I've stumbled upon the above phrase PTSD something I didn't think applied to me but as it would happen it does, here's an article explaining why it affects cancer survivors and the symptoms the later of which I can say I have all of the symptoms and have had for along time. This was something I thought the counsellor would pick up on but as per usual I've done some digging around and found this. I would urge any cancer patient/survivor/fighter to read this article its answered some of my questions and helped me understand why I have been so depressed and suicidal.
http://blog.thebreastcancersite.com/cs-ptsd-is-real/?utm_source=bcs-bcaware&utm_medium=social-fb&utm_term=081815&utm_content=link&utm_campaign=cs-ptsd-is-real&origin=
I tick all the boxes with the symptoms for this particular disorder and will be bringing it up at my next session with the counsellor.
Tuesday 18 August 2015
Sunday 16 August 2015
Second Session and a new diet.....
Hello all,
My second counselling session complete and I'm feeling a lot better not so sure its because of the counselling could be more do to with the new diet I am currently trying out. More on that in the next chapter. The bottom line is I'm not very happy with my appearance this makes me sound very shallow doesn't it? but and its a big one I'm not vain or shallow, before all of this shit hit me I was a healthy 9 stone women who hardly ever looked in the mirror or put make up on not bothered with how I looked because I was happy in my skin I wasn't exactly a super model but I was happy then this shit storm arrived and took my breast, all my confidence, my body image, and threatened my very existence. I've successfully fought this mother fucker with true grit and after all that I'm left permanently feeling like a beached whale! The counsellor suggested that I simply learn to live myself the new me but this just isn't an option, so she referred me to the dietician whom I am seeing in September and sent me away with some homework I need to write a list of a) my best qualities and b) my achievements when she asked me these two questions I found it hard to reply my first response was under 'qualities' "Creative Expression" being an artist/designer this is a fundamental part of who Sarah actually is, it makes me who I am and has formed my life thus far, how you conduct your life, being creative and pursuing art from an early age has been a catalyst in my life from my choice of friends down to the picture I present to the world. I am going to ponder on the other qualities I might have excluding the stereo typical responses that the counsellor doesn't want ie: that I am compassionate, loving, caring etc. I will continue to write down my response to these questions and others on this blog its very interesting and something I've never engaged in before.
New diet basically its the Atkins diet lo-carb's or no-carb's eating mainly organic meat including fish and shell food, eggs, salads, vegetables, snacking on fruit nuts and seeds. No sweet stuff or high carbs at all ie: no cakes, pastries, crisps, chocolate, bread, white potatoes, pasta (unless its soba noodles, buckwheat) free from all gluten and additives. Started it last Saturday and blimey! I've already started to loose weight!!!! You'd of thought I was gorging myself on all the bad things before but actually I wasn't just eating normally. I think the biggest change is bread, completely cutting it out is making a massive difference, I'm not so bloated and when I look down on my body I'm not faced with the gigantic stomach that I had become accustomed to ok so its not flat yet! but its not as bloated or tight feeling. A big THANK FUCK FOR THAT amen to a carb less diet. I've yet to start exercising properly but have been doing my usual walking around 8 miles a week, including swimming in the sea when the weather permits. My confidence is rocketing I'm finally feeling like I am winning with this ongoing battle and getting back to me. I will keep you all informed as to my progress with this and hope to be posting a pic of a skinny or skinnier me soon. I can't tell you how much happier this has made me feel. I can put up with all the other side effects including migraines, joint pain, mood swings, breathlessness but I just can't stand being weirdly over weight ie: a massive pregnant bloated stomach contributes to the breathlessness makes me feel about 100 with normal legs!!!!! This cropped up in my email box and basically tells it like it is and is exactly what I've been trying out for the past week. http://www.bcadvisor.com/molly-bain/blog/
My second counselling session complete and I'm feeling a lot better not so sure its because of the counselling could be more do to with the new diet I am currently trying out. More on that in the next chapter. The bottom line is I'm not very happy with my appearance this makes me sound very shallow doesn't it? but and its a big one I'm not vain or shallow, before all of this shit hit me I was a healthy 9 stone women who hardly ever looked in the mirror or put make up on not bothered with how I looked because I was happy in my skin I wasn't exactly a super model but I was happy then this shit storm arrived and took my breast, all my confidence, my body image, and threatened my very existence. I've successfully fought this mother fucker with true grit and after all that I'm left permanently feeling like a beached whale! The counsellor suggested that I simply learn to live myself the new me but this just isn't an option, so she referred me to the dietician whom I am seeing in September and sent me away with some homework I need to write a list of a) my best qualities and b) my achievements when she asked me these two questions I found it hard to reply my first response was under 'qualities' "Creative Expression" being an artist/designer this is a fundamental part of who Sarah actually is, it makes me who I am and has formed my life thus far, how you conduct your life, being creative and pursuing art from an early age has been a catalyst in my life from my choice of friends down to the picture I present to the world. I am going to ponder on the other qualities I might have excluding the stereo typical responses that the counsellor doesn't want ie: that I am compassionate, loving, caring etc. I will continue to write down my response to these questions and others on this blog its very interesting and something I've never engaged in before.
