I've had a mixed bag of a month and both ends of the scale extreme high's and rejoicing at selling one of my paintings for over a £1,000 pounds also at the other end so low I could lie down and die. Its is of course down to the hideous hormones and the equally horrible drugs with side effects that are keeping me alive urghhhhh....... its a conundrum and a pretty important one at that. One of the side effects of Zoladex is yet more weight gain and after feeling pretty good with myself about losing a stone I've now put on nearly half a stone and I'm pretty sure its down to the Zoladex oh fucking joy!
So after a break of nearly 4 months I've received a letter from the hospital requesting I attend a CT scan, FFS!!! The scans are obviously necessary BUT they don't half get on my nerves. The staff can never find a decent vein all thanks to chemo they invariably have to go get a doctor because they've exhausted there 3 attempts the doctor tries to put the needle into all the veins I've told them wont work because of chemo and eventually after a good half an hour of poking and prodding they resort to sticking it in my foot I always leave feeling sorry for myself and it takes a couple of days to get over the whole bloody affair. So as you will gather this has put me in a not so good mood and whilst Iv'e tried to put it to the back of my mind I find myself thinking WHY THE FUCK ME? and of course there's the added anxiety of results and the what if's?
This is the last week of my art exhibition and Iv'e got a few more visitors coming to stay then in June I am hoping that everything will go a bit calmer and that I might feel a bit happier. June is one of my favourite months all the flowers are out and if the weathers alright it really is paradise on earth in the countryside.
Tuesday 26 May 2015
Thursday 21 May 2015
Saturday 16 May 2015
I'll Find My Way Home.....
Yesterday was a mixed bag of conflicting emotions on the one hand I was boosted by feeling enlightened with the Wounded Healer stuff and then I dove head long into a deep depression the only explanation for this is probably my hormones and the overall helplessness of my situation. I really want to stop having Herceptin and Zoladex but I know it would be the end. However, I am not afraid to die after all we are all heading in the same direction and no one can cheat death BUT I suppose I've still got something to accomplish on this planet and the survival instinct kicks in and you carry on taking the drugs plodding along on a knifes edge waiting for the next twist in the road or rather knowing there will be another twist in the road. I actually told my partner he would be better off without me and that I wanted to "stop the world from spinning cause I wanna get off." This all happened yesterday afternoon so I went to bed feeling suicidal and very low I woke up this morning at 5am not feeling any better but as I've experienced in the past a song running over and over again in my head and its not a song I've ever bought or even liked so I assume its another message from spirit as 'they' must know how bad I am feeling todays song was I'll Find My Way Home by Jon and Vangelis. If I wake up that early I have to get up otherwise it will develop into a migraine so I got up and looked the song up on my phone the lyrics shocked me, I didn't realise it was actually a prayer dressed up as an 80's pop song which is very deep with multi layered meanings. Here's the lyrics and the song on youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9Y3m7fisOU
You ask me where to begin
Am I so lost in my sin
You ask me where did I fall
I'll say I can't tell you when
But if my spirit is lost
How will I find what is near
Don't question I'm not alone
Somehow I'll find my way home
My sun shall rise in the east
So shall my heart be at peace
And if you're asking me when
I'll say it starts at the end
You know your will to be free
Is matched with love secretly
And talk will alter your prayer
Somehow you'll find you are there.
Your friend is close by your side
And speaks in far ancient tongue
A seasons wish will come true
All seasons begin with you
One world we all come from
One world we melt into one
Just hold my hand and we're there
Somehow we're going somewhere
Somehow we're going somewhere
You ask me where to begin
Am I so lost in my sin
You ask me where did I fall
I'll say I can't tell you when
But if my spirit is strong
I know it can't be long
No questions I'm not alone
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Songwriters: Papathanassiou, Evangelos / Anderson, Jon
I'll Find My Way Home lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
You ask me where to begin
Am I so lost in my sin
You ask me where did I fall
I'll say I can't tell you when
But if my spirit is lost
How will I find what is near
Don't question I'm not alone
Somehow I'll find my way home
My sun shall rise in the east
So shall my heart be at peace
And if you're asking me when
I'll say it starts at the end
You know your will to be free
Is matched with love secretly
And talk will alter your prayer
Somehow you'll find you are there.
