SIGNS
After I was dx I started to realise that I had in fact been given warning signs, the breast cancer logo a ribbon looped was the first sign, we have a wood burner our only source of heat in the flat, being surrounded by woodlands we go out and collect wood sometime back in January 2011 I was out collecting wood one particular piece was an unusual shape I now realise its a ribbon loop just like the breast cancer logo and I had been staring at this piece of wood as I'd placed it on top of the fireplace I took that as a massive hint, I had also started painting my chosen theme was space and the stars I'd started to paint a nebulae this was hint no 2 as it resembled a lump, I cut out the canvas from its frame and burnt it in the fire, hint no 3 came in the form of a series of drawings of Glastonbury Tor when viewed in silhouette it looks like a breast, you could say all of this was coincidence but I don't think so I only wish I'd of heeded the warnings earlier but I was too caught up in chasing life, money and ambitions to acknowledge that something was terribly wrong with my body. I feel I was being shown these signs by spirit, I feel loved and looked after by my spirit guides.
Rainbows and Butterflies
Last year whilst still going for chemo at the hospital I noticed on the drive up to the hospital nearly every time a rainbow in the sky, I also painted a picture of a rainbow over a stormy sea with one sailing boat in it please see below, another oddity was I found myself thinking about butterflies I even dreamed about them, whilst reading Bernie Seigels book Love Medicine and Miracles he mentions both rainbow's and butterflies in the same sentence, here's the symbolism attached to them:
Rainbows are a sign of hope
Butterflies are a sign of regeneration/transformation.
It wasn't until I read that book and now realise the message being conveyed to me, the rainbows in the sky were trying to show me that if I had nothing else I had hope and the butterflies were pointing towards changing my life regenerating and transforming into the butterfly I truly am inside.
Sending you all rainbows and butterflies.x.
SONGS
I woke up this morning with this song in my head I think it is especially weird because it is Mothers Day, I had to look it up and find the lyrics on line its a song by Chrissie Hynde of The Pretenders (I'm sure she wont mind me posting this) in particular the words "She will always carry on, something is lost something is found" I've been waking up to music in my head now ever since I was dx and believe it is spirit talking to me or trying to convey a message.
Let me inside you
Into your room
I've heard it's lined with the things you don't show
Lay me beside you
Down on the floor
I've been your lover From the womb to the tomb
I dress as your daughter
When the moon becomes round
You be my mother
When everything's gone
Chorus:
And she will always carry on
Something is lost
But something is found
They will keep on speaking her name
Some things change
Some stay the same
Keep beckoning to me
From behind that closed door
The maid and the mother
And the crone that's grown old I hear your voice
Coming out of that hole I listen to you
And I want some more I listen to you
And I want some more
CHORUS:
And she will always carry on
Something is lost
But something is found
They will keep on speaking her name
Some things change
Some stay the same
Let me inside you
Into your room I've heard it's lined
With the things you don't show Lay me beside you
Down on the floor I've been your lover
From the womb to the tomb I dress as your daughter
When the moon becomes round
You be my mother
When everything's gone
And she will always carry on
Something is lost
But something is found
They will keep on speaking her name
Somethings change Some stay the same
Keep beckoning to me
From behind that closed door
The maid and the mother
And the crone that's grown old I hear your voice
Coming out of that hole I listen to you
And I want some more I listen to you
And I want some more
And she will always carry on
Something is lost
But something is found
They will keep on speaking her name
Some things change
Some stay the same
Happy Mothers Day to all
Love and light Sarahxx
Woke up with this song in my head and think its a bit naughty lol.
Show Me Heaven by Maria Mckee
There you go
Flashing fever
From your eyes
Hey baby, come over here
And shut them tight
I´m not denyin´
We´re flying above it all
Hold my hand
Don´t let me fall
You´ve such
Amazing grace
I´ve never felt this way
[Chorus:]
Oh, show me heaven
Cover me
Leave me breathless
Oh, show me heaven, babe
Here I go I´m shakin´
Just like the breeze
Hey baby, I need your hand
To steady me
I´m not denyin´
I´m frightened as much as you
Though I´m barely touching you
I´ve shivers
Down my spine
And it feels divine
[Chorus:]
If you know what it´s like
To dream a dream
Baby hold me tight
And let this be
[Chorus:]
Howard Jones song 'Hide and Seek' was on my mind when I woke up this morning
There was a time when there was nothing at all
Nothing at all
Just a distant hum.