New diet basically its the Atkins diet lo-carb's or no-carb's eating mainly organic meat including fish and shell food, eggs, salads, vegetables, snacking on fruit nuts and seeds. No sweet stuff or high carbs at all ie: no cakes, pastries, crisps, chocolate, bread, white potatoes, pasta (unless its soba noodles, buckwheat) free from all gluten and additives. Started it last Saturday and blimey! I've already started to loose weight!!!! You'd of thought I was gorging myself on all the bad things before but actually I wasn't just eating normally. I think the biggest change is bread, completely cutting it out is making a massive difference, I'm not so bloated and when I look down on my body I'm not faced with the gigantic stomach that I had become accustomed to ok so its not flat yet! but its not as bloated or tight feeling. A big THANK FUCK FOR THAT amen to a carb less diet. I've yet to start exercising properly but have been doing my usual walking around 8 miles a week, including swimming in the sea when the weather permits. My confidence is rocketing I'm finally feeling like I am winning with this ongoing battle and getting back to me. I will keep you all informed as to my progress with this and hope to be posting a pic of a skinny or skinnier me soon. I can't tell you how much happier this has made me feel. I can put up with all the other side effects including migraines, joint pain, mood swings, breathlessness but I just can't stand being weirdly over weight ie: a massive pregnant bloated stomach contributes to the breathlessness makes me feel about 100 with normal legs!!!!! This cropped up in my email box and basically tells it like it is and is exactly what I've been trying out for the past week. http://www.bcadvisor.com/molly-bain/blog/
Saturday 8 August 2015
Counselling
Straight after the roller coaster ride of an appt. (see last post) I headed off to see my first counsellor at the local Macmillan centre. I didn't go and see anyone when I was first dx or subsequently mainly because one of the counsellors and her partner who was her boss were known to me in fact at the time they lived 2 doors down from me I didn't feel I could go into the centre or receive counselling having known them and there situation which heartbreakingly was also affected by breast cancer in that the counsellor in question had a sister die of breast cancer just as I was dx basically it was extenuating circumstances that kept me away but upon hearing that this particular person had moved on to another job I decided I try counselling out.
I wasn't sure what to expect or how to go around it, walking into the room I noticed the obligatory box of tissues and the thought passed my mind "would I really need to cry" having cried a river over cancer I wasn't sure I had any tears left inside me, anyway the session proceeded and I was pleased to see a cheerful lady in her middle years smiling at me and shaking my hand. For this post we shall call her K. I filled in the consent form that interestingly gives the counsellor permission to alert GP' about possible suicidal tendency or if she believes I would put myself in harms way. So on with the session. I started by telling her my story (which I wont bore you with now its all in the about me page) and as we continued I realised that although I'd shared most on this blog I hadn't ever verbally said any of this stuff, she asked me why I thought it was a good idea to share with another person rather than behind a keyboard after which I replied "I suppose to make it real" cue first tissue and tears rolling. It somehow does make it more real to say the words out loud, I do hate my new body or the new me, I am not the same person I was before cancer, I feel like an alien inside my own body and I don't think I will be able to accept the new me or know how to go about moving forward. K. listened to all of this and replied that she was feeling that I was not showing myself compassion, being too judgemental on myself resulting in self hatred fear and loathing, and that I need to be able to release all these feelings and learn to love myself, open flood bank and endless tissues! Tears apparently release tension. One annoying thing she did mention or "put on the table" was that I might benefit from the use of anti-depressants urghhh not that old chestnut again....... I tried anti-depressants see post and it wasn't good apart from the fact that do I really need more fucking tablets! its exasperating! Moving swiftly on the session went on for an hour and I think I did make some headway. Having said that I knew before I went in that it would probably all boil down to personal appearance being the top problem and unfortunately I was right.
