Thursday 30 November 2017

CT Scaniety.....

Yep its that time of year again....no not just xmas....but yep you guessed it scan time!
It seems to come round so quickly and its my pet dread, not the actually scan its the hunt a vein game, my veins are shot from all the chemo so each time they need to put a cannula in me its a nightmare. I have to arrive 45mins before my appointment because it can take that long for them to get it in, then sometimes they try so many times they can't try anymore and I have to have the scan without contrast dye, the dye is very important it helps give them the best possible picture of my insides. However, this time although I was in dread, the lovely lady that dealt with me managed to get a little known vein in the crease of my arm which apparently pops up when you slightly bend and twist the arm. Apparently she discovered this vein when she was injecting heroin addicts and ever since has been using it on those of us affected with bad veins including chemo patients. I was eternally grateful to her for finding the vein and causing no pain, but not with being grouped in with the heroin addicts! lol.

Its done.....and over with for the next 6 months, now its playing the other part of the game the waiting bit. Results should be in by my next Onc. appointment which is scheduled for the 8th of December.

Wednesday 4 October 2017

Getting the balance back

Its been a while since I last posted and I am happy to report, all is ok on the cancer front and I am adjusting to life without the ovaries. Hot flushes are still an unfortunate part of my life and I do hate them BUT winter is coming and the weather is cooler so life becomes less hot and bothered.

Last week I had a appointment with my new oncologist Dr G. is amazing I really get on with her and 
its been a long time since I actually spoke with a full fledged Onc. as my previous Onc. sadly died of liver cancer however, I always seemed to be dealt with by registrars. I've complained a lot of times about feeling out of balance, my size 32 chest has grown to a size 42 on the remaining breast and its a pain, not only is it massive and heavy its exasperated by the fact I can't wear a bra, I've tried every bra known to mankind and none of them are supportive and pain free. My problem is I had a lot of lymph nodes out and due to the fact that I was skinny (size 8 back then) the nodes were in with all the muscle which my surgeon had to dissect, it took him ages and he had to cut through muscle, my armpit area and my torso on the right hand side are badly scarred and so whenever I wear a bra no matter what type it digs into my scar tissue and ends up feeling very painful, so much so that I have to take the bra off after only half an hour! So this leaves me not wearing a bra most of the time and feeling very out of balance, Dr G. could see how out of balance I was carrying myself and suggested that she would refer me to a breast surgeon who could perform a mastectomy of the left hand side breast as a life enhancing operation. Fantastic! So I am now waiting for an appointment to see a breast surgeon and whilst they have a policy of not operating on a healthy breast they might when they realise how out of balance I carry myself and the ramifications of this on my body and life. Considering they perform breast enlargement on the NHS I think this isn't a big ask, considering what I've got and what I've been through. Dr G did explain that it wouldn't be this year as its not an emergency which is fine by me, I'd rather have it next year anyway. So fingers crossed this will happen and I will be rid of the massive boob that blights my life.

Sunday 13 August 2017

Life after ovaries operation...

Its been around 3 weeks since my ovaries were removed and so far I've had 3 migraines (I was up to around 4 a week previously) which is absolutely amazing and something I didn't anticipate, I also didn't think the hot flushes would get any better but bizarrely they have improved drastically, I no longer have the pulsating red face when I get a hot flush, rather sweat for a couple of minutes which pours off of my face then it stops and for once in 6 years I actually feel the cold, went out to the annual fireworks show and was feeling the cold, I was over joyed by this other people looked at me in astonishment but to me it was a major breakthrough, finally I can wear my cardigans and leggings without stripping down to a thin sleeveless dress all the time.

I am healing well where the scars are and they are literally disappearing before my eyes the only downside is I've put on a couple of pounds, not a huge amount but a bit of a disappointment, however I'm not going to let this get me down and rejoice at the migraine and hot flush results. I can safely say I am now post-menopausal just waiting for all the nasty side effects to stop and the results so far are giving me a much needed boost that this can and will happen. All in all I am very pleased with these results and feel happy in myself.

My father is battling the effects of his 2nd stroke and after 4 months in hospital! he is now in his own room in a convalescence home which we hope and pray he will improve in the next month or so and then finally return home. Its been a long 4 months but strokes really do take a long time to recover from, I don't think you ever really return to your normal self, but thankfully due to my brothers quickness in getting an ambulance, we believe this has saved as much of him as possible. I pray everyday for him and love him very much.