There was a being and he lived on his own
He had no one to talk to and nothing to do.
He drew up the plans
Learnt to work with his hands
A million years passed by and his work was done.
And his words where these:
Woke up with this song in my head and think its a bit naughty lol.
Show Me Heaven by Maria Mckee
There you go
Flashing fever
From your eyes
Hey baby, come over here
And shut them tight
I´m not denyin´
We´re flying above it all
Hold my hand
Don´t let me fall
You´ve such
Amazing grace
I´ve never felt this way
[Chorus:]
Oh, show me heaven
Cover me
Leave me breathless
Oh, show me heaven, babe
Here I go I´m shakin´
Just like the breeze
Hey baby, I need your hand
To steady me
I´m not denyin´
I´m frightened as much as you
Though I´m barely touching you
I´ve shivers
Down my spine
And it feels divine
[Chorus:]
If you know what it´s like
To dream a dream
Baby hold me tight
And let this be
[Chorus:]
Howard Jones song 'Hide and Seek' was on my mind when I woke up this morning
There was a time when there was nothing at all
Nothing at all
Just a distant hum.
There was a being and he lived on his own
He had no one to talk to and nothing to do.
He drew up the plans
Learnt to work with his hands
A million years passed by and his work was done.
And his words where these:
Hope you find it in everything
Everything that you see
Hope you find it in everything
Everything that you see
Hope you find it
Hope you find it
Hope you find me in you.
So she had built her
Elaborate home with it's ups and
It's downs
It's rain and it's sun.
She decided that her work
It was done
Time to have fun
And found a game to play.
Then as part of the game
She completely forgot
Where she'd hidden herself
And she spent the rest of her time
Trying to find the parts.
Hope you find it in everything
Everything that you see
There was a time when there was nothing at all
Nothing at all
Just a distant hum.
Feeling suicidal and very depressed I woke up at 5am with this song in my head!
Jon and Vangelis - I'll Find My Way Home
You ask me where to begin
Am I so lost in my sin
You ask me where did I fall
I'll say I can't tell you when
But if my spirit is lost
How will I find what is near
Don't question I'm not alone
Somehow I'll find my way home
My sun shall rise in the east
So shall my heart be at peace
And if you're asking me when
I'll say it starts at the end
You know your will to be free
Is matched with love secretly
And talk will alter your prayer
Somehow you'll find you are there.
Your friend is close by your side
And speaks in far ancient tongue
A seasons wish will come true
All seasons begin with you
One world we all come from
One world we melt into one
Just hold my hand and we're there
Somehow we're going somewhere
Somehow we're going somewhere
You ask me where to begin
Am I so lost in my sin
You ask me where did I fall
I'll say I can't tell you when
But if my spirit is strong
I know it can't be long
No questions I'm not alone
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Somehow I'll find my way home
Songwriters: Papathanassiou, Evangelos / Anderson, Jon
I'll Find My Way Home lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
SPIRITUAL HEALING
I was lucky that from the beginning of this journey I found my local macmillan centre where they offer a variety of complementary treatments ranging from reflexology, massage to spiritual healing. I was immediately drawn to the healing and feel so grateful that I found the lovely Jenny, whose focus and intent on healing me is so very powerful, we have never discussed her own beliefs but I think she must be a christian as on my first ever session I had a vision of Jesus with his hands outstretched towards me, it instantly brought tears to my eyes but again made me feel loved and looked after, I have been going regularly ever since and have experienced overwhelming compassion, I believe healers work in unison with their faith this intensifies their intent on healing. Other visions are strong colours pulsating especially deep indigo blue and vibrant violet, these colours are healing, I envisage the colours surrounding myself and Jenny to act as a cloak to protect both of us and to try and work with her. I also see a lady called Sandy who lives in our village she also is a spiritual healer again I see the colours and feel her intent, I feel grateful and humbled to be under their guidance and to receive their healing.
