fact they are worse than ever! Before I'd get hot sweat a bit and then it would stop these buggers apparently triggered by the Zoladex (and exasperated by the summer) are the mother of all hot flushes I've experienced whole days of feeling like my entire body is constantly on a hot flush I kid you not this is utter hell!!! So today when the up beat nurse enquired if all was ok on Zoladex I replied no actually I am living in a perpetual burning hell to which she looked at me with that oh I'm so sorry look and promptly went off to discuss with my consultant. (I don't usually moan to them in the hospital about things but I  am glad I didn't do the usual and say" yeah every things fine" NOT!!!  When she returned from the chat with my Onc. it was suggested I go on Megace progesterone tablet apparently this will stop the hot flushes in there tracks BUT as always there are side effects including my pet hate of more fucking weight gain urghhhhh........ and bloody migraines........wonderful so I wont feel like my whole body is on fire anymore but the downside is I wont be able to function ie: move about because of the incredible weight gain and I probably wont be able to get out of bed anyway because of the bloody migraine. Not sure what to do maybe I should try the Megace and monitor whether the weight is piling on if so stop taking it oh what a conundrum and one I'd rather not have to make, who'd of thought I'd be pondering this shit eh!!! 

Here's what it says on the Macmillan site about the drug:

Megestrol can also be used to improve symptoms such as hot flushes or loss of appetite. Hormones are substances produced naturally in the body. They act as chemical messengers and help control the activity of cells and organs. Hormonal therapies interfere with the way hormones are made or how they work in the body.

Many cancers rely on hormones to grow. Megestrol is a drug that is similar to the female sex hormone progesterone. It may work by interfering with the hormone balance in the body, which may stop the cancer growing. It may also act directly on cancer cells so that they can’t grow.

Your doctor will discuss the length of treatment that they feel is appropriate for your situation. Treatment may continue for as long as it is effective in controlling your cancer.

and the possible side effects drawing attention to the text highlighted in Red:

We explain the most common side effects of megestrol here. But we don’t include all the rare ones that are unlikely to affect you. You may get some of the side effects we mention, but you are very unlikely to get all of them. If you are having other drugs as well, you may have some side effects that we don’t list here.

Always tell your cancer doctor or nurse about the side effects you have. They can prescribe drugs to help control some side effects and they can give you advice about managing them.

Increased appetite
The most common side effect is feeling hungrier than usual, which may cause you to gain weight. This effect on your appetite will go away when you stop taking the drug. If you’re worried about gaining weight, talk to your doctor or nurse.

Sometimes megestrol is used to help improve appetite in people who have lost interest in food and are losing weight. 

Swollen hands, feet and ankles
Your hands, feet and ankles may swell because of fluid building up in them. This is not harmful, but can be uncomfortable. Tell your doctor or nurse if you notice any swelling. The swelling will get better after your treatment ends.

Tiredness
You may feel tired and lack energy while taking megestrol. Pace yourself if you feel tired. Try to balance rest periods with some physical activity.
Feeling sick and indigestion

Some people feel sick, especially during the first few weeks of taking megestrol. Tell your doctor if you are affected. They can prescribe treatment to help.

Mood changes
Megestrol may cause changes to your mood. You may feel anxious or restless. You may also have mood swings or problems sleeping. Tell your doctor or nurse if you have any of these side effects. They can make changes to your treatment if the side effects become a problem.
Skin rashes

Some people experience skin rashes. Tell your doctor if this occurs.
Vaginal bleeding in women
Occasionally, women may have light vaginal bleeding (spotting). Let your doctor know if this happens. When you stop taking the drug you may have some bleeding from the vagina, similar to a period.

Don't want to put on anymore weight but equally don't want to end up a puddle of water so what to do, maybe not take it, more weight gain would finish me off. urghhhhh its not easy living with this shit.

Tuesday 26 May 2015

Back on the tread mill...

I've had a mixed bag of a month and both ends of the scale extreme high's and rejoicing at selling one of my paintings for over a £1,000 pounds also at the other end so low I could lie down and die. Its is of course down to the hideous hormones and the equally horrible drugs with side effects that are keeping me alive urghhhhh....... its a conundrum and a pretty important one at that. One of the side effects of Zoladex is yet more weight gain and after feeling pretty good with myself about losing a stone I've now put on nearly half a stone and I'm pretty sure its down to the Zoladex oh fucking joy!