Your friend is close by your side
And speaks in far ancient tongue
A seasons wish will come true
All seasons begin with you
One world we all come from
One world we melt into one
Just hold my hand and we're there
Somehow we're going somewhere
Somehow we're going somewhere
You ask me where to begin
Am I so lost in my sin
You ask me where did I fall
I'll say I can't tell you when
But if my spirit is strong
I know it can't be long
No questions I'm not alone
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Songwriters: Papathanassiou, Evangelos / Anderson, Jon
I'll Find My Way Home lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
Friday 15 May 2015
Wounded healer, dark night of the soul
The title of this post is a interesting spiritual concept. Wounded healer sounds like a name for an Indian in actual fact its the creation of the eminent psychologist Carl Jung the idea states that an analyst is compelled to treat patients because the analyst himself is 'wounded'. I understand this to mean in order to help those affected by an illness or a disease the healer needs to experience the affliction. I came across this ideology after having a numerology report. Its not something I have done every year but the link kept crossing my path and I decided this one time to act upon it. I am and always have been a seriously spiritual person and have developed my own understanding of the after life and what happens its my own personal belief system. I feel we all need to develop an understanding by ourselves of what it means to be human and where we go after we die. The numerology report was an eye opener and so accurate it described me my life and personality including all my bad traits (which I recognised) but more importantly it made me aware of this 'Wounded Healer' concept indeed possibility. Here's the part of the report that talks about Wounded Healer.
Eckhart on the Dark Night of the Soul
Q: Have you ever experienced the dark night of the soul? Your teachings have been so helpful through this difficult period. Can you address this subject?
A: The “dark night of the soul” is a term that goes back a long time. Yes, I have also experienced it. It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything. Sometimes it’s triggered by some external event, some disaster perhaps, on an external level. The death of someone close to you could trigger it, especially premature death, for example if your child dies. Or you had built up your life, and given it meaning – and the meaning that you had given your life, your activities, your achievements, where you are going, what is considered important, and the meaning that you had given your life for some reason collapses.
It can happen if something happens that you can’t explain away anymore, some disaster which seems to invalidate the meaning that your life had before. Really what has collapsed then is the whole conceptual framework for your life, the meaning that your mind had given it. So that results in a dark place. But people have gone into that, and then there is the possibility that you emerge out of that into a transformed state of consciousness. Life has meaning again, but it’s no longer a conceptual meaning that you can necessarily explain. Quite often it’s from there that people awaken out of their conceptual sense of reality, which has collapsed.
They awaken into something deeper, which is no longer based on concepts in your mind. A deeper sense of purpose or connectedness with a greater life that is not dependent on explanations or anything conceptual any longer. It’s a kind of re-birth. The dark night of the soul is a kind of death that you die. What dies is the egoic sense of self. Of course, death is always painful, but nothing real has actually died there – only an illusory identity. Now it is probably the case that some people who’ve gone through this transformation realized that they had to go through that, in order to bring about a spiritual awakening. Often it is part of the awakening process, the death of the old self and the birth of the true self.
The first lesson in A Course in Miracles says “Nothing I see in this room means anything”, and you’re supposed to look around the room at whatever you happen to be looking at, and you say “this doesn’t mean anything”, “that doesn’t mean anything”. What is the purpose of a lesson like that? It’s a little bit like re-creating what can happen during the dark night of the soul. It’s the collapse of a mind-made meaning, conceptual meaning, of life… believing that you understand “what it’s all about”. With A Course in Miracles, it’s a voluntary relinquishment of the human mind-made meaning that is projected, and you go voluntary into saying “I don’t know what this means”, “this doesn’t mean anything”. You wipe the board clean. In the dark night of the soul it collapses.
