Monday 29 June 2015

RIP Wisp

Can't believe I am writing this post with this title! My lovely little cat Wisp who was only 11 months old was mowed down by a driver on our country lane out the front of our house the careless driver didn't even stop! We were away at the time and my poor brother had to tell us over the phone then he had to bury him next to our other beloved cat Ted who also went the same way. It begs belief! They were both gorgeous young cats taken way too soon. I am understandably heart broken. What a mixed roller coaster ride of a week that was. Started off very normal and looking forward to going on a short holiday to Newquay staying a friends holiday house whilst my partner did a little bit of work for them on the house, then one day into the holiday we get the dreaded phone call about my little Wisp really hard to keep it together and couldn't grieve properly as we were in company we decided to stay as there was nothing we could do if we went home and Lee finished the job drove back home with heavy hearts and many tears on the Thursday again we couldn't grieve properly because our neighbours were getting married on the Saturday and people were arriving full of life and joy so again another brave face was put on I literally couldn't wait for the wedding to be over all that false smiling and I hate having my photo taken because I don't recognise the person in the photo as me it did my fucking head in. I managed to come home before the evening party and decided that was enough and stayed at home finally able to come to terms with what had happened. Then Sunday we went out for a meal with friends.

It's times like these that I think maybe I did do something terrible in a past life that I am in some way being punished of course this is ridiculous because even if that were true and I was a bad person in a past life then surely it would make sense to inform someone if they've done wrong to give them the opportunity to put it right it just doesn't make sense. Struggling to understand everything. I have no children, the nearest thing to children are my lovely cats which are killed, I hate myself all the weight gain/drugs and the deformed body I am left with after the bastard that is breast cancer. You can't help asking yourself why?????????? why has this happened to me? why am I still here? why do I bother with all the drugs and looking after myself? why why why fucking WHY? I feel exhausted, angry, upset, depressed and suicidal feel like stopping all the drugs, all the scans all the fucking treatments and letting nature take its course, I'm sure I would feel better not being on the toxic drug cocktail, life sure is one big fucking load of shit.

........and then I woke up this morning to this song in my head over and over again.
obviously a message somewhere in it but what?

Sara by Fleetwood Mac

Wait a minute baby...
Stay with me awhile
Said you'd give me light
But you never told be about the fire
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
And he was just like a great dark wing
Within the wings of a storm
I think I had met my match -- he was singing
And undoing the laces
Undoing the laces
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
Hold on
The night is coming and the starling flew for days
I'd stay home at night all the time
I'd go anywhere, anywhere
Ask me and I'm there because I care
Sara, you're the poet in my heart
Never change, never stop
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter what for
When you build your house
I'll come by
Drowning in the sea of love
Where everyone would love to drown
And now it's gone
It doesn't matter anymore
When you build your house
Call me home
All I ever wanted
Was to know that you were dreaming
(There's a heartbeat
And it never really died)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHJb87nNsGY

UPDATE on the above
So after feeling like utter crap earlier on today I am now feeling a bit refreshed we ended up at Buckfastleigh Abbey the same place I found myself nearly 4 years ago after a particularly gruelling round of radiotherapy, the calm serenity helped to push aside the terrible emotional pain and grief as well as reminding me that heaven is a place on earth and its called Buckfast Abbey the thin veil between this world and the next can be found at this wonderful place not only is the Abbey a visual wonder the grounds are equally as glorious with the gorgeous lavender garden where I sat and pondered my mood. I lit a candle for Wisp in the cathedral and said a prayer as well as healing.

Healing was sent to Toby, Heidi, Susie, Fiona, Sandy, Miles, Ally god bless you all you are in my prayers. xxxx

We stopped at Tesco's where I had a random chat with an elderly lady who could see I was visibly suffering with extreme hot flushes she told me that the love of her life had died last year and she missed him every day she told me that we should cherish every moment of our lives and our loved ones. Wise words indeed and duly noted.

My neighbour has just popped up with her lovely daughter who has painted a flower pot and given me some seeds. Symbolically this represents sowing the seeds of a better brighter future.