So after a break of nearly 4 months I've received a letter from the hospital requesting I attend a CT scan, FFS!!! The scans are obviously necessary BUT they don't half get on my nerves. The staff can never find a decent vein all thanks to chemo they invariably have to go get a doctor because they've exhausted there 3 attempts the doctor tries to put the needle into all the veins I've told them wont work because of chemo and eventually after a good half an hour of poking and prodding they resort to sticking it in my foot I always leave feeling sorry for myself and it takes a couple of days to get over the whole bloody affair. So as you will gather this has put me in a not so good mood and whilst Iv'e tried to put it to the back of my mind I find myself thinking WHY THE FUCK ME? and of course there's the added anxiety of results and the what if's?

This is the last week of my art exhibition and Iv'e got a few more visitors coming to stay then in June I am hoping that everything will go a bit calmer and that I might feel a bit happier.  June is one of my favourite months all the flowers are out and if the weathers alright it really is paradise on earth in the countryside.


Saturday 16 May 2015

I'll Find My Way Home.....

Yesterday was a mixed bag of conflicting emotions on the one hand I was boosted by feeling enlightened with the Wounded Healer stuff and then I dove head long into a deep depression the only explanation for this is probably my hormones and the overall helplessness of my situation. I really want to stop having Herceptin and Zoladex but I know it would be the end. However, I am not afraid to die after all we are all heading in the same direction and no one can cheat death BUT I suppose I've still got something to accomplish on this planet and the survival instinct kicks in and you carry on taking the drugs plodding along on a knifes edge waiting for the next twist in the road or rather knowing there will be another twist in the road. I actually told my partner he would be better off without me and that I wanted to "stop the world from spinning cause I wanna get off." This all happened yesterday afternoon so I went to bed feeling suicidal and very low I woke up this morning at 5am not feeling any better but as I've experienced in the past a song running over and over again in my head and its not a song I've ever bought or even liked so I assume its another message from spirit as 'they' must know how bad I am feeling todays song was I'll Find My Way Home by Jon and Vangelis. If I wake up that early I have to get up otherwise it will develop into a migraine so I got up and looked the song up on my phone the lyrics shocked me, I didn't realise it was actually a prayer dressed up as an 80's pop song which is very deep with multi layered meanings. Here's the lyrics and the song on youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9Y3m7fisOU

You ask me where to begin
Am I so lost in my sin
You ask me where did I fall
I'll say I can't tell you when
But if my spirit is lost
How will I find what is near
Don't question I'm not alone
Somehow I'll find my way home

My sun shall rise in the east
So shall my heart be at peace
And if you're asking me when
I'll say it starts at the end
You know your will to be free
Is matched with love secretly
And talk will alter your prayer
Somehow you'll find you are there.

Your friend is close by your side
And speaks in far ancient tongue
A seasons wish will come true
All seasons begin with you
One world we all come from
One world we melt into one

Just hold my hand and we're there
Somehow we're going somewhere
Somehow we're going somewhere

You ask me where to begin
Am I so lost in my sin
You ask me where did I fall
I'll say I can't tell you when
But if my spirit is strong
I know it can't be long
No questions I'm not alone
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home

Songwriters: Papathanassiou, Evangelos / Anderson, Jon
I'll Find My Way Home lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

Friday 15 May 2015

Wounded healer, dark night of the soul

The title of this post is a interesting spiritual concept. Wounded healer sounds like a name for an Indian in actual fact its the creation of the eminent psychologist Carl Jung the idea states that an analyst is compelled to treat patients because the analyst himself is 'wounded'. I understand this to mean in order to help those affected by an illness or a disease the healer needs to experience the affliction. I came across this ideology after having a numerology report. Its not something I have done every year but the link kept crossing my path and I decided this one time to act upon it. I am and always have been a seriously spiritual person and have developed my own understanding of the after life and what happens its my own personal belief system. I feel we all need to develop an understanding by ourselves of what it means to be human and where we go after we die. The numerology report was an eye opener and so accurate it described me my life and personality including all my bad traits (which I recognised) but more importantly it made me aware of this 'Wounded Healer' concept indeed possibility.  Here's the part of the report that talks about Wounded Healer.

"Your attitude towards life in general is very selfless and you usually have a good connection with God or a higher power. However often the number 9 faces a unique challenge at some point in his or her life that seems to be a test of faith. Usually this incident takes the form of a devastating personal loss, disease or some sort of tragedy. This triggers a period of time that lasts a few years that is often called the "dark night of the soul." It is usually during this period of your life that you find the extreme courage and strength to become what is called a wounded healer."