You are meant to arrive at a place of conceptual meaninglessness. Or one could say a state of ignorance – where things lose the meaning that you had given them, which was all conditioned and cultural and so on. Then you can look upon the world without imposing a mind-made framework of meaning. It looks of course as if you no longer understand anything. That’s why it’s so scary when it happens to you, instead of you actually consciously embracing it. It can bring about the dark night of the soul – to go around the Universe without any longer interpreting it compulsively, as an innocent presence. You look upon events, people, and so on with a deep sense of aliveness. Your sense the aliveness through your own sense of aliveness, but you are not trying to fit your experience into a conceptual framework anymore.
"Your attitude towards life in general is very selfless and you usually have a good connection with God or a higher power. However often the number 9 faces a unique challenge at some point in his or her life that seems to be a test of faith. Usually this incident takes the form of a devastating personal loss, disease or some sort of tragedy. This triggers a period of time that lasts a few years that is often called the "dark night of the soul." It is usually during this period of your life that you find the extreme courage and strength to become what is called a wounded healer."
Leading up to the point of getting this numerology report I had been questioning myself as I do periodically why I got breast cancer? I walked through the woods and up on the coastline pondering this question and as usual I didn't get any answers until I got back and sat at my computer, I am so so glad I decided that I'd get this report done (it was free). For me I finally understand spiritually why I got cancer and why I write this blog. Its important to look into everything even the seemingly bizarre especially when it comes to something as random as cancer. Somebody had to talk about the spiritual side of cancer as well as looking into alternative treatments and unconventional approaches to drugs and treatment and that someone is me. I thought the idea of this blog was to write all of this down so that I could make sense of the mountains of conflicting information out there on this subject. I realise now that this may of been the reason for starting the blog but in actual fact its not the only reason I am writing down this stuff its for other reasons and 'wounded healer' is one of them. To say I am blown away by all of this is an understatement, to me its enlightenment.
Further information on Wounded Healer
In Greek myths, Chiron was the wisest of the Centaurs and the archetype of the Wounded Healer
He was accidentally wounded by an arrow that had been dipped in the blood of the Hydra
In his search for his own cure, he discovered how to heal others
In teaching others the healing arts, he found a measure of solace from his own pain
The Wounded Healer understands what the patient feels because he has gone through the same pain
The suffering patient can be cared for by the Healer and be instrumental in the Healers own healing
Each encounter between Healer and patient can be transforming for both
The lesson of Chiron teaches us is that we can overcome pain and transcend into knowledge
That each of us can become a Wounded Healer
Here's a link to a short film on youtube that explores this concept and explains the symbology and ancient belief system behind it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orxEawi9qro
Further information on Wounded Healer
In Greek myths, Chiron was the wisest of the Centaurs and the archetype of the Wounded Healer
He was accidentally wounded by an arrow that had been dipped in the blood of the Hydra
In his search for his own cure, he discovered how to heal others
In teaching others the healing arts, he found a measure of solace from his own pain
The Wounded Healer understands what the patient feels because he has gone through the same pain
The suffering patient can be cared for by the Healer and be instrumental in the Healers own healing
Each encounter between Healer and patient can be transforming for both
The lesson of Chiron teaches us is that we can overcome pain and transcend into knowledge
That each of us can become a Wounded Healer
Here's a link to a short film on youtube that explores this concept and explains the symbology and ancient belief system behind it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orxEawi9qro
As for the dark night of the soul then you need to look no further than this wonderful explanation by the visionary teacher Eckhart Tolle.
Q: Have you ever experienced the dark night of the soul? Your teachings have been so helpful through this difficult period. Can you address this subject?
A: The “dark night of the soul” is a term that goes back a long time. Yes, I have also experienced it. It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything. Sometimes it’s triggered by some external event, some disaster perhaps, on an external level. The death of someone close to you could trigger it, especially premature death, for example if your child dies. Or you had built up your life, and given it meaning – and the meaning that you had given your life, your activities, your achievements, where you are going, what is considered important, and the meaning that you had given your life for some reason collapses.