All in all the first session went alright I suppose but I still don't have any answers how to go about accepting the new me and just saying those words make me seeth. I don't think I will ever 'accept' the new me and after the sketch at the hospital yesterday came home starving as we didn't eat anything prior to the appt. I decided to fast so haven't eaten for over 24 hours and might continue to fast for the next 3 or 4 days. See if I can shift some weight that way. Seriously I've tried every which way and the fucking fat wont come off its not natural and I look abnormal its got to go its the bain of my life and I fucking hate myself. So my new motto is FUCK OFF FAT by hook or by crook I'm going to loose this shit even if it kills me.
I wasn't sure what to expect or how to go around it, walking into the room I noticed the obligatory box of tissues and the thought passed my mind "would I really need to cry" having cried a river over cancer I wasn't sure I had any tears left inside me, anyway the session proceeded and I was pleased to see a cheerful lady in her middle years smiling at me and shaking my hand. For this post we shall call her K. I filled in the consent form that interestingly gives the counsellor permission to alert GP' about possible suicidal tendency or if she believes I would put myself in harms way. So on with the session. I started by telling her my story (which I wont bore you with now its all in the about me page) and as we continued I realised that although I'd shared most on this blog I hadn't ever verbally said any of this stuff, she asked me why I thought it was a good idea to share with another person rather than behind a keyboard after which I replied "I suppose to make it real" cue first tissue and tears rolling. It somehow does make it more real to say the words out loud, I do hate my new body or the new me, I am not the same person I was before cancer, I feel like an alien inside my own body and I don't think I will be able to accept the new me or know how to go about moving forward. K. listened to all of this and replied that she was feeling that I was not showing myself compassion, being too judgemental on myself resulting in self hatred fear and loathing, and that I need to be able to release all these feelings and learn to love myself, open flood bank and endless tissues! Tears apparently release tension. One annoying thing she did mention or "put on the table" was that I might benefit from the use of anti-depressants urghhh not that old chestnut again....... I tried anti-depressants see post and it wasn't good apart from the fact that do I really need more fucking tablets! its exasperating! Moving swiftly on the session went on for an hour and I think I did make some headway. Having said that I knew before I went in that it would probably all boil down to personal appearance being the top problem and unfortunately I was right.
All in all the first session went alright I suppose but I still don't have any answers how to go about accepting the new me and just saying those words make me seeth. I don't think I will ever 'accept' the new me and after the sketch at the hospital yesterday came home starving as we didn't eat anything prior to the appt. I decided to fast so haven't eaten for over 24 hours and might continue to fast for the next 3 or 4 days. See if I can shift some weight that way. Seriously I've tried every which way and the fucking fat wont come off its not natural and I look abnormal its got to go its the bain of my life and I fucking hate myself. So my new motto is FUCK OFF FAT by hook or by crook I'm going to loose this shit even if it kills me.
Friday 7 August 2015
Highs and lows
So went to the hospital for the results of my CT scan and to discuss the latest issues regarding the thyroid and cholesterol. The CT scan was good everything is stable or the same as the last scan big sigh of relief phew........