Leading up to the point of getting this numerology report I had been questioning myself as I do periodically why I got breast cancer? I walked through the woods and up on the coastline pondering this question and as usual I didn't get any answers until I got back and sat at my computer, I am so so glad I decided that I'd get this report done (it was free). For me I finally understand spiritually why I got cancer and why I write this blog. Its important to look into everything even the seemingly bizarre especially when it comes to something as random as cancer. Somebody had to talk about the spiritual side of cancer as well as looking into alternative treatments and unconventional approaches to drugs and treatment and that someone is me. I thought the idea of this blog was to write all of this down so that I could make sense of the mountains of conflicting information out there on this subject. I realise now that this may of been the reason for starting the blog but in actual fact its not the only reason I am writing down this stuff its for other reasons and 'wounded healer' is one of them. To say I am blown away by all of this is an understatement, to me its enlightenment.

Further information on Wounded Healer

In Greek myths, Chiron was the wisest of the Centaurs and the archetype of the Wounded Healer

He was accidentally wounded by an arrow that had been dipped in the blood of the Hydra

In his search for his own cure, he discovered how to heal others

In teaching others the healing arts, he found a measure of solace from his own pain

The Wounded Healer understands what the patient feels because he has gone through the same pain

The suffering patient can be cared for by the Healer and be instrumental in the Healers own healing

Each encounter between Healer and patient can be transforming for both

The lesson of Chiron teaches us is that we can overcome pain and transcend into knowledge

That each of us can become a Wounded Healer

Here's a link to a short film on youtube that explores this concept and explains the symbology and ancient belief system behind it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orxEawi9qro

As for the dark night of the soul then you need to look no further than this wonderful explanation by the visionary teacher Eckhart Tolle.

Eckhart on the Dark Night of the Soul

Q: Have you ever experienced the dark night of the soul? Your teachings have been so helpful through this difficult period. Can you address this subject?

A: The “dark night of the soul” is a term that goes back a long time. Yes, I have also experienced it. It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything. Sometimes it’s triggered by some external event, some disaster perhaps, on an external level. The death of someone close to you could trigger it, especially premature death, for example if your child dies. Or you had built up your life, and given it meaning – and the meaning that you had given your life, your activities, your achievements, where you are going, what is considered important, and the meaning that you had given your life for some reason collapses.

It can happen if something happens that you can’t explain away anymore, some disaster which seems to invalidate the meaning that your life had before. Really what has collapsed then is the whole conceptual framework for your life, the meaning that your mind had given it. So that results in a dark place. But people have gone into that, and then there is the possibility that you emerge out of that into a transformed state of consciousness. Life has meaning again, but it’s no longer a conceptual meaning that you can necessarily explain. Quite often it’s from there that people awaken out of their conceptual sense of reality, which has collapsed.

They awaken into something deeper, which is no longer based on concepts in your mind. A deeper sense of purpose or connectedness with a greater life that is not dependent on explanations or anything conceptual any longer. It’s a kind of re-birth. The dark night of the soul is a kind of death that you die. What dies is the egoic sense of self. Of course, death is always painful, but nothing real has actually died there – only an illusory identity. Now it is probably the case that some people who’ve gone through this transformation realized that they had to go through that, in order to bring about a spiritual awakening. Often it is part of the awakening process, the death of the old self and the birth of the true self.

The first lesson in A Course in Miracles says “Nothing I see in this room means anything”, and you’re supposed to look around the room at whatever you happen to be looking at, and you say “this doesn’t mean anything”, “that doesn’t mean anything”. What is the purpose of a lesson like that? It’s a little bit like re-creating what can happen during the dark night of the soul. It’s the collapse of a mind-made meaning, conceptual meaning, of life… believing that you understand “what it’s all about”. With A Course in Miracles, it’s a voluntary relinquishment of the human mind-made meaning that is projected, and you go voluntary into saying “I don’t know what this means”, “this doesn’t mean anything”. You wipe the board clean. In the dark night of the soul it collapses.

You are meant to arrive at a place of conceptual meaninglessness. Or one could say a state of ignorance – where things lose the meaning that you had given them, which was all conditioned and cultural and so on. Then you can look upon the world without imposing a mind-made framework of meaning. It looks of course as if you no longer understand anything. That’s why it’s so scary when it happens to you, instead of you actually consciously embracing it. It can bring about the dark night of the soul – to go around the Universe without any longer interpreting it compulsively, as an innocent presence. You look upon events, people, and so on with a deep sense of aliveness. Your sense the aliveness through your own sense of aliveness, but you are not trying to fit your experience into a conceptual framework anymore.