It can happen if something happens that you can’t explain away anymore, some disaster which seems to invalidate the meaning that your life had before. Really what has collapsed then is the whole conceptual framework for your life, the meaning that your mind had given it. So that results in a dark place. But people have gone into that, and then there is the possibility that you emerge out of that into a transformed state of consciousness. Life has meaning again, but it’s no longer a conceptual meaning that you can necessarily explain. Quite often it’s from there that people awaken out of their conceptual sense of reality, which has collapsed.
They awaken into something deeper, which is no longer based on concepts in your mind. A deeper sense of purpose or connectedness with a greater life that is not dependent on explanations or anything conceptual any longer. It’s a kind of re-birth. The dark night of the soul is a kind of death that you die. What dies is the egoic sense of self. Of course, death is always painful, but nothing real has actually died there – only an illusory identity. Now it is probably the case that some people who’ve gone through this transformation realized that they had to go through that, in order to bring about a spiritual awakening. Often it is part of the awakening process, the death of the old self and the birth of the true self.
The first lesson in A Course in Miracles says “Nothing I see in this room means anything”, and you’re supposed to look around the room at whatever you happen to be looking at, and you say “this doesn’t mean anything”, “that doesn’t mean anything”. What is the purpose of a lesson like that? It’s a little bit like re-creating what can happen during the dark night of the soul. It’s the collapse of a mind-made meaning, conceptual meaning, of life… believing that you understand “what it’s all about”. With A Course in Miracles, it’s a voluntary relinquishment of the human mind-made meaning that is projected, and you go voluntary into saying “I don’t know what this means”, “this doesn’t mean anything”. You wipe the board clean. In the dark night of the soul it collapses.
You are meant to arrive at a place of conceptual meaninglessness. Or one could say a state of ignorance – where things lose the meaning that you had given them, which was all conditioned and cultural and so on. Then you can look upon the world without imposing a mind-made framework of meaning. It looks of course as if you no longer understand anything. That’s why it’s so scary when it happens to you, instead of you actually consciously embracing it. It can bring about the dark night of the soul – to go around the Universe without any longer interpreting it compulsively, as an innocent presence. You look upon events, people, and so on with a deep sense of aliveness. Your sense the aliveness through your own sense of aliveness, but you are not trying to fit your experience into a conceptual framework anymore.
Thursday 14 May 2015
Faith, hope and charity........
A tragic tale of a 92 year old who 'Lost her faith in people' after living through a war, suffering loss and pain, giving to charity and raising vast sums of money, surviving breast cancer 2 years ago after all of this and a long long life she took her own life by jumping off the Clifton Suspension Bridge in Bristol due to losing her faith in humanity. It begs belief doesn't it? bless her soul she couldn't comprehend that in these modern times people would be untrustworthy and cruel, after all her 92 years on the planet finally her faith had been shattered. I'm struggling to find the words to express how tragic this death is, she had lived through a war which took her first husband she suffered and experienced great loss so that we can live a free life and she's repaid with a loss of faith in the society her husband had gone to war to defend. Terrible terrible modern society, I often wonder where we are all heading????? If our elderly can survive to such a grand old age and then at the end of it all loose faith, I know its made me question my own faith and has me asking where is the hope? where is the charity? My own grandmother and her sisters were nicknamed Faith, Hope and Charity there lives were hard being brought up in a work house the daughters of romany gypsies their generation never moaned or complained they just got on with it. RIP Olive Cooke, Edna Sweet, Aunty Dol and Aunty Phil you had all the faith, hope and charity between you I only hope we can find some in these dark modern days.
https://uk.news.yahoo.com/britain-s-oldest-poppy-seller-found-dead-aged-92-after--losing-her-faith-in-people-105637894.html#o1I5Arq
https://uk.news.yahoo.com/britain-s-oldest-poppy-seller-found-dead-aged-92-after--losing-her-faith-in-people-105637894.html#o1I5Arq
Wednesday 13 May 2015
Inspiring story
Couldn't resist posting this article about a Professor who cured his brain cancer with a variety of every day pills and is here to tell the tale 20 years down the line. Definitely worth reading.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/lifestyle/wellbeing/healthadvice/11424747/The-professor-who-cured-his-cancer-with-a-cocktail-of-everyday-pills-and-20-years-on-remains-disease-free.html
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/lifestyle/wellbeing/healthadvice/11424747/The-professor-who-cured-his-cancer-with-a-cocktail-of-everyday-pills-and-20-years-on-remains-disease-free.html
More than just a pretty flower.........