Friday 19 June 2015

Here we go again hot hot hot.......

Yep you guessed it they are back with revenge hot flushes sort of disappeared for a couple of months and then wham all of a sudden they return with full force in fact they are worse than ever! Before I'd get hot sweat a bit and then it would stop these buggers apparently triggered by the Zoladex (and exasperated by the summer) are the mother of all hot flushes I've experienced whole days of feeling like my entire body is constantly on a hot flush I kid you not this is utter hell!!! So today when the up beat nurse enquired if all was ok on Zoladex I replied no actually I am living in a perpetual burning hell to which she looked at me with that oh I'm so sorry look and promptly went off to discuss with my consultant. (I don't usually moan to them in the hospital about things but I  am glad I didn't do the usual and say" yeah every things fine" NOT!!!  When she returned from the chat with my Onc. it was suggested I go on Megace progesterone tablet apparently this will stop the hot flushes in there tracks BUT as always there are side effects including my pet hate of more fucking weight gain urghhhhh........ and bloody migraines........wonderful so I wont feel like my whole body is on fire anymore but the downside is I wont be able to function ie: move about because of the incredible weight gain and I probably wont be able to get out of bed anyway because of the bloody migraine. Not sure what to do maybe I should try the Megace and monitor whether the weight is piling on if so stop taking it oh what a conundrum and one I'd rather not have to make, who'd of thought I'd be pondering this shit eh!!! 

Here's what it says on the Macmillan site about the drug:

Megestrol can also be used to improve symptoms such as hot flushes or loss of appetite. Hormones are substances produced naturally in the body. They act as chemical messengers and help control the activity of cells and organs. Hormonal therapies interfere with the way hormones are made or how they work in the body.

Many cancers rely on hormones to grow. Megestrol is a drug that is similar to the female sex hormone progesterone. It may work by interfering with the hormone balance in the body, which may stop the cancer growing. It may also act directly on cancer cells so that they can’t grow.

Your doctor will discuss the length of treatment that they feel is appropriate for your situation. Treatment may continue for as long as it is effective in controlling your cancer.

and the possible side effects drawing attention to the text highlighted in Red:

We explain the most common side effects of megestrol here. But we don’t include all the rare ones that are unlikely to affect you. You may get some of the side effects we mention, but you are very unlikely to get all of them. If you are having other drugs as well, you may have some side effects that we don’t list here.

Always tell your cancer doctor or nurse about the side effects you have. They can prescribe drugs to help control some side effects and they can give you advice about managing them.

Increased appetite
The most common side effect is feeling hungrier than usual, which may cause you to gain weight. This effect on your appetite will go away when you stop taking the drug. If you’re worried about gaining weight, talk to your doctor or nurse.

Sometimes megestrol is used to help improve appetite in people who have lost interest in food and are losing weight. 

Swollen hands, feet and ankles
Your hands, feet and ankles may swell because of fluid building up in them. This is not harmful, but can be uncomfortable. Tell your doctor or nurse if you notice any swelling. The swelling will get better after your treatment ends.

Tiredness
You may feel tired and lack energy while taking megestrol. Pace yourself if you feel tired. Try to balance rest periods with some physical activity.
Feeling sick and indigestion

Some people feel sick, especially during the first few weeks of taking megestrol. Tell your doctor if you are affected. They can prescribe treatment to help.

Mood changes
Megestrol may cause changes to your mood. You may feel anxious or restless. You may also have mood swings or problems sleeping. Tell your doctor or nurse if you have any of these side effects. They can make changes to your treatment if the side effects become a problem.
Skin rashes

Some people experience skin rashes. Tell your doctor if this occurs.
Vaginal bleeding in women
Occasionally, women may have light vaginal bleeding (spotting). Let your doctor know if this happens. When you stop taking the drug you may have some bleeding from the vagina, similar to a period.

Don't want to put on anymore weight but equally don't want to end up a puddle of water so what to do, maybe not take it, more weight gain would finish me off. urghhhhh its not easy living with this shit.