Thursday 14 May 2015

Faith, hope and charity........

A tragic tale of a 92 year old who 'Lost her faith in people' after living through a war, suffering loss and pain, giving to charity and raising vast sums of money, surviving breast cancer 2 years ago after all of this and a long long life she took her own life by jumping off the Clifton Suspension Bridge in Bristol due to losing her faith in humanity. It begs belief doesn't it? bless her soul she couldn't comprehend that in these modern times people would be untrustworthy and cruel, after all her 92 years on the planet finally her faith had been shattered. I'm struggling to find the words to express how tragic this death is, she had lived through a war which took her first husband she suffered and experienced great loss so that we can live a free life and she's repaid with a loss of faith in the society her husband had gone to war to defend. Terrible terrible modern society, I often wonder where we are all heading????? If our elderly can survive to such a grand old age and then at the end of it all loose faith, I know its made me question my own faith and has me asking where is the hope? where is the charity? My own grandmother and her sisters were nicknamed Faith, Hope and Charity there lives were hard being brought up in a work house the daughters of romany gypsies their generation never moaned or complained they just got on with it. RIP Olive Cooke, Edna Sweet, Aunty Dol and Aunty Phil you had all the faith, hope and charity between you I only hope we can find some in these dark modern days.

https://uk.news.yahoo.com/britain-s-oldest-poppy-seller-found-dead-aged-92-after--losing-her-faith-in-people-105637894.html#o1I5Arq

Wednesday 13 May 2015

Inspiring story

Couldn't resist posting this article about a Professor who cured his brain cancer with a variety of every day pills and is here to tell the tale 20 years down the line. Definitely worth reading.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/lifestyle/wellbeing/healthadvice/11424747/The-professor-who-cured-his-cancer-with-a-cocktail-of-everyday-pills-and-20-years-on-remains-disease-free.html

More than just a pretty flower.........

Today's post is about the abundant woodland flower the Bluebell and the potential they have to heal and possibly cure cancer, TB and HIV.  Here's some links to articles that explain it in more detail. Certainly is more than just a pretty flower of course all lots of drugs are derived from plants even the breast cancer drug Taxol is derived from the Yew tree. So its not that way out there to believe in the power of the wild flowers that surrounds us and in the ancient belief of healing with herbs, plants and spices.
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/bluebells-the-natural-way-to-fight-aids-and-cancer-1138910.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/47711.stm
http://www.theguardian.com/uk/1999/sep/16/timradford





Wednesday 6 May 2015

Dairy, calves cancer?.......

You may be confused about this post and be asking yourself "what the hell has dairy and calves got to do with the big C. This is a question I am forced to ask myself every year in May. Around this time every year the field that backs on to our garden is filled with very young dairy calves it always reminds me that each one of these represents a mother cow who produces milk. The calves come from the largest dairy herd in Devon around 3,000 cows are said to be milked down the end of our road everyday to feed our insatiable appetite for all things dairy. This in itself isn't a problem but the trouble starts with how they (the farmers) treat the cattle. All dairy cows produce a calf in order to produce milk how many calves a year they produce or in there entire lifetime is probably an absurd number but this is a fact that most of us don't really acknowledge when we pick up a pint at our local supermarket. The young ones in our back field (and they are pitifully young) are taken from there mothers soon after they are born maybe a couple of weeks judging by the size of the little ones in the field. Obviously they have to do this in order to get at the milk. Along the way the mother cow's are injected with various growth hormones so that they yield more and more milk WE CONSUME this milk and this is where the breast cancer connection comes in. Its female cows injected with female hormones that are in our innocent pint of milk, block of cheese, or clotted cream. Of course the injections are only one of the many process's  the cow's and milk go through pasteurisation is another dodgy process.

Where is all this leading you may ask yourself and indeed this is something I have pondered many times. At the beginning of my dx I went to see a clairvoyant who picked up on the breast cancer thing and told me it was in some way connected to dairy this has kind of stuck in my mind and very soon after I ditched the white stuff in favour of nut milks and a little skimmed goats milk. I don't eat cheese or cream and don't really miss it in tea and coffee although admit it took a little longer to adjust but I have settled for a good nut milk something like Rice Dream Hazlenut/Almond milk and a little dash of totally Skimmed Organic Goats Milk obviously its the same process for goats as is for cows except the demand for goats milk is marginally less than for cows milk and they don't inject hormones and other nasties into it. I seriously believe that if your cancer is ER+ you should consider the dairy connection and the possible impact it could have on your cancer. When you start to look into the alternatives to dairy you'll realise there are a lot of great choices and after a little time you wont bothered or feel that your missing out on cows milk.