Today's post is about the abundant woodland flower the Bluebell and the potential they have to heal and possibly cure cancer, TB and HIV. Here's some links to articles that explain it in more detail. Certainly is more than just a pretty flower of course all lots of drugs are derived from plants even the breast cancer drug Taxol is derived from the Yew tree. So its not that way out there to believe in the power of the wild flowers that surrounds us and in the ancient belief of healing with herbs, plants and spices.
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/bluebells-the-natural-way-to-fight-aids-and-cancer-1138910.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/47711.stm
http://www.theguardian.com/uk/1999/sep/16/timradford
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/bluebells-the-natural-way-to-fight-aids-and-cancer-1138910.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/47711.stm
http://www.theguardian.com/uk/1999/sep/16/timradford
Wednesday 6 May 2015
Dairy, calves cancer?.......
You may be confused about this post and be asking yourself "what the hell has dairy and calves got to do with the big C. This is a question I am forced to ask myself every year in May. Around this time every year the field that backs on to our garden is filled with very young dairy calves it always reminds me that each one of these represents a mother cow who produces milk. The calves come from the largest dairy herd in Devon around 3,000 cows are said to be milked down the end of our road everyday to feed our insatiable appetite for all things dairy. This in itself isn't a problem but the trouble starts with how they (the farmers) treat the cattle. All dairy cows produce a calf in order to produce milk how many calves a year they produce or in there entire lifetime is probably an absurd number but this is a fact that most of us don't really acknowledge when we pick up a pint at our local supermarket. The young ones in our back field (and they are pitifully young) are taken from there mothers soon after they are born maybe a couple of weeks judging by the size of the little ones in the field. Obviously they have to do this in order to get at the milk. Along the way the mother cow's are injected with various growth hormones so that they yield more and more milk WE CONSUME this milk and this is where the breast cancer connection comes in. Its female cows injected with female hormones that are in our innocent pint of milk, block of cheese, or clotted cream. Of course the injections are only one of the many process's the cow's and milk go through pasteurisation is another dodgy process.
Where is all this leading you may ask yourself and indeed this is something I have pondered many times. At the beginning of my dx I went to see a clairvoyant who picked up on the breast cancer thing and told me it was in some way connected to dairy this has kind of stuck in my mind and very soon after I ditched the white stuff in favour of nut milks and a little skimmed goats milk. I don't eat cheese or cream and don't really miss it in tea and coffee although admit it took a little longer to adjust but I have settled for a good nut milk something like Rice Dream Hazlenut/Almond milk and a little dash of totally Skimmed Organic Goats Milk obviously its the same process for goats as is for cows except the demand for goats milk is marginally less than for cows milk and they don't inject hormones and other nasties into it. I seriously believe that if your cancer is ER+ you should consider the dairy connection and the possible impact it could have on your cancer. When you start to look into the alternatives to dairy you'll realise there are a lot of great choices and after a little time you wont bothered or feel that your missing out on cows milk.
Here's a photo of the lovely calves in the field all new and way way too young to be taken from there mothers. Bless them. I've also included a stunning shot of the cows making there way back to be milked as they do everyday at 2.30 following each other in a long train that goes on for miles!!!
Where is all this leading you may ask yourself and indeed this is something I have pondered many times. At the beginning of my dx I went to see a clairvoyant who picked up on the breast cancer thing and told me it was in some way connected to dairy this has kind of stuck in my mind and very soon after I ditched the white stuff in favour of nut milks and a little skimmed goats milk. I don't eat cheese or cream and don't really miss it in tea and coffee although admit it took a little longer to adjust but I have settled for a good nut milk something like Rice Dream Hazlenut/Almond milk and a little dash of totally Skimmed Organic Goats Milk obviously its the same process for goats as is for cows except the demand for goats milk is marginally less than for cows milk and they don't inject hormones and other nasties into it. I seriously believe that if your cancer is ER+ you should consider the dairy connection and the possible impact it could have on your cancer. When you start to look into the alternatives to dairy you'll realise there are a lot of great choices and after a little time you wont bothered or feel that your missing out on cows milk.