WISE WORDS
Remember, worry is like a rocking chair, it keeps you moving but gets you nowhere.
DREAMS
I awoke from a very disturbing dream in which I am trying to clean excrement off the walls of a vile dirty toilet, the shit wont come off no matter how hard I scrub, in the toilet there were three people known to me, I interpreted this dream as a possible sign that I should not be bothered or take any notice of the shit these 3 people either have or pass on to me and no matter how much I tried to clean that toilet the shit just kept sticking meaning you can't help them, they need to learn for themselves. Duly noted will not suck up anybody's drama or crap anymore, I am no longer available for people to off load their dramatic shit.
This next dream was so upsetting and urged me to send a message to Bernie Seigel my favourite author he responded almost immediately, and I will post his reply at the end of this description.
In the dream I am with my mother we are in a dental waiting room, my mum produces a bottle of red wine from her hand bag and starts to drink it (this is very out of character as myself and my mother do not drink and are both t-total) she drank the whole bottle and then got very sick, off she went the toilet to be sick and then she didn't come back, whilst sat their waiting for my mum and the never coming dental appointment, I turned around to see all my old friends sat around me people I have not seen in a very long time they all took turns to hold my hand they said nothing. This part of the dream really unnerved me it was like they were saying their final good byes. I literally woke up from this dream in tears and sent it via email to Bernie who promptly replied with this:
"I do not think it is about your death, I think it is about your breast developing cancer and I presume you have had a mastectomy so the maternal part of you (your mother) acted out of character and is now missing, like getting drunk and going to the toilet where things get flushed down the drain, your old friends are the other parts of you which are still present and for you to relate to and get back to a life you can love and a body you still love."
SPIRITUAL POST'S
The Early bird and spiritual enlightenment
Sat at my comupter at 7.30am on a sunday morning (thankyou tamoxifen for the hot flush that woke me up!) listening to a Song Thrush singing its heart out, what a fabulous way to start the day, the sounds are so beautiful I have often listened to this bird song and feel uplifted, inspired and have always found comfort in the knowledge that most are still sleeping, I always used to start painting at this time of day and sometimes through the night, they say we are closer to god at these times the twilight is a special time of day for me.
Couple of days ago after receiving radiotherapy we decided to drive up onto the Moors on our way back down we stopped off at Buckfast Abbey where an order of Benedictine Monks reside it has the usual gift shops and restaurant but this time we also went into the Abbey, the place was so amazing the stained glass windows (all made by the monks) were totally awe inspiring, whilst walking around I was overcome with very strong emotion (this is not the first time in a place of worship) I was sort of happy but moved to tears and was battling hard to contain them, I lit a candle and said a prayer with tears running down my face, this I could not understand I am not particularly religious certainly not Roman Catholic BUT I could feel something there, when I got home I tried to make sense of this but just could not work it out, was it self pity No, was it fear No, what was this?? I approached a fellow breast cancer sufferer who just happens to be a Vicar and asked why? She pointed out that back in the Celtic Pagan religion some of which has been adopted by the christian faith that the pagans had places called 'Thin Places' (google this if you are interested) called thin because they believed that you were closer to god in such places and that the veil between life and the afterlife was thinner in certain places, it was suggested to me that perhaps I might be a sensitive (definite trait of mine being an artist) and therefore going into these places of worship I could of stumbled upon a so called 'Thin Place' I instinctively knew this too be correct and when I thought about it other religious places like Glastonbury and the Tor also the river Dart have moved me to tears again the same sort of feelings accompanied this experience, and so the penny dropped and I managed to understand these complicated and sometimes frustrating emotions.
Whilst at the Abbey a strange coincidence occurred I have always wanted to go to Lourdes in France even before I got breast cancer this was a yearning of mine, on a notice board at the Abbey an advert for a pilgrimage to Lourdes in June this year it costs quite a lot £700 pounds but includes flight and accommodation, needless to say I've taken the email address and phone number, hopefully this will come true and I will go to Lourdes, who knows I could be healed by the special waters there.