Here's a photo of the lovely calves in the field all new and way way too young to be taken from there mothers. Bless them. I've also included a stunning shot of the cows making there way back to be milked as they do everyday at 2.30 following each other in a long train that goes on for miles!!!




RIP Rebecca Ferdinand

Yet another young woman has been taken by this vile disease at just 34 and with 3 young children Rebecca Ferdinand lost her fight with secondary breast cancer. A campaign to bring awareness and to get the much needed drugs added to the cancer fund is underway. I've said it before and I'll say it again "whats the point in fund raising to provide the money to develop drugs that will not be made available to those that need them?" yes were are back to that old chestnut again the cancer fund and the lack of drugs available. It just doesn't make any sense does it?

http://www.itv.com/news/granada/update/2015-05-05/campaigners-in-the-north-west-who-help-women-with-secondary-breast-cancer-are-calling-for-more-drugs-to-be-made-available-to-fight-the-disease/

This next link is written by a widower its his account of how secondary breast cancer stole his beautiful young wife, leaving 2 very young children.  http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/news/11584344/Rio-Ferdinand-is-one-of-us-now-a-young-widower-speaks-of-the-dreadful-pain.html

Tuesday 5 May 2015

The C Word and Lisa Lynch


About an hour ago I watched the short drama on the life and cancer of Lisa Lynch of 'Alright Tit' blog fame and her book 'The C-Word' and remembered why I was feeling so dejected all of the art events this week were something to strive for something to bring hope and joy, watching the film brought back the whole horrible terrifying experience of having cancer and living with it, I could relate to all her pain, emotional suffering, and heartache all the shit she had to go through like chemo, surgery, radiotherapy only to be told that the 'Bullshit' as she called it had returned.  If you haven't watched this its on the iplayer its moving, it makes you cry, but its real, honest depiction of the insanity of a secondary breast cancer dx, I could relate to all of it from finding out and having to tell everyone to going through horrendous chemo and surgery all of it was exactly how I remember it, somehow seeing it on TV makes life seem even more precious and fragile than it already is. Its reminded me to be thankful for all that I have including the chance to fail at a miserable art competition how unbelievably unimportant it all is. All we have is our relationships our friends and family thats all that is important. Lisa Lynch died in 2013 after fighting secondary breast cancer for the record ITS A MOTHER FUCKER.... and I FUCKING HATE IT!!!

Here's the link to Lisa's brilliant blog http://alrighttit.blogspot.co.uk and to the iplayer film 

Monday 4 May 2015

POEMS and Shitty Arty Farty Sandwich

The past week has been yet another emotional roller coaster starting with my beautiful friend called Sooz bless her heart at 39 she's been diagnosed with something equally as horrible as my shit its called POEMS Syndrome and is a really rare, she texted me from her hospital bed with a infarcted spleen, drips draining 6 and a half litres of fluid off of her tummy, two different types of drip fed anti biotic's and a morphine line, she literally took my breath away, living so far apart doesn't help as the mind plays games with you and I had started to imagine all sorts of horrors, although after speaking to her partner who filled me in on her condition it appears she reached a crisis point last thursday this proved to be a turning point and yesterday she even managed to eat something, her team at the hospital are implementing a plan of action which involves a special kind of chemo (its the only condition they give chemo for that isn't actual cancer!) and apparently the dead tissue in her spleen will take 5 days to dissolve so she's to stay on morphine until this has dissolved, on the bright side she is young and this syndrome usually affects older people in there 70's, with a bit of hope and praying to god she will come through this she could carry on living with this incurable condition for many years.