Here's a photo of the lovely calves in the field all new and way way too young to be taken from there mothers. Bless them. I've also included a stunning shot of the cows making there way back to be milked as they do everyday at 2.30 following each other in a long train that goes on for miles!!!
RIP Rebecca Ferdinand
Yet another young woman has been taken by this vile disease at just 34 and with 3 young children Rebecca Ferdinand lost her fight with secondary breast cancer. A campaign to bring awareness and to get the much needed drugs added to the cancer fund is underway. I've said it before and I'll say it again "whats the point in fund raising to provide the money to develop drugs that will not be made available to those that need them?" yes were are back to that old chestnut again the cancer fund and the lack of drugs available. It just doesn't make any sense does it?
http://www.itv.com/news/granada/update/2015-05-05/campaigners-in-the-north-west-who-help-women-with-secondary-breast-cancer-are-calling-for-more-drugs-to-be-made-available-to-fight-the-disease/
This next link is written by a widower its his account of how secondary breast cancer stole his beautiful young wife, leaving 2 very young children. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/news/11584344/Rio-Ferdinand-is-one-of-us-now-a-young-widower-speaks-of-the-dreadful-pain.html
http://www.itv.com/news/granada/update/2015-05-05/campaigners-in-the-north-west-who-help-women-with-secondary-breast-cancer-are-calling-for-more-drugs-to-be-made-available-to-fight-the-disease/
This next link is written by a widower its his account of how secondary breast cancer stole his beautiful young wife, leaving 2 very young children. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/news/11584344/Rio-Ferdinand-is-one-of-us-now-a-young-widower-speaks-of-the-dreadful-pain.html
Tuesday 5 May 2015
The C Word and Lisa Lynch
About an hour ago I watched the short drama on the life and cancer of Lisa Lynch of 'Alright Tit' blog fame and her book 'The C-Word' and remembered why I was feeling so dejected all of the art events this week were something to strive for something to bring hope and joy, watching the film brought back the whole horrible terrifying experience of having cancer and living with it, I could relate to all her pain, emotional suffering, and heartache all the shit she had to go through like chemo, surgery, radiotherapy only to be told that the 'Bullshit' as she called it had returned. If you haven't watched this its on the iplayer its moving, it makes you cry, but its real, honest depiction of the insanity of a secondary breast cancer dx, I could relate to all of it from finding out and having to tell everyone to going through horrendous chemo and surgery all of it was exactly how I remember it, somehow seeing it on TV makes life seem even more precious and fragile than it already is. Its reminded me to be thankful for all that I have including the chance to fail at a miserable art competition how unbelievably unimportant it all is. All we have is our relationships our friends and family thats all that is important. Lisa Lynch died in 2013 after fighting secondary breast cancer for the record ITS A MOTHER FUCKER.... and I FUCKING HATE IT!!!
Here's the link to Lisa's brilliant blog http://alrighttit.blogspot.co.uk and to the iplayer film
Monday 4 May 2015
POEMS and Shitty Arty Farty Sandwich
The past week has been yet another emotional roller coaster starting with my beautiful friend called Sooz bless her heart at 39 she's been diagnosed with something equally as horrible as my shit its called POEMS Syndrome and is a really rare, she texted me from her hospital bed with a infarcted spleen, drips draining 6 and a half litres of fluid off of her tummy, two different types of drip fed anti biotic's and a morphine line, she literally took my breath away, living so far apart doesn't help as the mind plays games with you and I had started to imagine all sorts of horrors, although after speaking to her partner who filled me in on her condition it appears she reached a crisis point last thursday this proved to be a turning point and yesterday she even managed to eat something, her team at the hospital are implementing a plan of action which involves a special kind of chemo (its the only condition they give chemo for that isn't actual cancer!) and apparently the dead tissue in her spleen will take 5 days to dissolve so she's to stay on morphine until this has dissolved, on the bright side she is young and this syndrome usually affects older people in there 70's, with a bit of hope and praying to god she will come through this she could carry on living with this incurable condition for many years.