Not so good was the discussion regarding the massive 5 stone weight gain, treatments and my thyroid. Of course I didn't get to see my actual oncologist as always I see one of his minions a female Dr that for the purpose of this post shall be named Dr C. came out who is very nice BUT wow she just doesn't buy it that the treatments have made me put on this weight which I cannot shift. She told me that the thyroid wasn't anything to do with the cancer and was "something you probably always would of developed" WTF!!! so its got nothing to do with the chemo or the radiotherapy at all, bullshit! of course its to do with treatments I was fine before I got cancer I never went to the doctor and certainly never had a problem with weight gain, thyroid or cholesterol. She then proceeded to tell me that as for the weight gain I needed to watch what I was eating try to eat more green vegetables, eat smaller portions and change my diet. At this point I nearly blew but somehow managed to retain an air of calm in which I informed her of my monumental lifestyle changes she continued to prod me with "you need to do more exercise" I agree BUT I can't do to much as I get out of breath puff and pant and go deep red in the face then sweat profusely to dripping point I kid you not I actually think I am going to have a heart attack just walking up the fucking stairs!! did she listen to me did she hell!! No apparently its all my fault nothing to do with the treatments I eat too much of the wrong thing and don't exercise enough I need to swim for half an hour a day WTF!!! Luckily one of the nice nurses who has known me for as long as I've had cancer backed me up on the lifestyle changes and the organic green juicing etc the doctor just didn't want to hear it I reckon if she could of she would of sat there with both fingers stuck in her ears going lalalalala thats how far she didn't want to accept the fact that all of my problems are caused either directly or indirectly via drugs from the cancer, I have pondered on this and believe it is because if they put there hands up to this an admit its caused by treatments then they would have to deal with them, by denying it they dissolve any responsibility.
I then moved on to having my ovaries removed to which she actually giggled yes thats right laughed at me for such an absurd suggestion! not really though is it? I have ovaries that are fighting back and being kept at bay by a large nasty injection of Zoladex so why the fuck not take the bastards out and have done with it. At this point she left the room to check with my Onc. who sits in another room WHY!!!! god only knows whilst she was out of the room I chatted with the BCN who was just as mystified by the callous response to my questions she told me I could get a second opinion! Dr C. came back to inform me that my Onc. agreed with her that I didn't need my ovaries out. Just for the record I DONT FUCKING AGREE WITH EITHER OF THEM.
Of course what she doesn't know is that one of the so called life saving drugs Arimidex I haven't been taking they prescribed it for me last year after I stopped taking the Tamoxifen telling me that it would be better than Tamoxifen and wouldn't make me put on any weight, after reading the side effects lists I beg to differ weight gain being the most prominent problem with Arimidex so I chose not to take it but have been keeping it a secret from them at the hospital. It is a worry and I have really wrestled with this one but I decided I would rather not be around if I am the size of a house and have to be wheeled round in a chair. Again quality over quantity is my moto and I am sticking to it. The Arimidex is a blocker for oestrogen the Zoladex stops the ovaries from producing oestrogen.
I also asked about the possible removal of my remaining massive breast. I can't wear a bra as my Lymphoedema is on my right hand side torso every time I do wear a bra I get a lot of pain, recently went to a wedding and had to come home early because it was causing me so much pain. It was suggested that I go see the Lymph nurse again....... I don't find that it really helps that much certainly not enough to stop the pain when wearing a bra. So I hit another brick wall.
To end the discussion she pointed out that I am stable and that all the drugs they have so far given me are working and will continue to work for the time being. This kind of shuts me up and makes me feel guilty for even bringing up the subject. She wasn't interested in the fact that I juice organic green veg, take supplements walk 5 miles a day, don't eat potatoes, bread or dairy. I am left with this problem what is the point in living if you feel like utter shit and contemplate suicide? Why have I been through all of this shit to come out feeling like life is worthless?
Not so good was the discussion regarding the massive 5 stone weight gain, treatments and my thyroid. Of course I didn't get to see my actual oncologist as always I see one of his minions a female Dr that for the purpose of this post shall be named Dr C. came out who is very nice BUT wow she just doesn't buy it that the treatments have made me put on this weight which I cannot shift. She told me that the thyroid wasn't anything to do with the cancer and was "something you probably always would of developed" WTF!!! so its got nothing to do with the chemo or the radiotherapy at all, bullshit! of course its to do with treatments I was fine before I got cancer I never went to the doctor and certainly never had a problem with weight gain, thyroid or cholesterol. She then proceeded to tell me that as for the weight gain I needed to watch what I was eating try to eat more green vegetables, eat smaller portions and change my diet. At this point I nearly blew but somehow managed to retain an air of calm in which I informed her of my monumental lifestyle changes she continued to prod me with "you need to do more exercise" I agree BUT I can't do to much as I get out of breath puff and pant and go deep red in the face then sweat profusely to dripping point I kid you not I actually think I am going to have a heart attack just walking up the fucking stairs!! did she listen to me did she hell!! No apparently its all my fault nothing to do with the treatments I eat too much of the wrong thing and don't exercise enough I need to swim for half an hour a day WTF!!! Luckily one of the nice nurses who has known me for as long as I've had cancer backed me up on the lifestyle changes and the organic green juicing etc the doctor just didn't want to hear it I reckon if she could of she would of sat there with both fingers stuck in her ears going lalalalala thats how far she didn't want to accept the fact that all of my problems are caused either directly or indirectly via drugs from the cancer, I have pondered on this and believe it is because if they put there hands up to this an admit its caused by treatments then they would have to deal with them, by denying it they dissolve any responsibility.