The most important private view of my life where on the very day I was supposed to be revelling in my artistic accomplishments I lost my voice!!! Lee thought it was a blessing lol but honestly it made attending the event impossible how could I talk to potential clients when I had no voice apart from the fact the bug that had induced the lost voice was pretty severe and I ended up camped out on the sofa feeling really ill and sounding atrocious a course of anti-biotic's have of course remedied the bug but not in time for the private view, oh well I thought I'll at least I will have the big art competition to look forward to the competition in question was the Landscape Artist of the Year held in Cornwall on sunday of course I wasn't exactly 100% and had Sooz on my mind all day, but thought sod it its the biggest and only competition I've ever entered and they've offered me a wildcard spot so off we trotted to deepest Cornwall at stupid o'clock laden with everything but the kitchen sink. I ignored the weather all the way there and decided the sun was going to shine for me just this once but no you've guessed it it poured horizontal rain all fucking day I thought I was totally prepared for every eventuality including rain bought a rain mac and large umbrella however I hadn't banked on the driving rain (a bit of drizzle would of sufficed) and the fact the umbrella couldn't be attached to my easel. I stood for nearly 6 hours in the pouring rain not one judge and no presenters came round to interview me so by about 2 o'clock I thought sod this I'm not exactly well (cough cough) and feel like shit now my painting has blown over in the gale which accompanied the rain and is completely ruined so with great disappointment I reluctantly packed up all of a sudden the director came over and asked "can we interview you as we haven't had anyone walk out of the competition without finishing" I again reluctantly said yes due to the shitting form I had filled in prior to the comp giving them permission to film me to which the interview went like this " so why are you leaving?" she said this to me whilst I am stood in the pouring rain literally soaking wet with a painting that was gradually sliding off the canvas to which I replied "isn't it obvious" the rest is a blur and didn't do anything for my moral or nerves came away feeling utterly depressed even started to beat myself up about the fact that I was depressed.

Wednesday 22 April 2015

Sharing is caring.....

Fantastic article in the Telegraph today featuring the blog 'Written off' by Ellie Jeffery who passed away with secondary breast cancer in 2012. I used to follow Ellie's blog and she inspired me to look further than the end of my nose into all the alternatives, complementary medicines as well as the usual conventional treatments. It was Ellie that spurred me to write my own blog about my experiences and to chronicle them in a online diary. Sharing your story with the world might not help all the people but it certainly will help some of the people it is with this in mind that I continue to write this blog and share my views.

Here's the article /www.telegraph.co.uk/lifestyle/wellbeing/healthadvice/11549205/Too-many-patients-suffer-from-cancer-alone-needlessly.html

Tuesday 21 April 2015

Hemp Oil....its really gathering pace

Everyday there seems to be a new story relating to someone with any sort of cancer experiencing a complete turn around and tumour disappearance which they are attributing to the use of Hemp Oil. The more I think about it the more I reckon this is the reason I've been doing so well. I was at stage IV with only palliative care prescribed by the hospital. I am so grateful for my partner, brother and good friends that helped to make that first batch of hemp oil so quickly I was on it at the same time as chemo/herceptin and yeah initially I was spaced out, however it did make having chemo a lot easier to deal with I slept like a baby and didn't suffer as many nasty side effects as others claim to get. Hemp oil was in my system from about week 5 into my dx I continued to take it everyday for over a year as time passes your body does seem to tolerate the 'high' feeling you build up a resistance to that feeling.

I find it really strange that some would completely write off the possibility that this drug can and in some cases does work yet they would willing have chemo which is essentially a poison, obviously chemo works I know this first hand BUT how about being offered both hemp oil and chemo at the same time prescribed legal, clinically tested hemp oil. If you look at it like this ie: chemo is derived from plants I think the Yew tree is one such plant a highly poisonous tree the birds don't even eat the berries! Hemp oil is also derived from a plant which isn't poisonous at all its only downfall is that the powers that be deem it an illegal drug and make users criminals of course they would say that because if this is indeed the wonder drug of our times then the government, pharmaceutical companies and charities wont want a simple plant that anyone can grow easily to be the cure for the biggest disease on the planet, it stands to reason they would want to hush it up so that they can continue to rake in the millions of pounds/dollars in revenue that cancer brings. By far the worse out of the three is the charities everyone does there bit, run for life, cake bake, etc etc etc all in the name of charity the money raised is pumped into research and ultimately to find a cure for cancer yet the very drugs they have developed are now being pulled by the government because they are too expensive to administer so people who would benefit from those drugs die as a result, I ask you WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT? I will never raise any more money for these particular charities and certainly wont be lining there pockets with money so they can wave the carrot in front of my face then pull it at the last hurdle FUCK EM!

Hemp oil has got to be the only sane way forward, easy to grow and to process and now you don't even have to take it as a capsule you can make it into a suppository which apparently stops the 'high' feeling. So there you have it Hemp Oil the wonder drug of our time I recommend you keep your eye out for hemp and cancer related stories in the press they are filtering through I've decided to collect them and paste them on my dedicated hemp page not because I need to be convinced but to help others come to the same conclusion.