Thursday 3 August 2017

Della has departed but never forgotten.....

I don't really know where to start with this, tears over this, the wonderful Della has passed away, I didn't realise it was that bad, I knew she was struggling and prayed for her every day. This fucking vile disease takes yet another beautiful soul from the planet. The only consolation is she is no longer suffering. RIP discombobulated one, you were a tower of strength and an inspiration to all.

Night night Disco Della, I pray your dancing away up there in heaven having a ball, far away on the other side, blinding everyone with your brilliant light, leaving us all in the dark, but for the wit and writing in your wonderful blog http://discombobulateddel.blogspot.co.uk/ to console us.

Missing you so much. xx

Ovaries gone

It all happened so quickly one minute quietly going about my daily business not considering that within days my ovaries operation would happen. Both ovaries, fallopian tubes and a large polyp thingy have been removed, gone, goodbye, fini. Yep went into hospital at 7am came out on same day at 7pm a whole 12 hour stint in there bloody hell fire that was a full on kind of day. How do I feel? pretty much the same but for a bit sore around the abdomen also very itchy where the skin is mending other than that all is good. So far since op I've had one migraine WOW (I was suffering with up to 4 a week) and hot flushes are minimal and when they do happen they are nowhere near as bad as before. Mental or what? Didn't anticipate the plus side of having it all removed other than the obvious in that I don't have to have the Zoladex implant anymore Hurray! and Im not producing estrogen from my god dam ovaries YAY. So I will continue to talk to you all about this and any plus's that might arise in the area of weight loss, (secretly hoping that this might be a bloody fantastic side effect). My gynae consultant/surgeon came and saw me afterwards he told me that due to chemo my bowel had dropped inside and in doing so was now touching one of my ovaries, he said the part that was touching on my bowel was inflamed and looked very angry, so aside from the list above I would also like to add that I am so glad they have taken them, all sorts of problems from things touching each other that shouldn't be touching. This was a hidden benefit that I hadn't anticipated, so all in all totally happy with my decision to remove said ovaries and any possibility of getting ovarian cancer due to the Zoladex implant which apparently increased my risk ten fold. So adios amigos I wont miss em and I certainly wont mourn there loss.

Monday 3 July 2017

High blood pressure, cholesterol, thyroid and possible diabetes????

Ok as you will presume from the title of this post I'm being tested for all of the above. High blood pressure due to it being in the family and I've only just found out. High cholesterol as when I have my thyroid checked they found and I quote my GP "your cholesterol level is off the scale" then never got back to me on it as she wanted to concentrate on the thyroid problem first which then seemed to disappear and all was forgotten about until I went in demanding a blood test to which another GP exclaimed "ah yes we were going to get you back in for checks as your blood pressure was high as was your cholesterol and also a little problem with both thyroid and possible diabetes" uh yeah!!! So whilst this doesn't worry me (only a little) it is annoying to find out I was in possible danger before but they forgot about me. Anyway I've had the blasted blood test now waiting for results urghhhh..... when will it ever end. Will keep you all posted on the results.

UPDATE I am now on Statins, as my cholesterol is sky high, considering I don't eat dairy and try to live a green, clean life with the odd cake chucked in once in a blue moon I can honestly say I don't know what to do about it. My new GP told me that she believes its side effects from all the chemo, and other drugs I am on and has nothing to do with what I eat or how much I exercise, so another bloody pill to take on a daily basis. My blood pressure was also high so for the past week I've been checking it twice a day and it does seem to go up and down. I am also borderline diabetic which they will continue to monitor and at present I don't need to go on drugs.

Cancer just keeps giving and giving.......

Tuesday 6 June 2017

Massive news.....

Last Friday I went in for the results of my latest CT scan, the last one I actually had with dye contrast (they managed to get a needle in) so I was secretly dreading the outcome (you can see more with the contrast) basically I've got the all clear! Yep its happened I've got the all clear, the cancer on both lungs and liver has disappeared or as the Onc's Reg explained its so tiny we can't detect it on the CT scan. This is the best news ever........I am such a lucky, lucky, lucky girl. I knew about the lungs from the start but only found out by accident about the liver when I read a scan report that mentioned lesions on my liver!!! So for them to declare no sign of disease in both lungs and liver is mind blowing. Whilst I was feeling elated the Onc's Reg quickly came back to me with "but of course your never really going to get rid of it, its always going to be there, eventually it will come back, but we will deal with that as and when it shows itself, in the meantime your to continue indefinitely on Herceptin and Anastrozole" and swiftly back down to earth again with a thud. Yep they sure know how to drag you on that roller coaster don't they? I don't care what they say as far as I'm concerned I'm cancer free and I'm not going to let anyone bring me down about this news.