Love and light xxx
LINKS
Sign from spirit comes in unexpected ways this is chapter from a post I've written on the Peony Flower. Its not available in any shop except on line due to the law changing on herbs and herbal medicine my local health food shop cant sell it but I have managed to get some online and await its delivery with anticipation. Its Peony Tincture apparently according to my very knowledgeable health food shop owner its very effective for ladies where Sage has failed. Unlike Sage it works on the body's thermostat rather than hormonally which is a huge added plus. I also wanted to add that weirdly enough the day before I found out about Peony Tincture I was out looking for this plant and didn't really know why I came home with a bunch of Red Peony flowers and put them in a vase I've since learned that the Peony they use is Red so something prompted me to go out and buy these flowers and I believe this is a sign from spirit guiding to something that will help me. We need to listen to our instincts and act upon them especially if they keep coming into our focus. I cant wait for my tincture to arrive it cost £15 delivered which isn't too bad but I'm going to look into this further, if it works then I'm going to attempt to make my own, will keep you all posted on this one.
I came across this site some time ago its called 'Channelling Erik' it's about a mother who via a medium has conversations with her dead son called Erik who committed suicide at a very young age. The medium proclaims to be in touch with Erik who in tern calls upon a host of deceased celebrity's and asks questions about their lives, why they died, how they died and also the question has been posed on why cancer and what the cure is. Here's an interesting transcript in relation to Hemp Oil http://www.channelingerik.com/hemp-oil/ personally I believe there is something in Hemp Oil and that it is possibly a cure. This is the page on Cancer in particular Breast Cancer interesting. http://www.channelingerik.com/cancer/
Wounded Healer, dark night of the soul.....
The title of this post is a interesting spiritual concept. Wounded healer sounds like a name for an Indian in actual fact its the creation of the eminent psychologist Carl Jung the idea states that an analyst is compelled to treat patients because the analyst himself is 'wounded'. I understand this to mean in order to help those affected by an illness or a disease the healer needs to experience the affliction. I came across this ideology after having a numerology report. Its not something I have done every year but the link kept crossing my path and I decided this one time to act upon it. I am and always have been a seriously spiritual person and have developed my own understanding of the after life and what happens its my own personal belief system. I feel we all need to develop an understanding by ourselves of what it means to be human and where we go after we die. The numerology report was an eye opener and so accurate it described me my life and personality including all my bad traits (which I recognised) but more importantly it made me aware of this 'Wounded Healer' concept indeed possibility. Here's the part of the report that talks about Wounded Healer.
"Your attitude towards life in general is very selfless and you usually have a good connection with God or a higher power. However often the number 9 faces a unique challenge at some point in his or her life that seems to be a test of faith. Usually this incident takes the form of a devastating personal loss, disease or some sort of tragedy. This triggers a period of time that lasts a few years that is often called the "dark night of the soul." It is usually during this period of your life that you find the extreme courage and strength to become what is called a wounded healer."
Leading up to the point of getting this numerology report I had been questioning myself as I do periodically why I got breast cancer? I walked through the woods and up on the coastline pondering this question and as usual I didn't get any answers until I got back and sat at my computer, I am so so glad I decided that I'd get this report done (it was free). For me I finally understand spiritually why I got cancer and why I write this blog. Its important to look into everything even the seemingly bizarre especially when it comes to something as random as cancer. Somebody had to talk about the spiritual side of cancer as well as looking into alternative treatments and unconventional approaches to drugs and treatment and that someone is me. I thought the idea of this blog was to write all of this down so that I could make sense of the mountains of conflicting information out there on this subject. I realise now that this may of been the reason for starting the blog but in actual fact its not the only reason I am writing down this stuff its for other reasons and 'wounded healer' is one of them. To say I am blown away by all of this is an understatement, to me its enlightenment.
As for the dark night of the soul then you need to look no further than this wonderful explanation by the visionary teacher Eckhart Tolle.