Still in two minds about this topic and need to look into it further then I urge you to watch this film 'Bud Buddies Project Sorm' its nearly 2 hours long but in the whole scheme of things 2 hours in your life isn't that long and could potentially change your mind on the use of Hemp Oil and your outlook on life.
Here's the link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58X5KhW80pw#t=6381 and another link to an article from The Independent (its not all Daily Mail articles that talk about cannabis and and hemp oil)
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/could-cannabis-oil-reverse-the-effects-of-cancer-9934577.html
the next link is to the Bud Buddies official website which is a non-profit organisation that administer the oil free of charge.
http://www.cannabiscure.info/files/bud_buddies.htm

Sunday 19 April 2015

Back to business as usual.... Zoladex

Tomorrow I get my 2nd shot of Zoladex the first hit wasn't good and now I am dreading this next one. Its not the injection got over my fear of needles back in 2011 when having chemo and the continued Herceptin no its the size of the fucker. It's massive I mean this thing is huge. Of course now I know what to expect I am expecting horrendous pain urghhh life doesn't get any easier. The last shot did work immediately and stopped the dammed period and I haven't had any period pain since that last one so reckon it could of closed the ovaries down for good. Which would be a blessed relief and one less trip to the hospital every month. Looking forward to going out with my best friend afterwards for a small shopping trip there's always a silver lining.

Update - Thanks to the Tamoxifen tire around my middle I didn't even feel the needle go in this time last time it did hurt, so all in all pleased with that. Suppose there's got to be some compensation for having a fat tummy eh!!!

Still weighing up the pro's and con's of having ovaries removed. Here's an interesting article in The Mail http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3031006/The-hell-surgical-menopause-s-not-just-Angelina-Jolie-women-opting-life-saving-operations-carry-cruel-price.html
which goes into the nightmare side effects of a forced surgical, early, menopause. I am and have been in menopause for the past 4 years ever since that first chemo injection the hot flushes have been horrendous this isn't just a little bit of heat its a full on pressure cooker on fire, turning bright red in the face so everyone looks at you with that quizzical "whats wrong with you" face on, the sweat pouring down your face, feeling really sick so bad I have to take anti-sickness meds, sticking my head in the freezer is about the only way of relieving the effects and I'm 4 years down the road. I'm wondering if I do have my ovaries out if the menopausal side effects will continue or even dare I say it get worse!!!! All considerations and questions to ask Onc. as well as possibly asking to have other massive breast removed as I feel so out of balance and hate hate hate the remaining breast. Lots to ask on the next appointment.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THEN JOG ON..........

My my I am popular today...... had an infuriating patronising afternoon message from a not very nice someone who shall remain anon. Giving me a right telling off...... Madam.... for expressing MY views on MY fucking blog. A particular post got right up someone's nose and they've been stamping there feet all over the fucking place!!! I stand by that post and what I said I didn't mention names so its between me and them and they know who they are. I didn't retaliate at the time because I didn't want to get into a heated debate online so I voiced my view on MY blog, which I am perfectly entitled to do and will continue to do so.

Have to say if you don't like what your reading then go somewhere else. This is a personal blog and I have placed warning's all over the place regarding the sometimes angry, upsetting outbursts not too mention the swearing, let me put it quite simply and as the title of this post say's IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THEN JOG ON. I'm not going to apologise for anything I've said and would like to point out that I'm not the Katie Hopkins of secondary breast cancer, I'm a normal person with an abnormal disease who uses this blog as a way of  expressing, venting, and sometimes sharing and advising on my experience of the disease thus far. I would never tell anyone what to think or expect them to change their views because of something I've said, we are all adults and should be able to make up our own minds. I believe every view is relevant and we should leave no stone unturned in relation to our health and cancer the alternative is not worth thinking about.

This is all I am going to say on this matter and shall continue to divulge any RELEVANT information I have come across via this blog (I am no longer a member of the group that shall remain nameless).

Thursday 9 April 2015

The Estrogen Effect (EE)

Ok so been up since stupid o'clock with usual migraine to greet the day Nice NOT!!
However, the plus side to being awake at this un earthly hour is you see some cracking sunrise's and you think a lot. This morning brain wave was about Estrogen and what I've noticed so far in relation to estrogen rich cancer (cancer cells that feed off of it ie ER+ my path is 4/8). It doesn't make any sense as a female your body produces estrogen it not only informs your gender its beneficial to bone health and a  load of other very important things. So why has my body decided to use the very thing that makes me a woman to feed the rogue cells???? I suppose its the million dollar question isn't it but it just doesn't make any sense at all, its not pro life in any shape or form. A few other things I've noticed about estrogen are:

When on Tamoxifen or any other estrogen blocker my mood is better I mean its really better I am happy smiling and content even though I should be depressed cause I've put on 5 stone and don't look like myself anymore YET I am happy.