I am living proof that cancer by its very nature of being random can for no reason of its own just disappear. Obviously I've been down the clean and green path (although have too say I've fallen off the wagon recently and enjoy chocolate, biscuits and cake), I've taken every supplement known to man, taken a shit load of cannabis oil (especially in the first year of being dx), I've gone down the conventional route of being poisoned, cut and burned, all in all I've thrown everything at this shit and something has worked or is working and long may it continue.

Whilst walking on air out of the oncology department I waited outside for the other half to pick me up, another lady was waiting and we got chatting, she told me about her dx in her 40's (like me) over 20 years ago!!! with breast cancer, and that it had only just decided to show itself again and now she has all these options and drugs to try out, she told me to stay positive and live my life, she was a breath of fresh air, I figured that as I turn 50 this year if I get another 20 years of life I'll be 70 and that would be ok with me. I wouldn't want to live any longer than that anyway (after watching people in there 80s, 90s including my own grandmother who lived to 103 once you get to a certain age its best to go peacefully than to hang on to life that is full of illness and suffering).

In view of trying to maintain a normal-ish life I wont be posting as often as I used to and whilst this blog has been a constant source of comfort and help in venting and ranting, I would like to try and put the monkey on my shoulder even further behind me and in the distance. Of course I will from time to time post and will keep all of my readers up to date with surgery etc If anyone would like to speak to me or discuss anything at all please leave a comment and I will get back to you.

Remember to LIVE FOR THE MOMENT and SAVOUR EVERY SECOND.
LOVE AND LIGHT TO ALL  OF YOU. XXXX


Monday 22 May 2017

Goodbye Ovaries

As the title of this post would suggest I have made up my mind and I am having them removed. I had an appointment at 11o'clock on Friday to see my newest edition to the 'Sarah Team' Gynaecologist Mr. H. who is very nice and really put my mind at ease, he performs the operation at least once a month and said it wouldn't make any difference to me other than not having to have Zoladex every 3 months. Also whilst I was there he checked out the Polyp thingy and yes its large and bearing down on my womb making me feel like I had a prolapse, its too big to remove whilst I am awake so he's removing it and the ovaries all at the same time whilst I am out of it, so all in all think I've made the right decision to have the operation. So appointment was at 11 he then sent me down for pre-ops where I was hours, I eventually got out of there at 3.30 feeling frazzled but relieved that that is now done, now I have to wait for the letter informing me when Im going in for the op.

Tuesday 16 May 2017

Scan Update

All is ok, I had a phone call from my Onc's secretary yesterday telling me that the scan results were fine....... and breath. I was surprised that no one had sent me a letter with a results appointment but then this has happened before, waiting endlessly for results seems to be the new normal. See post headed Scanxiety.

A reprieve for 6 months YAY, no scan until September, but due to continued Herceptin I have to go in for an oncology appointment every 12 weeks.


Friday 12 May 2017

Bra-less

This is the first time I've shared my remaining massive boob problem. So I've gone from a size 32aa to a 42c its crackers and its taken me time to adjust to the massive boob but Im sick of it, its a constant reminder that Im ill or have been very ill, it hangs there useless and big and shouts out big boob with a problem to all that manage to chance a look. My main problem is I can't wear a bra it hurts me so much, I've worked out that when they took the lymph nodes out they must of taken some out of the torso of my body because I don't get lymphedema in the usual place ie: my arm its on the side of my body where the bra strap crosses, I kid you not it bloody kills if I put a bra on, I wore a bra to a wedding and after an hour wearing it I had to take it off in the loo's as it was killing me. So this leaves me bra less the majority of the time and having to wear things that cover up constantly. Obviously this is having a knock on effect and doesn't help my self confidence at all, the big boob is getting bigger and more droopy and I feel ugly and shit. I wished they'd of taken both the boobs at the same time at least I would be balanced, but they refused saying "I never operate on a healthy breast" uh I have secondary breast cancer both of them are pretty unhealthy. So I've phoned breast care nurse and mentioned this problem to her, she didn't realise this was the reason why I don't wear a bra and sympathised with me but told me this posed a problem that she didn't know the answer to so I'm waiting to hear what she comes up with, she did mention about reconstruction, something I decided against when I had the mastectomy but this might help my current bra less situation, I don't know but will keep you all posted.