Eckhart on the Dark Night of the Soul
Q: Have you ever experienced the dark night of the soul? Your teachings have been so helpful through this difficult period. Can you address this subject?
A: The “dark night of the soul” is a term that goes back a long time. Yes, I have also experienced it. It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything. Sometimes it’s triggered by some external event, some disaster perhaps, on an external level. The death of someone close to you could trigger it, especially premature death, for example if your child dies. Or you had built up your life, and given it meaning – and the meaning that you had given your life, your activities, your achievements, where you are going, what is considered important, and the meaning that you had given your life for some reason collapses.
It can happen if something happens that you can’t explain away anymore, some disaster which seems to invalidate the meaning that your life had before. Really what has collapsed then is the whole conceptual framework for your life, the meaning that your mind had given it. So that results in a dark place. But people have gone into that, and then there is the possibility that you emerge out of that into a transformed state of consciousness. Life has meaning again, but it’s no longer a conceptual meaning that you can necessarily explain. Quite often it’s from there that people awaken out of their conceptual sense of reality, which has collapsed.
They awaken into something deeper, which is no longer based on concepts in your mind. A deeper sense of purpose or connectedness with a greater life that is not dependent on explanations or anything conceptual any longer. It’s a kind of re-birth. The dark night of the soul is a kind of death that you die. What dies is the egoic sense of self. Of course, death is always painful, but nothing real has actually died there – only an illusory identity. Now it is probably the case that some people who’ve gone through this transformation realized that they had to go through that, in order to bring about a spiritual awakening. Often it is part of the awakening process, the death of the old self and the birth of the true self.
The first lesson in A Course in Miracles says “Nothing I see in this room means anything”, and you’re supposed to look around the room at whatever you happen to be looking at, and you say “this doesn’t mean anything”, “that doesn’t mean anything”. What is the purpose of a lesson like that? It’s a little bit like re-creating what can happen during the dark night of the soul. It’s the collapse of a mind-made meaning, conceptual meaning, of life… believing that you understand “what it’s all about”. With A Course in Miracles, it’s a voluntary relinquishment of the human mind-made meaning that is projected, and you go voluntary into saying “I don’t know what this means”, “this doesn’t mean anything”. You wipe the board clean. In the dark night of the soul it collapses.
You are meant to arrive at a place of conceptual meaninglessness. Or one could say a state of ignorance – where things lose the meaning that you had given them, which was all conditioned and cultural and so on. Then you can look upon the world without imposing a mind-made framework of meaning. It looks of course as if you no longer understand anything. That’s why it’s so scary when it happens to you, instead of you actually consciously embracing it. It can bring about the dark night of the soul – to go around the Universe without any longer interpreting it compulsively, as an innocent presence. You look upon events, people, and so on with a deep sense of aliveness. Your sense the aliveness through your own sense of aliveness, but you are not trying to fit your experience into a conceptual framework anymore.
The Sign from the BEES
Busy Bees..... without them we wouldn't be here and to some extent (ill never know how much) I wouldn't be here. Just in case I haven't shared this story with you before here's the one about the Bee.
Every week for the past 5 years I've been attending spiritual healing with a lady called Sandy who has become a firm friend. On one of the healing sessions she told me that strangely enough whilst she was healing me she distinctly saw a bee buzzing all around my mastectomy site it was such a strong image she felt compelled to tell me about it. I didn't think anything of it and carried on with my life. About a week after that session I received a package in the post it was posted by the postman it had no postage stamp on it just my name and address typed on a label no return address on the back. Inside the package was a box of a bee product called 'Unbeeleivable' it was a pack of 30 tablets containing something called bee propolis which is a resin substance a by product of the bee's collecting pollen from flowers. It has antibiotic and animicrobial properties including essential minerals and vitamins. Also they have blended Reishi mushrooms, Olive leaf, Elderberry, and Astaxanthin read all about it on there website http://www.unbeelievablehealth.co.uk/
I couldn't understand where this came from but phoned Sandy to ask if she had posted it to me she replied that she hadn't sent me anything other than her absent healing (which in itself is a wonderful gift) the package is a mystery, needless to say but I believe in the unbeelievable, this was a gift to help me heal and to help me fight. I stopped taking it a while back and am now back on track with it. If there is one supplement everyone should take it is this one even if its to help boost your immune system.