The last point was tested when I all of a sudden had a period last month (first one in 4 years) just prior to the period my partner noticed that I was visibly spotty, moody, angry, depressed and generally down in the mouth he said "its like you were before you got cancer" this statement kind of took me back, when I thought about it I wasn't very happy or upbeat before cancer I was very very depressed. So it's got me thinking that if its such a important part in making up who we are what sex why is it a case of can't live with and can't live without?

What Estrogen doe's for your body?
It's a chemical messenger carrying information and instructions from one group of cells to another. In the human body, hormones influence almost every cell, organ and function. they regulate our growth, development, metabolism, tissue function, sexual function, reproduction, the way our bodies use food, the reaction to our bodies to emergencies and our moods. In more detail they:
Feeds your bone's
Determines metabolic rate (how well you burn off fat)
Informs your body how to regulate your heat
Is the most feminine of all the hormones helps us to have babies and feed them on milk
Personally makes me feel like shit, depressed, angry, moody not happy, spotty chin and jaw line

If you block or stop estrogen what are the repercussions?

Brittle Bones and Joint Pain (Osteoporosis)
Ageing (in my case prematurely due to early menopause)
Weight Gain urghhh...........
Hot flushes again urghhh.......
Facial hair (thankfully I've not experienced this joy)
Unaturally Happy moods even in the face of death!!!

I'm calling this the Estrogen Effect any thoughts on this please share in a message.
xx



Sunday 5 April 2015

FFS!!!

A tad annoyed...... I feel like I am being victimised verbally on FB at the moment I've posted a couple of articles that were of interest to me and thought I'd share with the research group on FB the response I got was some what rude I was told and I quote "this information is just not valid". Uh well actually it is pretty fucking valid its a view point shared by millions the view that cancer is in some way related to and affected by our lifestyles and what we put into our bodies by way of nutrition. All I did was share a link to an interesting article about the immune system here's the link https://www.ihealthtube.com/aspx/viewvideo.aspx?v=254789042bfc9b3e it is important is it not that we explore all the avenues available to us in our quest to survive and thrive living with secondary breast cancer!!!! I don't expect everyone to agree with what I post or say but I do at least deserve to be heard and not made to feel like I am sooooooo wrong patronising me like they know everything well if your so fucking clever then why haven't you got a fucking cure yet ass hole!!! this is a shame cause potentially life changing views that others might at the least find interesting and at best want to follow up on wont be available to them as I am pulling myself from the stupid fucking group. 

I then progressed to share a couple of links to Kris Carr of Crazy Sexy Cancer and Dr David Servan-Schreiber of Anticancer A New Way of Life both of which have written books on the subject that they themselves suffer with Dr. David died a few years ago of his cancer but he lived and survived for 20 years with stage IV brain cancer. Kris Carr may have a rare slow growing cancer but she has lived and thrived by her juicing protocol for the past 10 years I find it hard to believe that some might think it helpful to find fault with such people I don't care that they might of made millions out of writing there books and pushing there philosophies that's not the fucking point the point is that the lifestyles they promote and still are have proved positive in the fight against dying early from fucking cancer.

I would also like to add in this post that I have known at least 25 women who have died from this vile, random bastard of a disease this is not some sort of game or competition its life or fucking death. Either you get active and research do everything possible to help yourself or you just listen to the Doctors like they are God!!! and do what they tell you to do. Its a case of doing a bit of both really of course looking after yourself is paramount to helping you heal as is throwing everything you got at this mother fucker of a disease. I am not going to engage in a war with people if they don't agree but don't put me down as not having a valid point and telling me to " please don't follow his ideas" WTF!! how dare she tell me what to fucking do, I am still here living breathing and fighting 4 years down the line I have armed myself with every type and kind of research humanely possible and I am fucking winning, the proof is in the fact that I am here screaming and shouting about it the lung mets have disappeared the liver stuff is all but gone bar 2 small mets that are continuing to shrink. Something is clearly working could be the juicing, could be the supplements could be the hemp oil or it could be the bacon sandwich I've just fucking eaten just don't tell me I don't have a valid point. End rant and gosh that feels a lot better

Having said that I also have had enough of people rubbing me up the wrong way so in future I wont post anything interesting and will just keep it all to myself and of course this blog so stay tuned if you want to read anything interesting and alternative.

After the ultra annoying afternoon with this particular FB group I have left and will not be returning anytime soon.