Wednesday 10 May 2017

Decisions, decisions.......shitty decisions

Just received my letter telling me to come for a consultation with my gynaecologist in relation to my decision about whether or not to an Oophorectomy.

I don't know why I am feeling odd about this, I suppose its easier discussing this than it actually becoming a reality. It feels like the end of my life as a woman. Its ridiculous really I wanted this to happen, I've actively been chasing this operation and the rational side of me is saying "this makes sense, get the bloody useless things removed"BUT. I didn't feel this way about having my breast removed it didn't bother me in the same way, I was practically joyous about having a mastectomy but then it was more black and white, get rid of it, no more cancer etc. This however is totally different. I know my ovaries are being shut down every 3 months with a massive injection that I hate, I know I am in menopause and that the chance of ever having children is over, its so stupid I know all of these facts but still feel weird about having the operation done. The appointment is on the 14th and I know I have to have this done, its a no brainer, children aren't an option and I'm sick of the Zoladex.

I guess the answer is yes just needed to sound off a bit and get it all out.
Thanks for being here.

Friday 5 May 2017

Epiphany and an annoyance

We will start with an epiphany so whilst reading the Guardian today I chanced across an interview with Nick Cave the rather dark/goth musician of Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. The interview was about his forth coming new album but also his life and more importantly his coping strategies in the aftermath of his 15 year old son's death from using LSD, he fell from the cliffs in Brighton. Very very sad untimely early death of someone so young, must of been appalling for Nick and his family. During the interview he talked about what it's like to face such immense grief and being a creative here's what he said and I quote:

 "like there's this thing and there's no way to navigate it, it just sits there and fills up all the space, it fills your body, it's like a physical thing. You can feel it pressing against the insides of your fingers. There's just no room for the luxury of creation".

It struck me that I could relate to this from my own personal trauma with cancer whilst also being artistic, I've found painting to be difficult since this cancer shit storm started, I can't seem to get my head round it, nothing seems to matter, things I used to value aren't so important, life is lived day by day, I still cannot plan ahead or find this a difficult task, ultimately I need to get my creative mojo back, but how? Sometimes I think we just have to embrace all of what life throws at us including the confusion, the lack of self esteem or enthusiasm, we literally have to go with the flow ride out the storm in the hope of calm waters on the other side, we have to let go, what will be will be in the words of Paul Mcartney 'let it be'. In the meantime I am praying the passion I once had for my art returns and gives me back my life force.

Now for the annoyance. I'm a very forgiving individual and after a fairly rough ride over the past 2 years and a huge disappointment relating to a 'friend' I decided to let bygones be bygones and move on, she extended the olive branch and I decided to give it a go, nothing was mentioned of the recent past dispute we just acted as if nothing had happened, however since then something else has come to light which confirms my opinion of her as not trustworthy and sneaky so back to not wanting that person in my life again, it's a minor set back and in the whole scheme of things I've a lot more to be worried about, but needed to air this get it off my chest. Thanks for being here xx

Wednesday 12 April 2017

Scanxiety.......

Yep, its that time again, just had a CT scan this time with contrast. Over the past year they couldn't get a cannula into my veins so I couldn't have the scan with contrast which provides a better all round picture, this time however I went to oncology where the experienced chemo nurses were able to get a cannula in and I had the CT with contrast. This has thrown me into a an anxious, worried person whose not feeling up to much at the moment, praying the results are all good or at the very least stable and so this joyless, shitty ride continues...........

I've said it before and I'll say it again FUCKING CANCER.....

In other news, my father has had yet another stroke this time affecting his lefthand side almost a year to the day of the last one. Feel so much for the poor old fella, he's hanging on in there by the skin of his teeth, he can't swallow so is now on a peg for nutrition, water and medication, his memory is shaky sometimes he's with us and sometimes he's most definitely not, so upsetting. He's been in hospital for a month now and isn't likely to come out anytime soon, so I've been staying at my folks house supporting my brother and mum although I'm home at the moment because I need my own bed once in a while and of course I had hospital appointments. I am being kept up to date of his progress and will be going up again soon to stay and visit.

Spring has arrived and is utterly gorgeous as per usual, feel so grateful to still be around appreciating natures awesome beauty although it is somewhat tainted with the current state of affairs.