It can happen if something happens that you can’t explain away anymore, some disaster which seems to invalidate the meaning that your life had before. Really what has collapsed then is the whole conceptual framework for your life, the meaning that your mind had given it. So that results in a dark place. But people have gone into that, and then there is the possibility that you emerge out of that into a transformed state of consciousness. Life has meaning again, but it’s no longer a conceptual meaning that you can necessarily explain. Quite often it’s from there that people awaken out of their conceptual sense of reality, which has collapsed.
They awaken into something deeper, which is no longer based on concepts in your mind. A deeper sense of purpose or connectedness with a greater life that is not dependent on explanations or anything conceptual any longer. It’s a kind of re-birth. The dark night of the soul is a kind of death that you die. What dies is the egoic sense of self. Of course, death is always painful, but nothing real has actually died there – only an illusory identity. Now it is probably the case that some people who’ve gone through this transformation realized that they had to go through that, in order to bring about a spiritual awakening. Often it is part of the awakening process, the death of the old self and the birth of the true self.
The first lesson in A Course in Miracles says “Nothing I see in this room means anything”, and you’re supposed to look around the room at whatever you happen to be looking at, and you say “this doesn’t mean anything”, “that doesn’t mean anything”. What is the purpose of a lesson like that? It’s a little bit like re-creating what can happen during the dark night of the soul. It’s the collapse of a mind-made meaning, conceptual meaning, of life… believing that you understand “what it’s all about”. With A Course in Miracles, it’s a voluntary relinquishment of the human mind-made meaning that is projected, and you go voluntary into saying “I don’t know what this means”, “this doesn’t mean anything”. You wipe the board clean. In the dark night of the soul it collapses.
You are meant to arrive at a place of conceptual meaninglessness. Or one could say a state of ignorance – where things lose the meaning that you had given them, which was all conditioned and cultural and so on. Then you can look upon the world without imposing a mind-made framework of meaning. It looks of course as if you no longer understand anything. That’s why it’s so scary when it happens to you, instead of you actually consciously embracing it. It can bring about the dark night of the soul – to go around the Universe without any longer interpreting it compulsively, as an innocent presence. You look upon events, people, and so on with a deep sense of aliveness. Your sense the aliveness through your own sense of aliveness, but you are not trying to fit your experience into a conceptual framework anymore.
The Sign from the BEES
Busy Bees..... without them we wouldn't be here and to some extent (ill never know how much) I wouldn't be here. Just in case I haven't shared this story with you before here's the one about the Bee.
Every week for the past 5 years I've been attending spiritual healing with a lady called Sandy who has become a firm friend. On one of the healing sessions she told me that strangely enough whilst she was healing me she distinctly saw a bee buzzing all around my mastectomy site it was such a strong image she felt compelled to tell me about it. I didn't think anything of it and carried on with my life. About a week after that session I received a package in the post it was posted by the postman it had no postage stamp on it just my name and address typed on a label no return address on the back. Inside the package was a box of a bee product called 'Unbeeleivable' it was a pack of 30 tablets containing something called bee propolis which is a resin substance a by product of the bee's collecting pollen from flowers. It has antibiotic and animicrobial properties including essential minerals and vitamins. Also they have blended Reishi mushrooms, Olive leaf, Elderberry, and Astaxanthin read all about it on there website http://www.unbeelievablehealth.co.uk/
I couldn't understand where this came from but phoned Sandy to ask if she had posted it to me she replied that she hadn't sent me anything other than her absent healing (which in itself is a wonderful gift) the package is a mystery, needless to say but I believe in the unbeelievable, this was a gift to help me heal and to help me fight. I stopped taking it a while back and am now back on track with it. If there is one supplement everyone should take it is this one even if its to help boost your immune system.
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