I then moved on to having my ovaries removed to which she actually giggled yes thats right laughed at me for such an absurd suggestion! not really though is it? I have ovaries that are fighting back and being kept at bay by a large nasty injection of Zoladex so why the fuck not take the bastards out and have done with it. At this point she left the room to check with my Onc. who sits in another room WHY!!!! god only knows whilst she was out of the room I chatted with the BCN who was just as mystified by the callous response to my questions she told me I could get a second opinion! Dr C. came back to inform me that my Onc. agreed with her that I didn't need my ovaries out. Just for the record I DONT FUCKING AGREE WITH EITHER OF THEM.
Of course what she doesn't know is that one of the so called life saving drugs Arimidex I haven't been taking they prescribed it for me last year after I stopped taking the Tamoxifen telling me that it would be better than Tamoxifen and wouldn't make me put on any weight, after reading the side effects lists I beg to differ weight gain being the most prominent problem with Arimidex so I chose not to take it but have been keeping it a secret from them at the hospital. It is a worry and I have really wrestled with this one but I decided I would rather not be around if I am the size of a house and have to be wheeled round in a chair. Again quality over quantity is my moto and I am sticking to it. The Arimidex is a blocker for oestrogen the Zoladex stops the ovaries from producing oestrogen.
I also asked about the possible removal of my remaining massive breast. I can't wear a bra as my Lymphoedema is on my right hand side torso every time I do wear a bra I get a lot of pain, recently went to a wedding and had to come home early because it was causing me so much pain. It was suggested that I go see the Lymph nurse again....... I don't find that it really helps that much certainly not enough to stop the pain when wearing a bra. So I hit another brick wall.
To end the discussion she pointed out that I am stable and that all the drugs they have so far given me are working and will continue to work for the time being. This kind of shuts me up and makes me feel guilty for even bringing up the subject. She wasn't interested in the fact that I juice organic green veg, take supplements walk 5 miles a day, don't eat potatoes, bread or dairy. I am left with this problem what is the point in living if you feel like utter shit and contemplate suicide? Why have I been through all of this shit to come out feeling like life is worthless?
Wednesday 5 August 2015
Blood test results
Finally got hold of the GP who ordered the blood test's to verify the status of my thyroid although have to say she wasn't keen on testing my thyroid she seemed to think I needed a test for my blood sugar. So the results were as I thought something is wrong with my thyroid its under active so this means I might need thyroxine tablets to balance it up, however the GP wasn't worried about it and said that usually in this instance they would test me again in 3 months and then if all was the same they would prescribe thyroxine tablets, BUT as I am a cancer patient she didn't know if this new drug would interfere with any of the other drugs I am on so it waiting until I've seen my oncologist which is fairly soon at 11.30 this Friday. I thought that was all but no there is more..... my cholesterol levels are off the scale!!! what the fuck!!!!! I was like "thats to do with diet isn't it?" GP said "yes it can be but in your case its probably to do with all the treatments and drugs unbalancing your body etc" my response was "what shall we do about it" GP reply "I'd rather deal with the thyroid problem first and then we will look at the cholesterol" my response is "urghhhhhhhhhhhh" for fuck sake!!!! So if the cancer doesn't kill me then the cholesterol will eh!!!! GP doesn't seem to want to jump on this and I am very worried about it, herceptin affects your heart muscle not in a good way otherwise they wouldn't be checking my heart every 3 months and now this high cholesterol means my poor ticker is wacked out!!!! Will be seeing my dear Onc. this Friday and taking the test results in so he can ponder over it see what he comes up with. I'll keep you informed of my progress and of course the much anticipated CT scan results urghhhhh it never rains and then it fucking pours..........
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