Tuesday 14 March 2017

Blushwood Berry and EBC-46

Over the years I've come across loads of supposed cancer cures, most of which are proved not to cure cancer, so I was kind of sceptical when I chanced across this its a tree called Blushwood from Queensland, Australia. Scientists have extracted a component from the berry of the tree which they have named EBC-46 which has been proven to kill cancer tumours. So far they have tested it successfully on animals and have just started using it in clinical trials on humans. The cancers that have responded to this drug or skin, colon, breast, head and neck. It works by making the white blood cells within the body react to the tumour and kill it. Here's a couple of links and info I've found out on this, I have to say from what I've read online it seems very promising certainly brings hope. In fact in Australia people have been trying to extract there own cancer fighting drug from the plant and stories are circulating that they have been poisoning themselves!  to which I have to chime in with isn't chemo a poison? and doesn't chemo derive from a plant?

Big pharmaceutical companies won't like that a berry could potentially blow them out of the water leaving them high and dry and not making the billions they do out of cancer treatments, that don't work. Just saying....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqCNMzFGc8k

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/oct/08/cancer-tumours-destroyed-by-berry-queensland-rainforest

Wednesday 22 February 2017

What the Polyp is that.........

"What the fuck is that...... " I said when the nurse who was giving me a smear test announced whilst she was at the business end "oh you have a large polyp". Apparently I have a large Polyp in my vagina wall, its a lump (yes another fucking lump) that thankfully is benign....phew.....sigh of relief. The nurse promptly ran off to bring a Dr (thankfully a woman Dr) to take a peek at my neither regions and she confirmed what the nurse said. So a Polyp is a bit like a skin tag but downstairs, and mine is very big and is actually pushing on the walls of my insides, I've been feeling uncomfortable downstairs for sometime and I thought it had something to do with the menopause and a possible prolapse womb, but no I was wrong its a lumpy thing. Urghhh...... of course I panicked as soon as she said lump and had to wait for the Dr to come and take a look before I could breath a huge sigh of relief. Anything lumpy will always take me back to that day 6 years ago when another large lump was found on my lady hump leaving me in a state of sheer terror. So I've googled Polyps and found out the following information:

The exact reason that polyps form is unknown, but swings in hormone levels may be a factor. Estrogen, which plays a role in causing the endometrium to thicken each month, also appears to be linked to the growth of uterine polyps.

What are cervical polyps?
Cervical polyps are small, elongated tumors that grow on the cervix. The cervix is the narrow canal at the bottom of the uterus that extends into the vagina. The cervix connects the uterine cavity and the upper portion of the vagina. It acts as the passageway for sperm to fertilize an egg, which could result in pregnancy. During labor, the cervix becomes thinner and wider. This allows the baby to pass through the birth canal.

Polyps are fragile structures that grow from stalks rooted on the surface of the cervix or inside of the cervical canal. If someone has polyps, usually only one polyp is present, and two or three at most.

Cervical polyps are usually benign, or not cancerous, and cervical cancer rarely arises from them. Most cervical cancers are due to the human papilloma virus (HPV), which is also the cause of genital warts.

Symptoms of cervical polyps
Polyps on the cervix may not cause any noticeable symptoms. However, see your gynaecologist right away if you experience vaginal discharge of white or yellow mucus, or abnormally heavy periods.

You should also call your doctor if you experience vaginal spotting or bleeding:
after sexual intercourse
between periods
after douching
after menopause

Some of these symptoms can also be signs of cancer. In rare cases, polyps represent an early phase of cervical cancer. Removing them helps reduce this risk.


Why polyps occur?
It isn’t fully understood why cervical polyps occur. Their formation may be linked to:
increased levels of estrogen, which is the female sex hormone
chronic inflammation of the cervix, vagina, or uterus
clogged blood vessels
High estrogen levels

Estrogen levels naturally fluctuate throughout a woman’s life. Your estrogen levels will be highest during childbearing years, during any pregnancies, and in the months leading up to menopause.

Man-made chemicals that mimic estrogen are present in the environment. For example, xenoestrogens are in commercially produced meats and dairy products. Chemical estrogens can also be released into food that’s heated.

So there you have it bloody fucking Estrogen again..... WTF....... god I'm sick of these dammed hormones.

On a plus note I've decided after chatting with the nurse today and with the Polyp in mind that probably the best decision regarding ovaries is to have the bastards out, and whilst they are taking those out they can remove said polyp. 