The most important private view of my life where on the very day I was supposed to be revelling in my artistic accomplishments I lost my voice!!! Lee thought it was a blessing lol but honestly it made attending the event impossible how could I talk to potential clients when I had no voice apart from the fact the bug that had induced the lost voice was pretty severe and I ended up camped out on the sofa feeling really ill and sounding atrocious a course of anti-biotic's have of course remedied the bug but not in time for the private view, oh well I thought I'll at least I will have the big art competition to look forward to the competition in question was the Landscape Artist of the Year held in Cornwall on sunday of course I wasn't exactly 100% and had Sooz on my mind all day, but thought sod it its the biggest and only competition I've ever entered and they've offered me a wildcard spot so off we trotted to deepest Cornwall at stupid o'clock laden with everything but the kitchen sink. I ignored the weather all the way there and decided the sun was going to shine for me just this once but no you've guessed it it poured horizontal rain all fucking day I thought I was totally prepared for every eventuality including rain bought a rain mac and large umbrella however I hadn't banked on the driving rain (a bit of drizzle would of sufficed) and the fact the umbrella couldn't be attached to my easel. I stood for nearly 6 hours in the pouring rain not one judge and no presenters came round to interview me so by about 2 o'clock I thought sod this I'm not exactly well (cough cough) and feel like shit now my painting has blown over in the gale which accompanied the rain and is completely ruined so with great disappointment I reluctantly packed up all of a sudden the director came over and asked "can we interview you as we haven't had anyone walk out of the competition without finishing" I again reluctantly said yes due to the shitting form I had filled in prior to the comp giving them permission to film me to which the interview went like this " so why are you leaving?" she said this to me whilst I am stood in the pouring rain literally soaking wet with a painting that was gradually sliding off the canvas to which I replied "isn't it obvious" the rest is a blur and didn't do anything for my moral or nerves came away feeling utterly depressed even started to beat myself up about the fact that I was depressed.
The most important private view of my life where on the very day I was supposed to be revelling in my artistic accomplishments I lost my voice!!! Lee thought it was a blessing lol but honestly it made attending the event impossible how could I talk to potential clients when I had no voice apart from the fact the bug that had induced the lost voice was pretty severe and I ended up camped out on the sofa feeling really ill and sounding atrocious a course of anti-biotic's have of course remedied the bug but not in time for the private view, oh well I thought I'll at least I will have the big art competition to look forward to the competition in question was the Landscape Artist of the Year held in Cornwall on sunday of course I wasn't exactly 100% and had Sooz on my mind all day, but thought sod it its the biggest and only competition I've ever entered and they've offered me a wildcard spot so off we trotted to deepest Cornwall at stupid o'clock laden with everything but the kitchen sink. I ignored the weather all the way there and decided the sun was going to shine for me just this once but no you've guessed it it poured horizontal rain all fucking day I thought I was totally prepared for every eventuality including rain bought a rain mac and large umbrella however I hadn't banked on the driving rain (a bit of drizzle would of sufficed) and the fact the umbrella couldn't be attached to my easel. I stood for nearly 6 hours in the pouring rain not one judge and no presenters came round to interview me so by about 2 o'clock I thought sod this I'm not exactly well (cough cough) and feel like shit now my painting has blown over in the gale which accompanied the rain and is completely ruined so with great disappointment I reluctantly packed up all of a sudden the director came over and asked "can we interview you as we haven't had anyone walk out of the competition without finishing" I again reluctantly said yes due to the shitting form I had filled in prior to the comp giving them permission to film me to which the interview went like this " so why are you leaving?" she said this to me whilst I am stood in the pouring rain literally soaking wet with a painting that was gradually sliding off the canvas to which I replied "isn't it obvious" the rest is a blur and didn't do anything for my moral or nerves came away feeling utterly depressed even started to beat myself up about the fact that I was depressed.
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