Sunday 5 February 2017

Ovaries v Zoladex

On Friday I had an appointment at the hospital in a new department the Gynaecology dept. it was my first consultation on the possible removal of my ovaries and apparently tubes. I've been on Zoladex which is a 3 monthly injection with the largest needle possible of an implant through the stomach to shut down my ovaries, this works very well and apart from the very unpleasant brace yourself injection, nothing else bothered me (or so I thought), every time I go for the injection I become anxious and experience a panic attack, so afterwards I feel extremely fraught and fragile.

The consultant I saw was a very pleasant man although have too say why are gynaecologist's always men? I would of rather of seen a female. Back to the story..... he explained to me that Zoladex shuts my ovaries down and that taking my ovaries and tubes out would basically remove the need for this unpleasant injection, also he mentioned that some women experience very depressed feelings and this explains that whilst I am on anti-depressants for the hot flushes I still experience extremely depressed moods and thought I was going crackers but clearly I'm not! I realise it's the Zoladex. We discussed the possible repercussions of having both ovaries out to which he seemed to think I would feel no different than what I do presently as the Zoladex had officially closed my ovaries down. So I am now waiting for another appointment in 3 months time, in the meantime I need to decide if I definitely want to have the operation, get a smear test yuk, and a Braca's gene test, I don't think I've had this test done so far and apparently if confirmed positive would increase the possibility of developing a womb cancer and of course increasing the possibility of breast cancer returning.

So what to do....... I thought I was sure about this but now feel a bit weirded out by it, will keep you all informed of my decision in the meantime if anybody reading this can advise I would be most appreciative, just leave a comment thanks xxxx

Wednesday 18 January 2017

New year fresh start

Hi all and welcome to the new me. I'm starting this year by clearing out the clutter not just on a physical level but emotionally and spiritual. This is something I've needed to do for a very long time and for whatever reason I've avoided doing it.

Dealing with the physical clutter was easy, a couple of trips to the refuse tip and we were rid of unwanted junk lying around and now have a clear attic. My partners garage is the only space that hasn't been sorted but that's his domain!

Whilst going through my stuff I came across this piece of wood, a relic from the month I was dx back in Feb 2011, just before my cancer journey I'd gone out collecting wood (we have a wood burner our only source of heat) whilst collecting I came across this unusual piece of wood which looked like a knot instead of burning it I distinctly remember placing it on my fire mantel and staring at it, after being dx I got the erie realisation that this piece of wood not only resembled a knot but also looked like the breast cancer logo ribbon and I had been looking at this for weeks prior to my dx, I took this as a sign from spirit and have held onto it all these years I feel I no longer need this object in my life it has served it's purpose in reminding me that there are signs everywhere if we care to look, so this week I placed it on the fire.





























Whilst physical stuff is easy to get rid of the emotional baggage is very difficult, we all carry some emotional burden whether its from the past or the present it represents all we have been through or are going through emotionally, it helps us to acknowledge it, learn from it and move on.

Unfortunately some of emotions can fester in our brains pulling us down, going round and round in circles until we are confused and depressed. Most of my emotional baggage has an attachment to a person or persons or a situation that has proved distressing. Every time I speak to or see these people the unpleasant feelings and emotional stress regurgitates, forgiveness is always an option and some may argue the only option, but I don't think its all about forgiving, I've already forgiven but just can't forget. Most arguments have a point where confrontation occurs this has already happened but when the other person can't see where they have gone wrong or can't acknowledge that they have made a mistake then apologies aren't forth coming, to put it bluntly I need that apology to make sense of what has happened, then we can all move forward. The apology is not forth coming, the lying that has occurred still haunts and upsets me, the only way forward is to cleanse my life of these toxic people and move on to pastures new. I am afraid if I don't do this I might get ill again.

With all of this in mind I intend to keep those that are at the centre at arms length and put some distance between us. I've found this to be a great help so far and intend to continue along this route, when all else fails this is the only choice. I've realised this is good for me and have been through the upsetting phase of anger, upset, tears, confusion,  these feelings have subsided and I hold no grudges against any of those involved, I just want some closure, writing this out has helped me put things into perspective and I forgive them.

I can now say Happy New Year and mean it from my heart, I've poured my heart out in this post and I needed to, carrying all this around has been torturous, I feel like I have cleansed my heart and soul.